I think it’s safe to say I am depressed right now… I’m not going to do anything crazy, but I am not okay.

I am sitting in bed eating Ritz crackers and reading blogs.

Last night I went out dancing and started crying when my shoe broke because I don’t have $100 to buy a new pair (and then I was reminded about the shoe repair store…yeah).

I’m living in the most beautiful city in the country and I want to lie in bed all day.

I’ve never wanted to lie in bed like this before. I am ALWAYS good about exercise, feeding myself (well, still good at that), and functioning pretty damn normally in society despite how I feel.

This depression is weird.

I guess because it actually has a reason and usually for me there is no reason. There are many reasons I suppose. I’m not going to list them out, but they have to do with losing my dreams.

Everyone has a dream, right? You live for that dream whatever it is.

When you’re growing up people encourage you to go for your dream and you can do it and stuff like that. So, you surge ahead and beat a lot of odds and things seem to be falling into place. And then they start eroding and going backward.

I know my dream like the back of my hand and I’m no longer going to be in denial that it is eluding me.

I REALY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to be a writer. i wanted to write books. i wanted to work from home.

I destroyed my hands, my eyesight, my social life trying to get there. Working on Friday nights. Sacrifying, giving energy to this thing. And now I just don’t care anymore.

It’s safe to say this year has SUCKED.

When you’re 34 and you’re trying to live that dream and you can’t remember the last time you went to the dentist or bought underwear, it’s not so breezy and fun anymore. When you’re parents keep being supportive, yet you can hear in their voices that they wish you’d come to terms with reality. When you no longer get those comments about how you’re going to be famous someday and how isn’t it great that you’re doing your own thing and going against the grain.

Instead, you see the sacrifices and the erosion of your life.

Thirty-four is not 25. You don’t have sparkles in your eyes anymore about life and where it will take you. You’re living your choices from yesterday, the good and the bad. You can see your age on your face and it’s the weridest thing in the world. You write typos and don’t even care anymore.

I am running out of money. My parents have a nice warm bed I can sleep in, so I am lucky, but going home sounds so lame. My other option, it seems, is to get a real job here and have my life sucked away in a 9-5.

That’s why right now, I am thinking about tents and living in one.

A person on Yahoo questions asked:

Is it possible to live in a tent in the woods? What about a tarp?

Here is my answer (to myself and to this question):

You might be able to live in a tent in the woods for a short time, but here’s the thing…

Long ago when I worked for the Forest Service, I saw the types of people who have homes near the woods. These are not (for the most part) people you have anything in common with or who you want as your neighbor. They’re, to put it nicely… weird.

So, basically, you’re going to be in your tent off the side of the road, basking that you made it and are now living in a tent with no responsibilities. It will be sweet for about an hour.

Maybe even a month or two (until Chase uses FBI tracking devices and Google Earth to find you and get you to pay that $150 a month you owe on your credit card).

The rain is going to suck (and it will rain if you’re near the woods), so living in a car would actually be a better bet, except when you’re living in your car, you forget that all your stuff is also living with you.

So you’re not just relaxing with the seat down, but with your groceries books, laptop, sweatshirt, underwear, pens, tampons, pasta, alarm clock, cellphone cord, blanket, tupperware, kleenex, jeans, laundry basket, laundry detergent, plates and fork, water (of course, WATER), drinking cup, paper towel, another towel, coffee mug, wallet, running shoes, other shoes, backpack, duffle bag, flashlight, pocket knife, can opener, blanket, coat, hat, tweezers, more clothes, iron, hangers, sunglasses… on your lap.

Once you pack all that shit in your car, you will have no place to sleep.

Those things will also be in the tent with you if you decide to go that route. And it will rain. And if you leave your tent for a little while to get some food or go to the bathroom somewhere, you could come back with NO TENT because someone stole it from you.

And then you’re just in the woods.

Maybe that is freedom. But then it makes me think about that guy who wrote that book about traveling around the country with nothing and how he ended up in Alaska, on a bus, and oops, he forgot to realize that humans require FOOD and died tragically in the bus (I think that was the story, but correct me if I’m wrong).

So, no, living in a tent or tarp is probably not the best idea. RV anyone?

photo by Photo Monkey