Snoop’s fish tank just got awesome

So I got this Betta fish named Snoop and just made him a lovely home. He has a two gallon fish bowl, a moat, castle, bamboo, some evil looking vine plant thingys and a whole world of wonderfulness in here.

He even went inside his castle today! Then I accidently called him “my cat” in a flurry of excitement… If I haven’t mentioned lately, I have a retarded feral cat who is living at grandma and grandpa’s fat farm (i.e., my parent’s house in Utah). I miss her.

I can’t have her where I live now because my roommate’s dogs kill cats. They have killed a kitten. And I cut my roommate off when she tried to tell me that story.

Damn, even just listening to this video is relaxing

After explaining to my wonderful man-friend, Dan, that dating makes me horribly sad (and I’m not even doing it). Just thinking about dating. Dan suggested I do some EFT with Brad Yates.

And now I am totally in love with Brad. Haha…He is just so loving and accepting. He also has such shiny maps of North America.

Yes, I know, EFT looks weird, but it can work. I’ve used it for public speaking, driving anxiety, and other super fun parts of life, like before talking to my robot boss at work. I think I need to use it for dating so I can move on and find a boyfriend (yay!).

You’re basically tapping on energy lines of the body and releasing emotion.

You can also use the phrase, “Even though I _________(fill in the blank), I love and accept myself completely.”

Hearing someone say, “it’s gonna be okay,” is pretty much the best thing ever.

Walking at lunch

I cannot believe such a gorgeous Boise-like place exists here in San Diego. You can hear the crickets chirping during the day and the tall grass blowing in the breeze. It’s like it was created just to keep me sane.

Googly eyes

The emotions I felt this week:

Sad
Ecstatic
Hopeless
Hopeful
Worried
Secure
and about a hundred other polar opposite emotions.

Oh shit. I think my corporate j.o.b. is starting to make me loopy. I really need a boyfriend and a hug.

Wine will do for now. And yoga.

I have a crush on one guy at work. Who is totally gay. I almost feel gay just crushing on him. He reminds me of my boyfriend from college who I also suspect is gay. What is it with all these gay people?

Boyfriend from college (actually, he was never my boyfriend, but I was enamored by him) grew up and married the most homely, blah girl from northern Idaho. They have two rather blah children and you can see it in his eyes in his wedding photos (thanks, facebook — maybe I like you after all), that he has a secret.

Guy at work is freaking adorable and though gay, I SWEAR he likes me. It’s probably because every time I see him I’m like, “Hiiiiiii Ryan!” and I give him googly eyes. And I get WAY too excited to sit next to him in 8 am Monday morning executive board room meetings.

This is googly eyes incase you don’t know:

photos via memepics and runtoftheweb and geyserofawesome

Lindsay, you have notifications pending

When you don’t go on Facebook for awhile, you start getting emails with this awesome subject line, which sounds more like a warning:

__________(name), you have notifications pending.

It sounds like I’m in big fucking trouble. But there are NO notifications; it’s just a way to get you back on the site.

The reason I stopped going on Facebook so much is because last year I noticed that whenever I went on Facebook, I felt bad afterward. So, I made it a goal to only go on 2 or 3 times a week. It was REALLY hard at first (and I cheated a couple times), but soon after I made this goal, other things started replacing my Facebook time. This included, incredibly, getting PHONE calls from real friends I hadn’t heard from in awhile.

Now, Facebook has faded almost completely from being important to me. Other have also shared with me their dissatisfaction with the site. The main reason it bothers me is explained in this article:

Facebook “offers a gateway for hundreds of shallow relationships and emotionally detached communication.”

Ditto to texting to get to know someone. I haven’t been on any more online dates, but the first guy I went out with was shocked (and a bit bothered) I didn’t want to text to get to know him.

Are you kidding me???????

Texting is like the lowest form of communication. Words can be construed and taken so many different ways.

What most people actually mean when they write something is buried under the surface. You can’t detect those subtleties: the tone of voice, the energy, and a million other things. I don’t know the number, but I think something like 98% of communication is nonverbal.

I think seeing The Social Network movie also drilled it in that FB was made by an anti-social person because it worked for HIM. That means it might not work for YOU and me.

I mean, hot sweaty Bikram yoga was created for ONE GUY and it’s not for everyone either.

I have no clue what this picture is, but it makes me think of Bikram yoga and weird creatures kicking each other in the nuts. Which is kind of how you feel when you do that yoga. Actually, I wouldn't know cause I don't have nuts. But I can imagine (sorta)


photo via crazy-picsblog and elfwood.com

Fly

Last night I had another lucid dream.

In the dream I was waking up for work and getting ready. My apartment looked totally different, but it was quiet and comfortable. At one point I walked outside and there was a grassy area filled with morning sunlight. I looked back at where I lived—truly believing without a shadow of a doubt—that this was reality.

Then I started floating up into the air.

As I was floating, I started questioning—ohh, this must be a dream. Right? I can’t fly in real life. Can I?

There was a part of me that didn’t quite believe I was dreaming…

photo by Kitty Gallannaugh

P.S. I like the beauty of this photographer. She transports me to another time and place. That is what art should do. Like Alice in Wonderland. One time my friend’s husband gave a wonderful compliment and told me I reminded him of Alice.

I ate a pop tart today even though it has high-fructose corn syrup (#rebelsnacking)

Love yourself.)
Eat pop tarts if you feel like it.
Stop taking it personally if girls are bitches sometimes.
Congratulate yourself for another day of life.

Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.
~Fred Rogers

I HATED Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I would yell at the TV "No!" when he would talk about being good. I called him "neighbor."

cat photo via greyhoundzoom.com/cats/

Down

Maybe there is something in the air right now, but I’ve been a little down. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I didn’t have any plans. I wanted to call a friend and go out to a bar (because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do on St. Patty’s day), but what I really wanted to do was go to yoga.

So I ended up in a 6:30 pm yoga class with all the other people who didn’t want to go out and get drunk.

It was good. Even at the grocery store afterward it was almost empty. Sometimes the holidays and those unplanned weekends are the hardest of all. It’s nice to know on Monday I have somewhere to go and someone who needs me.

I’ve been so down that I actually went to church this morning. I haven’t been to church in a while, but it feels good to go and just listen and meditate.

photo by Kitty Gallannaugh

Higher

“Look, spaghetti arms. This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.”
-Johnny, Dirty Dancing

Ugh. This is why I hate dating. No wait, I like it. I really do.

Let it be known… I don’t feel quite as confident today about this whole idea of dating. It makes me really sad, even just thinking about dating. I don’t like rejecting people and I feel horribly guilty when I can’t conjure up attraction and have to let someone down.

I wonder too if I should give that guy another chance and go out with him again.

We ended our date with him asking if I’d want to go out again and my wonderfully classic, honest answer came out:

“I don’t know.”

But the thing is I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know what I want for lunch. I don’t know where in San Diego I want to live. I don’t know how to do basic math.

Maybe I should see if he wants to go out again? But I feel like an f-ing retard. It seems like guys can move on and date lots of women without getting all emotional and crap. I shouldn’t have to feel bad just because I’m not interested (or ready?).

It would be nice if I could carve a new groove in my brain where I would think dating and my brain would go:

Yeah!
Fun!!
Super awesome!!!

Because right now it says:

Blah.
Whine.
Do I have to?

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Look I got a betta fish. I think I’m gonna call him Snoop Dog.

P.S. Went to dance class. Total euphoria. I love dancing. In my heaven there will be lots of dancing. Also talked to coworker friend about dating and how bad I felt. Got some good advice.

Also made me remember: No one knows you are in pain unless you tell them.

Like the Budweiser slogan, I’m all about “here we go” (minus the drunkenness)

In the height of my depression I sat at home a lot. I felt like I was in jail. I didn’t really know why I was depressed. There really wasn’t a reason for it. I have a good, supportive family, a pretty easy life, and have gotten lucky in a lot of ways, but this part of me just felt so bad. And empty.

The biggest thing I’ve learned from the emptiness is that it is telling me something. It’s not there randomly. Just as I would attend to physical pain if I had an injury (and quickly), feeling bad day after day means there is a problem. It’s NOT normal to feel like shit and have that be your everyday life.

Feeling bad goes away when things change. Actually—that’s completely wrong— it doesn’t go away when things change, it goes away when YOU change. And like a long, hard, bad injury, it takes a really long time sometimes, but it’s definitely possible for anyone, in any circumstances to be happy.

I know this because my mom is happy. And she is totally blind.

She lost her eyesight over a 30-year time period. When I tell most people this, they tell me how sorry they are and probably feel a little bit better about their lives. They probably imagine the horror of losing arguably the most important sense.

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Me and my mom in our matching handmade hats.

And then I tell them how amazing my mom is. She has a million friends. She ice skates. She skis. She went to Paris last year. She is living ten times the lives of most people. She has a guide dog who takes her for walks into the beautiful trails above our home. She has worked hard over the years. She has chosen to take what life has given her and made it fucking amazing.

You get “injured” again and again and have to start over. And then you get some peace. And then you get hurt and then you keep going. That is life.

The emptiness comes when you give up on life and stop living (yet, you’re alive and you know it).

Last night when I got home from my date, I cried.

He was kinda cute and nice, but it opened a can of worms for me. He was 41; I’m like 34 going on 25. I haven’t met the love of my life. This guy spent 20 years with one woman and got divorced last year.

I could see the years of experience in the lines on his face and just couldn’t relate. Especially to the question, “Have you been married before?” I wanted to say, “Of course not. Why would I have done that?”

