This morning I woke up at 7 am writing something in my head…
This was before I was awake. I saw the first three lines. I remember the topic.
I almost got up and fired up my laptop, but ended up staying in bed and doing the usual things: making tea, reading the news, getting dressed, relaxing.
I know why I didn’t jump right in and start writing.
I don’t like this topic.
It’s not a fun one; It’s responsibility.
I’m not even sure if I fully believe it, but I’ve read many times and am learning:
- a) you create everything (EVERYTHING) you are experiencing and
- b) since you create everything you can take some responsibility and own it
I really do hate this concept… maybe hate is a strong word… It’s just that I’ve (and we’ve) created so many things we don’t like. I don’t actually want to be responsible and take credit for it. Unless I like it.
But the things we don’t like… and especially the things we really don’t like… they have an electric charge — they are pulled toward us like a magnet.
Think that’s not true? Let’s take the following things, which I very much dislike:
- Not having money
- Being alone.
- Being around people.
- Being depressed or anxious
- Not knowing what to do.
- Not knowing how to change.
- Being bothered.
- Being frustrated.
If you’re thinking in terms of responsibility and owning up to it, I’m responsible for it (and no one else…ugh):
My financial situation. I haven’t tried very hard to make it anything else, so I guess I have caused it. Bleh.
Crying. Thinking that crying helps any situation is actually kind of funny. The only thing crying does is makes us believe it’s something we need to do, but crying in and of itself is a waste of time. Indulging in crying is indulging in pain. Crying doesn’t actually release the feeling; letting go of the feeling is a choice. Am I done yet? Yet? How about now? Yes. Oh that was a good cry…. my ass…
Being alone. It feels safer and I can relax, and then I get lonely and wish people were around and then they come around and bug the shit out of me. People or no people, it’s the same; peace and safety come from within. People can’t give you peace; you give it to you. Isolation on a mountain top can’t give you peace either. I’ve been around tons of people, like an noisy restaurants and have felt totally at peace. It’s a mindset.
Maybe getting depressed or anxious is something I’ve chosen? Maybe once upon a time, it was an expression of pain. I thought I didn’t have the energy or capability or genes to get out of it, but I — and we all — have 100% capacity to do and achieve anything. I mean LOOK AT THE WORLD. Someone invented electricity and airplanes and we have satellites that go beyond the planets and have found the possibility of water in space, yet I am so messed up I have to be depressed? Again… it’s kind of funny. I really don’t have to be that way. I can have moments, but they aren’t forever.
Not knowing what to do. My mind — everyone’s minds — don’t have ANY answers. They are empty file cabinets. Usually the answer comes in a flash, in a moment’s time. It comes from something higher.
Not knowing how to change. Again, my mind doesn’t know! I don’t know! But I can take responsibility by using my will to choose. I have a will. I willed myself out of bed today. I am willing myself to write (or read) these words. This is a choice. I can make choices in any way I want. No one ever knows what I am thinking so I can think whatever I want, no matter how positive or crazy.
Owning up to this… it’s a little scary. And then I’m angry all over again.
The anger is so deep and strong. Again, it’s really energizing. Just being one with it, allowing it to be there. It’s a caffeine shot.
Here’s what I will own up to:
I dislike pain (wrote about that previously), which has brought me enormous pain. So I guess I’ve caused my pain… waved the pain wand.
I have disliked myself (working on this), which has caused me to disown myself and be fearful of expressing what I really think. Yes, I’m writing this in this blog, but NO ONE knows about this blog. I don’t tell my family, friends, no one really.
Maybe taking responsibility is being OK with these things. OK with disliking pain and being OK with disliking myself sometimes. Maybe it’s doing that and then applying love. Loving it up.
Maybe it’s like when you did something wrong in school and then you confessed. Yes, I ate the crayons. Yes, I stole the lunch money. Yes, I used swear words. I’m sorry. I forgive it. I forgive me.
You take responsibility and then it goes free…
Depression has protected me and kept me from growing as a person, taking chances, and being all I can be, and I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF ANYWAY.
I’m scared to grow up and be responsible and look at my life without blaming others, and I love and approve of myself anyway.
Being anxious and nervous is not always pretty, but I can feel these things, be neurotic, and love and approve of myself anyway.
I dislike pain and yet have inflicted it upon myself, and I love and approve of myself anyway.
I don’t always like myself and have struggled with confidence, and I love and approve of myself anyway.
I am not outgoing and I am not always friendly and smiley, but I love and approve of myself anyway.
I’m terrified to really put myself out there, but I love and approve of myself anyway.
These feelings can be terrifying, but they do not define me.
It’s pretty silly to worry about what other people think, when I CAN NEVER KNOW.
Putting myself down isn’t helping, and I’m the one who is doing it.
I do not have to be defined by a past that never was….
A friend was saying this to me yesterday:
The past does not exist. You’ve defined yourself by these stories, but they don’t exist. All that exists is what you choose to do right now. You don’t have to return to these same stories; your mind is not in charge. You can live in situations that bring you pain or give it up and take back control.
Then she said:
Say yes to anything that is preventing you from feeling at peace. Say yes to the resistance; say yes to the fear and worries and the SHIT.
The more you say yes, the more you are free.
If you keep saying no — no more being sad, no more being anxious, no more being alone, NO MORE OF THIS SHIT — YOU’RE DRAWING MORE OF IT TO YOU. IT’S LIKE OPPOSITE DAY IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL…
You say no and you get a picture in your mind. No, I don’t want this. No, I don’t like that.
Your mind is just a computer. It records everything. It doesn’t discern. So, you say no, and your computer hears it and creates it.
