I feel like I should explain my depression a bit. I had to write an article a few years ago for a health magazine about depression I did some research and discovered I had this low grade, chronic “this is just the way it is” depression inside of me that had become a way of life. I didn’t question it. I was able to function — I don’t think I’ve had a day where I didn’t get out of bed, but it often felt like I was trudging through a swamp.
This is how it feels:
It started some time in high school (back when it was “cool” to be depressed and misunderstood), but I never grew out of it. I found myself in my late 20s with the same level of functioning as I’d had as a teenager– and it was awful. Trying to thrive in this world when you’re on your own is hard enough — trying to do it while you’re sinking is even harder.
I didn’t try to make it go away — I couldn’t — it was a part of me.
Before it even had a chance of getting better, I had to accept it and really live with it. And by live with it, I mean stop trying to fight the inevitable. I had to take the cloud over my head and try it on for size. One of the books I read at the time is called Unholy Ghost and it was a good book to read when I felt at my worst. It is not a warm and fuzzy book; but rather a candid look at writers dealing with depression.
Honestly, I NEVER thought I’d get better. I didn’t think it was possible.
It wasn’t until I watched What The Bleep Do We Know that I started to wonder. I started to create my day and through writing, I believe I built a new neural net in my brain (I’ll explain this more sometime). But my brain started working differently. I swear the brain is a sponge and I choose to give it hope.
I only got to this point of willingness after realizing I just couldn’t kill myself. I became curious about reincarnation and thinking about the idea that I definitely don’t want to set myself back a few lives. No thank you.
I say all of this is past tense because this is not who I am anymore. My first round of this blog in ’08 really changed me. There is a saying that external changes don’t impact happiness — and it is true. I did not find anything on the outside that did it (although having friends and knowledge built a foundation). It’s the changes on the inside I made — finding reasons to live – that counted the most.
I literally started seeing life through a different lens.
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as in being able to remake ourselves.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi
