Everything has been really good lately. In fact I even have been accused of being… happy. I don’t know what happened, but I sunk to a low point a few years ago and even last year was hard and now I just feel really hopeful and good. It’s nice to soak this in.
But there is also something to be said about depression being a motivator. I feel like depression has been a monster and a gift. If I’d never felt it I wouldn’t be the writer I am today. I wouldn’t paint or make art or run or dance or do yoga. Depression has sort of been my path to happiness.
Plus a green smoothie and going to see a movie tonight with friends.
We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
~Joseph Campbell
I know there are possibilities waiting for me.
Even though I can’t say right now where or when or how.
Even though I am tired.
Even though I seemed to have lost my voice and don’t know when it will return. I won’t settle for this as the end. I am willing to fight.
It is difficult for me to believe that the place I am in right now is good for me. Like, I’m so sad and so disappointed. I know this blog is reasons to live and I intend for it to be inspirational, but I do need to relate what is going on with me to move forward.
I guess the one thing I really have going for me is I have a lot of courage. I tend to get caught up in the feelings of failure and worthlessness. I realize everything happening is for the best.
I’m in Utah. Let me explain Utah if you don’t know about it. Utah is this dichotomy of conservative religious people and liberal people—and at least for me growing up—there was not a lot of in-between people. I bailed out of here when I was 18, fortunate to go to a good college… and then I came back… and then I left again… and then I came back…. My family is here, so I can’t help but have this place as a home base.
I idealize the time I spent living by the beach for a few years, even though I often was not happy there either. What I liked about that place was that I grew up into myself. But if you could have talked to me then I was over it. I wanted nothing more than to live in a quiet place, away from all the crowds and craziness. I wanted a place that felt more like home (funny I am home now — maybe the universe was listening?)
So, I moved to Idaho (naturally) and I have to remind myself that I went there with the hopes to a) settle down and get married, b) have the space to breathe again (two opposing things).
Well, I DID spend a lot of time alone sitting and breathing, but I barely covered the surface with socializing—and I jumped into a relationship that was doomed from the start (but with good intentions). Plus, I bailed on this blog because I thought that with personal growth that you get to this point of okay, I’m healed now. All done and good for life.
I mistakenly thought that in the happiest of places, my work was complete.
And it was complete, but life doesn’t go in a straight, predictable line. Life is a wave, and we are all in the ocean together, and good times are just as valuable as bad. I have wanted OUT so many times, but I can’t GET OUT because whether I’m alive or dead, I’m still a part of everything.
I can reject life, but the only thing I’m really rejecting is ME.
Low points and high points. I want to say yes again. To everything.
I don’t really know how to give to others. People tire me sometimes. I want so much to belong, but then I end up cocooning into myself. Sometimes it feels like two people live in me — one a hermit and one a person who wants company.
It would be a good practice for me to start saying “yes” more often. I am amazed by the amount of love and support I have from people in my life. But it’s funny because I end up focusing more on those people who have left me or who have not supported me.
I don’t know why I do that to myself!!!!!!!
Example: I pine over the guy(s) who didn’t want me. And the truth is that they did want me, but it just wasn’t the right situation, time, etc., and I get this strong feeling that I wouldn’t have wanted them and it just wouldn’t have worked out. It’s like I wanted them so I could reject them…
I think that is sick and twisted. Like, I think I am operating under the assumption that anyone I could want wouldn’t want me. So, I expect rejection. If I don’t get it, I seek it out by shutting down, turning off my light, etc. I also am a sucker for a pretty face.
Like, I am reasonably intelligent. So, why would I be interested in someone based on such shallow criteria?
I think it’s okay to want someone who is attractive to date, but I have to be willing to go deeper and get to know the person inside. I think it’s kind of like I’ve rejected who I am inside, so I then reject others…
One of the triggers of my depression is this. It then morphs into feeling this complete disconnect from everyone and everything. I’ve always felt like it would be better if I were someone else.
I cannot tell you how painful it is to wish I could change the core of who I am.
I don’t know how to explain this, other than to say that I REALLY related to the “It Gets Better” speech even though I’m not gay (or a teenager for that matter!).
What is at the heart of this message is that the core of who you are is okay.
I wish the message was broader — not just toward gays and lesbians — but EVERYONE. Honestly, spending 12 minutes watching this video is worthwhile. I too have felt “ashamed that there is something very wrong with me.” And even though this “wrong” thing doesn’t have a name, it feels very real.
When I was a kid, I remember being fairly eccentric. My clothes often didn’t match. I didn’t care what I looked like. I enjoyed memorizing and reciting television commercials. I didn’t go through abuse, but what I did go through was very painful to me. I didn’t fit in. Plain and simple, but also heart wrenching. The times when I feel I fit in and have “my people” with me are THE BEST. I guess that is what is so hard about right now.
The mistake in this situation is to sit here and cry. It’s like feeding a hungry dog. Really, has feeling sorry for myself ever amounted to anything good??I know these emotions are addictive. I know there is literally a chemical in my brain that is aching to express sadness into this ocean.
One of the reasons I started writing this blog is I came to the realization that we ARE all connected and that when I feed my depression, I feed your depression. I feed the collective ocean with a poison.
I AM NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I have the power to feel something else. In the past I have stood up to these feelings, rather than believing they are the truth about me, and
I have created possibilities.
Lift your head up high
And scream out to the world
I know I am someone
And let the truth unfurl
No one can hurt you now
Because you know what’s true
Yes, I believe in me
So you believe in you
~Michael Jackson
We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
~Earl Nightingale
I was hearing some advice that said it’s important to give your pain a name. I guess there is something about naming the problem that starts to make it heal. A name might be:
I am hurt
I am defective
I am unwanted
I am worthless
I am invisible
The idea is to go toward your pain from a place of curiousity. See how big it is, give it a name, think about the age you first felt it. Watch it from a place of compassion and as if you’re a detective.
Think about your age now and what you know now that you didn’t know when you were younger. Send the pain warmth and basically give yourself an inner hug from this older, wiser self. Try to come from a place of the truth about who you are deep down — a person who has worth and value beyond any form of depression. That truth is that simply by being born you have a place on this planet right now. You are radiate and brilliant and have a uniqueness that is all your own. The truth is not any of those painful statements above, but something more like:
I am whole
I am growing
I am wanted
I am valued
I am magnetic
This was a hard thing for me to grasp in the midst of my depression — that I really was okay inside — even when I was hurting. And even that my depression was okay. It was an opportunity for me to treat myself better than I had before and focus on changing myself from within. In daily life without depression I would never be hit with the train wreck of all that sadness. So, in the midst of the wreckage I had to find a compassion for myself that I’d never had before. I had to do sweet things for me.
I think the way you treat yourself when you’re depressed is one of the first steps toward getting better.
There is no denial of how you feel, instead you immerse yourself in the darkness and from that place of surrender a hint of light can appear and make you stronger.