No is anything you don’t like, can’t stand, wish was different, bothers you.
No more being sad; I want to get better = two opposing forces. There’s (no) more sad AND I am better, but these can’t exist side by side.
So how do you shut off a program on a computer? What do you have to do?
You Say YES.
Do you want to switch this off?
Oh hell yes. And you GO THERE.
You say yes. Yes! And then you love yourself through it. There’s no reason to hate a computer program; it’s really nothing.
You say yes to the grief, and yes to the sadness, and yes to the anger, and yes to the misery, and yes to failing and being hopeless.. You stop pushing it away and allow it to be there, and apply love… I love you.
Whatever thought you have:
I am pathetic. I love you.
I will always be sad. I love you.
I can’t get better. I love you.
I don’t have it in me. I love you.
This is never ending. I love you.
I should just end it all. I love you.
No one would miss me. I love you.
Every thought, every feeling, you just love the shit out if it, because it isn’t REAL. It’s stories in YOUR HEAD. After awhile it’s comical (in the right moment, honestly).
Then it’s sad, and it’s hard to let go, and then sometimes it’s easy.
Feelings, for me anyway, feel so big and overwhelming. It helps to have support. People who can help you, people you can talk to…
But the biggee is what you do in secret, behind closed doors.
Are you sneaking off to hurt yourself? Are you being loving? Remember you don’t have to KNOW HOW. You just have to be open and allow and give up the fight and resistance.
And no one, and I MEAN NO ONE, knows what you or I do behind closed doors…
Everyone has a secret world. It’s how they treat themselves.
Do you punish yourself in that world — torture, hanging, stabbing? You can do all of that. You ARE doing all of that. Or do you love yourself? Forgiving, letting go, giving it up, loving?
- Which do you like better?
- Which feels better?
You give yourself approval for being brave and strong.
And you give yourself approval just because. For shits and giggles.
You give yourself approval because you brushed your teeth this morning.
You give yourself approval because you have fingers and toes.
You give yourself approval because it’s night.
You give yourself approval because someone is eating pizza right now.
You do it (you love) just to do it. Because when you scrape off all the other stuff, love is all that remains. So it is the only thing that is real.
Then you love your wandering thoughts, your neurosis, you love the things that bother you. You love them with all the force of the universe. You love them will all your might, even if you FEEL NOTHING, do it anyway. Your mind is listening and recording this new, strange information.
Oh, so and so is being loving. That is interesting (actually the mind doesn’t judge or discern). Oh, look there’s some more love. Love, let’s do that again.
And then oh my god, there is some love. Something unexplainable happens.
And then when it goes bad again. It’s just the trash pile…. it’s always there! Your job, and your only job, is to be OK even if it’s there. That will bring you peace.
I know I’m simplifying, but you bring it up and drop the unloving thoughts. They are the only things separating from peace. You drop the feeling/thought like you drop a pen.
“Oh that’s my ego again. Silly thing. It’s like a wandering puppy picking up trash (thoughts and feeling). I’m going to love myself through it.”
It’s just my ego?! It’s just a computer that lives inside of me, programed to do what it does.
Can you believe that people decide to kill themselves because of a thing as silly as their ego?! = a garbage-eating-dog. Dude…
That is such a fucking cop out. I’m sorry but that is a cop out for not taking responsibility. You’re more scared of taking responsibility than staying alive! You haven’t exercising your will for anything other than oh this sucks for so long you can’t remember what it’s like to pick and choose.
Time to go do something active — life up your arm, scratch your head, go buy a candy bar, do jumping jacks — and exercise your will, consciously.
Who is doing it? You are.
Would you blame someone else because you couldn’t go to the store and buy a candy bar.
Oh man, I want to buy that candy bar but I just can’t. I don’t have it in me. I mean, the bar, it just wouldn’t let me. It’s bigger than me. I can’t pick it up. I won’t. I have to stand outside and not have it. Never have it. I don’t even know if I really want it. I’m no good for it. I can win. I’ll stay outside.
Kinda ridiculous put that way.
Otherwise, would you rather be afraid and beat yourself up? and do the no-way-out routine?
When this entire time the universe has loved and supported you. It always loves and supports you. It plays no favorites. This is actually a fact that we all know deep down. It just gets covered up in stories.
You came from love and have always been loved.
The ego (hungry garbage puppy) is just trying to help and protect you, but it keeps you in the same cycle, day after day, year after year. It takes you down.
Yet that energy that takes you down is actually the catalyst that heals you. The ego is just trying to help. It’s your annoying grandma-aunt-mother-father-brother who keeps bugging the living shit out of you, but they means well.
Love the fear, love the frustration, love the want, love the lack.
Love the puppy and love that trash.
- The parts of yourself you hate – can you let go of that hating? Just right now?
- Can you be OK not knowing who you are?
- Can you stop defining yourself by a past that never was?
- Can you give up the entire story just for ONE SECOND?
I’m going to actually try this. Maybe for 1-5 seconds.
- Can you give up the second story, the one about being ashamed about the first story?
- Can you give up the fight, that you must be right?
Yes. Yes. yes. Yes.
- Can you open up and love the resistance?
- Can you love it with your whole might?
- Can you love it even if you might explode?
- Can you love it even if you die?
- Can you allow yourself to die just using your mind, right now?
That does feel better…
The mind is a joke. It tells you you’ll DIE if you don’t listen to it, but it’s lying.
So you stop listening and surrender and everything turns out better than you could have imagined. This is what I’m talking about.
“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody — no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds… Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.”