26

Feb

Expect to see me out in public more often in my pajamas

It’s really convenient when you use your neighbor’s wireless signal. I was even bold enough to knock on my neighbor’s door and ask for his password (I blame desperation). But now that I stopped using it for a few weeks, I can’t get back on. So, instead of shelling out to get my own signal, I’ve decided I’ll just use the signal at the coffee shop when I need it. Thus, more in-public pajama time!

Whenever I’m not working or socializing, I pretty much live in either my yoga clothes or my pjs. Or a combination of both.

I feel fashionally challenged in San Diego. I cannot keep up with you people. Last night I went to a party and everyone looked so freaking put together. I am clueless on some how my friends, who don’t have regular incomes, always look so stunning.

I think about buying new stuff… and then I go to yoga class instead or I get a snack. I would like to hire someone to just buy me clothes and shit. Can I do that? Cause getting me to an actual store is… well… difficult.

Can’t we just all go hiking or something?

The first time I moved to San Diego, 8 years ago, my friend Eric peaked into my closet and came out telling me he’d never seen a girl’s closet with so few clothes. I tried to explain I’d been working for the Forest Service and only really needed a couple outfits for that job, but he still shook his head in amazement.

The problem comes when it’s time to go out with friends (or go to work everday as I’m now experiencing). There have been times when I don’t actually want to go out because I have nothing to wear (literally!).

On Friday night, I bought a yoga shirt on sale for $27.00 and I was so hesitant to buy it. Then I wore it on Saturday to class and LOVED it. It felt soooooooo good. But do you know when the last time I bought a new yoga shirt was before that?

Here’s some numbers to break it down:

  • 4.5 years: the last time I bought new yoga gear (no joke).
  • 28: the number of yoga classes I’ve gone to this year alone.

OH MY GOD!!!!

This is the shit I need to remind myself of when I want to quit the j.ob. and try to be (nearly) homeless again. It’s not a good idea. In fact, it’s crazy.

It IS a possibility that I can go back to my previous sleeping-in schedule in the future. But first I really, really, really, really, really need to upgrade EVERYTHING. Which means I need to work for awhile for an employer and BE FUCKING NORMAL. I just got my health/dental/vision insurance cards in the mail and it’s kind of cool to have those things.

There is a giant part of me that doesn’t give a shit about fitting in — and in fact wants to be “different.” But then I’m at my happiest when I do fit in. Like last night — I am welcome to this huge 200-person party in open arms by friends  — amazing friends — and in those times it feels like I’ve made it.

Excuse me as I realize something here.

 

This blurry school photo is from the event. I'm in a surf club called the San Diego Surf Ladies (even though I don't own a surf board). I'm the blonde dot in the back row below the orange and purples lights. And I'm looking at this photo and realizing not everyone here is a fastionista. Just me being werid.

 

You know, sometimes when you spell out the truth to yourself and see it in your face, it’s motivating.

Like, if I knew a girl who never bought herself anything even though she needed it, I would yell at her to GO SHOPPING and suck it!

I have been reading this book by a famous designer and it makes me realize I should present myself a little better to the world (awesome, as I blog about how I’m going to wear more pajamas). I think if you pair those pj’s with some sexy red high heels you’re golden. Right?

Does anyone know where a shoe store is?

By the way, as I wrote this blog on an older laptop (which also needs to be upgraded), the letter “p” stopped working. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?

I swear this shit is alive.

 

84 days ago Short URL 2 Comments

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27

Sep

Getting Messy

The best reasons to live are the little things….

For me it’s a cup of tea in the morning, a warm and cozy bed, getting to write during the day, a feeling of happiness that a friend wants to meet for coffee, seeing a friend smile, hearing her stories, emphasizing with her pain and her joys, and realizing that life is messy.

And getting messy with life. Really messy. And then cleaning up the mess from time to time.

Because life is not meant to be stale, colorless, and sanitized. You can’t live that way!

It is meant to be beautiful, sad, fun, interesting, crazy…. and you are meant to GROW. If you stop growing, stop learning, stop being who you are, you will feel like you are dying while you live.

The universe itself is expanding and you are a part of it. Rather than resisting, open wide and expand with it…

Let’s do it together: wheeeeeeeeee!

236 days ago Short URL

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26

Sep

I am ready to trust


If your thought is in harmony with the creative principle of Nature, it is in tune with the Infinite Mind, and it will form the circuit; it will not return to you void.