And for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with not being married. But, you know, talking to someone who is on a different wavelength made me wonder. I could definitely date a 41 year old, but we need to be on the same page pretty quick. I wish I could have met this guy 10 years ago, but you know, today he just wasn’t the right fit.

I’m proud of myself for going on a date, though, and I know it’s going to be okay.

I went home and took out a notebook and numbered the lines from 1-22. This is what I do when I want something. I wrote his name on the top of the list and then crossed it out. This is my way of saying to the universe: here. we. go.

Internet dating and the fiery furnace

I am going on a date tonight with someone I met on the Internet. I am so fucking nervous it’s not even funny. Like, I don’t even know if I am going to make it. All I am trying to do, really, is put myself out there. Let the universe know I am interested in a relationship. I have spent gobs of time alone. I’ve ready plenty of self-help books. I’ve done the soul searching.

Now it just feels like I need to get OUT and interact with life.

Scary! :)

I am mainly nervous because I don’t like unpredictable situations. Although those situations can also turn out to be really fun.

I am also nervous because I know deep down how picky I am. I feel an enormous amount of guilt (for some reason) at the prospect of going on a date with someone who I know I am 99% sure I am not going to be interested in. I am already worried about having to let him down. And I guess I’m also assuming that he’ll like me and I won’t like him. Which is totally retarded.

The good news is we are going to a bar to play foosball, and I love foosball (and always win — except against my dad…).

It would be easier if he wasn’t from online, though, because then I would know if there was potential chemistry or not. But he is who I have to work with right now. Of course I saw a couple photos of him and he might be cute, but honestly you never really know. One photo was cute, and two were blurry. Awesome.

I feel like I can trust my intuition in most cases, but with dating, the fear gets in the way, so I can’t tell the difference. So I get all these anxious feelings, which are mostly just fear, telling me DANGER DANGER.

But really, if I can step back and look at the facts, everything is going to be fine.

We exchanged a few emails, a few texts, and a phone call. I am all about meeting in person quickly cause it’s stupid to waste time on a fantasy. The texting is also the most annoying thing in the WHOLE WORLD (I hate texting and would rather talk), but he seems to “get it” when I’ve asked him to call or have given him a call to action (i.e., let’s make plans, rather than spin our wheels typing stupid messages).

I hate texting so much that I woke up in the middle of the night last night just pissed off thinking about it.

It sounds dramatic, but trying to get to know a guy by writing text messages back and forth just burns a flaming firey furnace through me. Cue the dramatic music.

We share a similar sense of humor and he was nice on the phone had a good voice (things that are important to me). He was the only guy out of like 30 guys who didn’t just do the stupid “wink” thing, but who also wrote a nice, funny email to me using the same goofy/weird tone in my ad.

I have to remind myself of this – it’s a good thing. The worst thing that can happen is I just like him as a friend (no attraction). And then we can both move on and I can find someone who hates texting as much as I do. For me this is just about putting one foot in front of the other…

Later :

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My favorite time of day is 4:30 in the afternoon. Not because my j.o.b. will be over soon. But because I love the sky at this time and the low sunlight anticipating dusk. It’s the time when I used to run.

It’s just beautiful that slant of daylight.

100,000

Look what my tea fortune said this morning:

“Happiness comes when you overcome the most impossible challenges.”

Going to bed now – so grateful for my quiet-little-dirty-dog-hair-and-sand-filled apartment and being able to afford to put gas in my car and have the money to pay for it. And for this big queen sized bed that I am lucky enough to sleep in.

So grateful that in a few weeks something that I wrote for my j.o.b. will be mailed to 100,000 homes. That is the biggest audience my writing has ever had. Really cool. Yes, it’s junk mail and a coupon, but it’s still my words. It’s not a novel, but it’s something.

I feel like good things happen when we appreciate. It’s about appreciating what you have right now. Today when I was running I over heard this girl scout leader telling these girls:

“The first time you try to do anything it’s hard. But with practice it gets easier.”

It made me think of this blog. When you’re used to feeling bad and it has become a way if life, it take practice to feel good. It’s like climbing a mountain. You kind if fight it because feeling bad is easier and familiar. It takes work.

When you practice changing how you feel, it changes your brain. I believe that.

The other side of depression

Everything has been really good lately. In fact I even have been accused of being… happy. I don’t know what happened, but I sunk to a low point a few years ago and even last year was hard and now I just feel really hopeful and good. It’s nice to soak this in.

But there is also something to be said about depression being a motivator. I feel like depression has been a monster and a gift. If I’d never felt it I wouldn’t be the writer I am today. I wouldn’t paint or make art or run or dance or do yoga. Depression has sort of been my path to happiness.

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Plus a green smoothie and going to see a movie tonight with friends.