Last night I had a dream about the concept of the world as a game.
It was a pretty profound dream because it reminded me that this world is kind of a joke (read a post about this). If we can see it that way we become more powerful.
Instead of believing everything we see and fear as a fact, this world is akin to a board game. It’s not huge and terrifying; it’s a illusion.
Like what if it really was a game and the goal of the game was to face your fears and realize they are NOTHING?
In the dream I had to find a group of four people to pair up with. It was really fun at first and there was a huge group of people. But at one point a girl was taken away from all of us — she was eliminated — and at that point I realized it was game.
It was announced that the winner of the game would be the last person eliminated. They would win a large amount of money.
We had to pair up again, but this time everyone was nervous. There were zombie-like people participating and it got creepy. This scary looking man approached me and I started screaming.
Then I remembered the prize… and that I was being judged and could be eliminated for showing fear… so I opened my eyes and stared at him. He walked up to me and I didn’t blink.
I concentrated on breathing and loving him and not showing an ounce of concern.
It was like passing a test. We then had to pair up again into a foursome, this time with some of the zombie people. I couldn’t find a group. No matter who I asked, everyone already had partners.
Finally, I went outside and found people alone who were trying to play the game on their own.
That didn’t seem like a good way to win either, so I went over to a very-scary run down house. I knocked on the door. I could see a skinny druggie-induced man inside. He was disgusting. I didn’t care. I asked if he needed another person on their team.
The man smiled and invited me in and I realized he was friendly even though he looked like death. I would be on a team of zombies and that this might be the way to win. I befriended the enemy. The judges would never eliminate someone who showed courage.
Then my alarm went off…
What if life really was like that?
Do you remember that scary movie The Ring? I somehow found a video store (!) a few weeks ago and rented The Ring 2. In that movie the mom character has to save her son from being possessed. Instead of protecting him she has to drown him.
Then she has to jump off a cliff… Can you imagine if jumping off a cliff was the answer to saving your life?
Can you imagine if doing terrifying things (but obviously not dangerous life-threatening things) could shift the game?
Could you imagine if doing things DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW could help?
Maybe just .005 times different on a scale of 1-100?
I don’t know….
I woke up from that dream with this extreme feeling of strength. It felt so good!
I felt like I could do anything (kind of).
Then I started to think about my mind — how it’s just messes me up sometimes. I have anxiety that comes out of nowhere — and it feels like it’s going to kill me or humiliate me.
I feel depressed sometimes and I can’t figure out why.
Next time I feel those things I guess I have to try and step away.
If I let them overcome me, I am told lies.
I am told I am nothing. I have no strength.
I am told things will never change... I will die this way… I might as well just die now… I fear oblivion… I fear facing people…. I will never amount to anything… this pain is forever…
Then I wake up one day and feel better and I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Some of the best stories in the world are about people overcoming things. When you hear about people managing really fucked up situations or coping with circumstances much worse than your own you feel things ease just a little.
Sometimes you just need a string. You need the littlest tiniest thing to reach out for.
Then sometimes when good things catch you, you get another thing, and another.I feel like I need to write down my fears, even though some (all) of them are stupid:
-Getting old and being alone.
-Never amounting to anything.
-Losing my mind.
-Starving to death
-Sitting in heavy traffic that doesn’t move for hours.
-Getting abducted by aliens (haha)
-Being locked in a room alone (like seriously, is this ever going to happen?! And better yet if it did, would I be OK? YES. I’d manage it like everything else)
-Realizing that I’m actually in a coma right now and not experiencing anything (haha… this is actually kind of funny too).
-Realizing I’ve been in a bad accident and don’t know who I am anymore and that I’m hallucinating everything I’m experiencing now (Yes, this is why I don’t do drugs — no fucking need here!)
-Having people make fun of me
-Being humiliated in public (wow, I never realized that before)
I don’t know why… but I think the key is NOT CARING EITHER WAY whether these things happen. Now THAT IS craaaazzzzyyyyyy.
-So I’m going to starve to death today? Who gives a shit. I’m already 100% OK so I don’t have to worry or fret. It’s just part of the game!
-So aliens abducted me and I don’t know where I am? It’s fine I’m OK. (actually I’m still scared of this one, haha — I need to release on it).
-So I’m losing my fucking mind?! Well, it never helped that much anyway. Go right ahead.
You know what it is? It’s not clinging so hard to fears, not needing them to be a certain way. And believing that at your deepest core you are always 100% OK.
You are OK NO MATTER WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU OR WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.
You can be burned, shot, assaulted, attacked by zombie people and at your core you are still OK. Because at your core you are unchangeable and forever and acceptable.
Let’s go ahead and say that is one of my reasons to live for today.
LET’S PLAY THIS GAME OUR WAY!