The great fact is that the source of all life and all power is from within.
~Charles Haanel

photos by Kitty Gallannaugh and by Doey_

237 days ago Short URL

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04

Jul

Oneness

Amid all the mysteries by which we are surrendered, nothing is more certain than that we are ever in the presence of an Infinite and Eternal Energy from which all things proceed.
~Herbert Spencer

 

photo by ♀Μøỳαл_Bгεлл♂

321 days ago Short URL

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30

Jun

A couple months ago a friend
wrote this on a napkin for me:

Remember
You Are
Capable
Confident
Compassionate

And beautiful.

What a nice thing to hear. Even a few months later.

I’ve decided I have to find a full-time or seriously part-time job soon. This is such a weird position for me because I’ve been chasing this dream for a few years to work from home as a writer… and I think it’s over. For now.

I’m not really one to always look at the facts, but they are that I am lacking funds and motivation. I WANT to write for a living, but I need more substantial clients. I love my current clients, but they just aren’t in the market to hire me full-time.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been doing it all wrong. But the good news is I am finally coming to grips with this reality.

Like, I think I’m at peace with letting go of trying to do this dream my way. Maybe the universe has a better plan.Three years ago I set out for the sticks of Idaho with money my pocket and a dream.

Isn’t it funny how you rarely hear about those dreams that go astray? They’ll be a mention, in a book or something of someone’s failures, but most of the story is what happens next. And in most lives, it’s not becoming rich and famous. It’s becoming extraordinary is your own way.

I guess maybe that is life. We all have failures. We can hold on to them and create misery. Or we can leave them alone. I don’t think there is a single person on the planet who hasn’t failed. It’s like the bigger the failure, the greater the life and greater the risk.

So, maybe failing big is a blessing of a life well-lived.

I think it can only be considered a sad story, if the person ceases to have a dream at all. I think we just can’t always carve the paths to our dreams. Maybe we don’t realize that our dream is what we are living right now. We just don’t have the eyes to see it.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw

photo by Do u remember

 

325 days ago Short URL

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08

Jun

Flowers in my hair (minus the bee)

The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. ~Marcus Aurelius.

photo by Capture Queen ™

347 days ago Short URL

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07

Jun

Making a decision vs. giving up

Believing we can control anything outside of ourselves is an illusion.

My next question is what do you do after you surrender? Do you just try to “go with the flow” even when you’re unhappy? I feel like I’ve been in this passive mindset, and surrender should be active somehow.

This article, How to Surrender Without Giving Up says it nicely:

1.    Surrender keeps you connected. It may involve painful decisions but you can still feel a sense of peace, and a connection with your truth. Giving up feels shallow, reactive, or incomplete inside.

2.    Surrender is a decision. When you surrender, you remain engaged. You step in and chose your role in a situation.  Giving up is not so much a decision as a way out.

3.    Surrender is drama-free. Giving up nearly always involves dramatic exasperation and blame on outside people or circumstances. Surrender needs no fanfare. It makes itself known only through its undeniable clarity.

Surrender doesn’t mean you’re weak or you didn’t try. It means you’ve tried all you can and you’re consciously choosing to let go.

Believing we can control anything outside of ourselves is an illusion.

But we do have the ability to choose our thoughts and responses to everything. When things don’t go our way, we can still move forward without collapsing or giving up. Surrender is a deeper path. ~Christine Kane

Surrender means surrendering the ego. Surrender means surrendering all that you know. Surrender means surrendering your knowledge, your mind, Your intellect. Surrender is a suicide, a suicide of the past.
~Osho

photos by her wings and Capture Queen ™

348 days ago Short URL

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06

Jun

Whoosh (the sound a river makes)

Surrender means to live the same way in life as a good swimmer swims in the river. Life is a river. Either you can fight or you can float; either you can push the river and try to go against it. Or you can float with the river. And go wherever the river leads you.
~Osho

I am in a state of surrender to my circumstances. They aren’t what I want, but they are where I am right now. I’m done trying to control things and people and life. Surrender makes the most sense. There is so much I can’t control outside of myself. I can’t control what will happen in the world tomorrow. I can’t control ultimately what will happen to me someday when I die. I am just at this complete mercy.

I have always had this strong longing for truth. I want to know the truth about what happens when we die. I want to know the truth about what is really happening in the world.

And you know what, I CAN’T really know. I can study and read and ask questions and form an opinion, but that’s all it is. 

I can choose to believe in the goodness of life.

That seems like a better idea than believing in something terrible.

I can choose to put better thoughts into my mind — even though let me tell you — this is like pulling teeth right now. I can choose to believe that I am going toward what’s next. I have a home that is here for me to find it. Right now, I am seeking to simply understand surrender — because I’ve never understood it before.

The creative process is a process of surrender, not control.
~Julia Cameron

photos by bdearth and lorraine santana

349 days ago Short URL

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