I’m not looking at any of the previous posts on this blog. Not how “far” I’ve come. I can’t really look at any of that right now, and yet I also don’t want to delete it.
The harsh reality is that I was a complete and utter fool to believe I had met the “one” and that it was going to work with someone who wanted different things than me.
The harsh reality is that he is relieved right now that I am no longer in his life. He has been processing and planning his exit for weeks. And he did all of that while continuing to post happy photos of us on Facebook, making comments about intending to be with me long-term, and even giving me a new toothbrush to use and keep at his house for our last night together.
He wants to be healing, kind, and supportive, but he is only willing to do those things on his terms.
Any disagreement with his terms and… I don’t know. It makes him frustrated, almost obsessively so.
I’ve realized there was a complete disregard of my feelings. Complete.
The moment we had a discussion about solidifying the relationship, he posted it on Facebook — without asking me.
If I tried to tell him how I liked things in bed or in other ways, he couldn’t put his heart (or mind) around it. He was offended. But HELLO, every girl is different.
If I disagreed with his opinion, I was wrong; it was fact. I’m not the kind of person who can walk about feeling “wrong” and maintain my peace. I wanted his approval too badly and I turned into a marshmallow. It created total imbalance.
But the other truths are that he really only gave me what HE needed, not what I needed. He said that no one had ever accepted and been appreciative of what he had to give. But he never gave me what he personally thought I needed. He gave me his idea of what I needed — but it was totally generic. It wasn’t catered to me personally because he doesn’t really know me.
I actually don’t feel better writing this. I thought I would. I thought if I started reading books and writing and trying to get better, I would feel better. Instead, I feel more like I’m facing the truth: that he has been finished for weeks, and that right now he is in a great state of relief.
Since I so rarely let anyone into my world, that is a hard one to swallow. We acted like and thought we were the perfect match, until he got too comfortable and had to shake things up. The guy will tell you he is ready to meet the one, BUT HE IS NOT.
I guess the truth is also that I should have broke it off with him. I should have broke it off with him when he asked me if I still had feelings for the guy I was dating before him (I was trying not to, but I DID), and I told him I did, but that I was OK letting him go. At the time I really wasn’t ready to let the other guy go.
Also, when I got the feeling very early on that we didn’t want the same things in life — like who the fuck wants to go travel around Asia for a year with no home base, living out of a bag — No. That sounds awful. But it mostly sounds awful to do that with him.
He doesn’t value ANYTHING I have to offer, which primarily is love, acceptance, humor, kindness, and intelligence. I believe he instead is interested in someone who is more like him — someone who doesn’t have a career or know where they’re going in life. He wants someone to challenge him, but I don’t think he wants to be challenged. He wants to be right.
Yeah good luck again. You can’t challenge someone who is stubborn and trapped in one idea of reality. My vote for a challenge? Get a girl knocked up and have fun trying to travel.
I should have seen the red flags when he felt things getting comfortable between us at around week 4, and immediately made a decision to leave for 3 weeks. HE CAN’T DEAL WITH COMFORT.
He’ll always be one of those people whose life is filled with drama. Always. If there isn’t any he’ll create it. I think it makes him feel alive.
All it is is a fucking adrenaline addiction. But taking someone who doesn’t like drama on roller coaster isn’t fair. What’s also not fair is acting like you don’t like drama — like it’s initially such a relief to date a chill girl, when really YOU NEED DRAMA TO FUNCTION and feel like yourself.
His life will always be like this. It’s sad because his dad is getting Alzheimer’s Disease and they are close and he is going to have to go through that. I have so much love and support to give and he doesn’t want that from me. Those things are not at the top of his list. He doesn’t want or truly value kindness.
Shit. I still don’t feel better…. It’s shocking to realize you were disposable. I guess we all do it to get what we want. I disposed of the guy before him, even though I still cared about him. I did it to try to move up and get what I want.
I think the complete disregard of my feelings is the most difficult part. That and being left high and dry and realizing the magnitude of how impossible our relationship would have ever been to go anywhere.
OK, so let’s focus on the better part. I’ve reached out to friends, and spend two nights in a friend’s guest room. Her and I then went back to my house and rearranged the furniture. I called my mom and asked her if I can come home.
What to do about Facebook has been agonizing. First, I had my friend change my password, so I cannot log in at all. What a relief. I need a break from it anyway. Then, after more agonizing and realization, I had her block him.
This removes all of our photos and everything and essentially makes him gone. I can’t search for him and he can’t find me.
I deleted his texts. I need to just delete his number too. He, of course, is breaking up with me the only way he knows how — in the way that serves HIM BEST. Worse yet, I let him dictate how I let go of the guy before him — very fast and abruptly (we were still friends, but he had moved away). But it wasn’t at all my style. I did it his way in order to keep him. And that was like day 2.
Perhaps it would have worked out better if I didn’t do things his way. But I can tell you what would have happened. I would have ended it. I can’t deal w/ something getting upset because my choice and how I live is different from theirs.
And while he is close with his parents, which I highly value, he’s not that nice to them. He acts entitled and has told me repeatedly that he’ll inherit their house when they are gone, and that his sister better not want it. And his mom is only 56.
I would say one of the biggest red flags I have ever seen from anyone in my life was the way he talked to his mom. When frustrated, he wouldn’t listen to a word she said. Only if she would do what he said and admit he was right. He just plain wouldn’t listen. I know this particular conversation was a tense one between them, but their way of working things out — of him putting her in the corner until all she could do was shut up, shrug her shoulders and walk away — that is fucked him and I can’t marry someone like that.
It’s that not hard to listen to someone, even to disagree, but to still be kind and let them talk and process. I think he is tough love. He should coach hockey, work with men. That is his style. Tough love does not work on me. It does not motivate me. It scares me.
The love I want has respect on both ends. Respect that I am doing the best I can. Respect that provides a rock and safe place to go even during an argument — that is the place where growth happens for me with a man. In a place where you can talk things out calmly without getting a look of distance in your eyes. I never got any sense of him being able to create that safe space w/ him when the going gets tough. For him when it gets tough, he gets tough and builds a blockade and operates through it. To me it comes out as plain old mean and harsh; to him I think it’s matter of fact, which is how he is w/ his parents.
Or how he was.
Anyway, this is too much about him… I think he should travel, but I don’t think he should come home and live in his parent’s house. His life should be travel; it’s his bliss. He should be getting a plane ticket and doing it right now.