Less Afraid

Things are SO much better. I feel like I’ve come out of the dark stuff.

I know myself a little better. I know what matters. I’m not fighting so hard against life. I’ve done a lot more of the Release Technique and it has been the big thing that has made the difference.

I feel like I used to feel when I was younger — like I want to travel and explore and learn and experience the world a bit more.

The other day I was getting on the train to go to work and it hit me that I’d only had two hours of sleep and suddenly the anxiety hit. When I’m tired I get anxious and it is awful. My heart started to pound like I was going to have a panic attack. I grabbed my bag to get off the train and it started moving.

I was trapped. I quickly turned something helpful on to listen to. And I started having the thought that I can be tired without being anxious. Those don’t have to go hand in hand.

Not only that, I can be tired and have a wonderful day. Maybe I can even get two hours of sleep and not be tired. After all being tired is a just a story in my head. Every thought and feeling I have is just a product of my mind.

So I started letting myself feel tired without feeling anxious and unsafe. I let myself be tired without needing to change it. I realized I can be tired and really uncomfortable and yet perfectly OK. That is a breakthrough.

I can be exhausted and yet OK. I can get no sleep and be out in public and not die (or feel like I’m going to die).

I quickly was able to calm down on the train. I don’t think I’ve ever been that tired and not felt insanely anxious at the same time, wanting and needing to change it.

Suddenly I felt like I could get on an airplane and go anywhere. Do anything. I love being home, but I felt like my world was expanding. It has felt shrunken for a long time. It at times has felt like just a few rooms. Now it feels like the entire world and this is gorgeous.

That day I worked an entire day, including my lunch, and then went to yoga and then went to my boyfriend’s house and out to dinner. On two hours of sleep. Seriously historic. I was giddy at being able to do this. I never in a million years thought it was possible.

Sometimes incredible shifts can be made with the right knowledge.

“Stars are the scars of the universe.”

― Ricky Maye

I’m not sure what happened, but I feel happier and more content these days. Daily life is kinda fun. I’m hurrying less to get to the next moment. Even if I’m doing something stupid or if I’m waiting for something, I’m enjoying it. Everything feels sort of exhilarating and good.

I even have a job and I’m OK with it. I’m sort of excited about it. I might even have an actual career at some point if I’m not careful.

But I’ll always be a wanderer at heart. I’ll never let myself get buried for years in a job I hate. I’d rather live in my car and go camping.

Things get better if you let them. Life definitely doesn’t turn out the way you think it will, but maybe those surprises and keeping expectations low at times is what sweetens it up.

How Many Fuck Ups Did You Have This Year?

Yeah, I’m kidding with that title, but hey, I think the ability to laugh at yourself and the absurdity of life is a good thing.

This year, the #1 biggest thing I have learned is that negative emotions — the really shitty stuff — needs to be felt, not suppressed. The better I am at welcoming up  feelings and making a decision to be OK with whatever they are and whether they go or stay, the more I am at peace.

#2 Life is never going to be plastic wrapped in a perfect package. Being here on earth is kind of like hell (my personal hell is driving on the 805 every morning, so I am choosing not to do that again). The more I can accept  and be OK with whatever happens, the happier I am. Unpredictably is the ONLY thing that is constant.

“The mind is always seeking zones of safety, and these zones of safety are continuously falling apart.”

#3 When you go toward the really shitty stuff it can feel like you’re going to die of discomfort. You won’t die. It is actually possible to feel awful AND experience the part of yourself that is whole and healthy at the same time. Allow that OK part to be present as often as you can, no matter what you feel.

“It’s part of being human to feel discomfort… The more you’re willing to open your heart, the more challenges come along.”

#4 Appreciate whatever is around you. The messes. The problems. The accidents. The tragedies. Instead of pushing away what hurts, allow it in with curiosity. It’s like being curious about a sunset or a rose, but instead you’re surrendering and accepting what is true about your life without needing to change it.

Amazingly, this is what actually makes it change.

That is what allows an open door of hope. That is when decisions get made about what to do (or not do).

“There’s no problem with being where you are right now.”

If you are alone, if you are hated, if you are loved, it is all perfect. Believe that, and you won’t suffer anymore. You already have everything you need and are 100% on the right path.

~All big text are quotes by Pema Chodron

Well hi

Oh December… cold, busy, fa-la-la…

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I’d imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts. They always come with the exact amount they need.

So, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn’t be an extra part. I was here for some reason. And that means you are here for some reason, too…

― Hugo Cabret (slightly edited)

Get a Free Book for a Review

I’m looking for people to write short, honest Amazon review for 101 Affirmations for Confidence and Self-Love. Shoot me an email if you want a free copy and email I’ll send you one in exchange.

You can read it as a PDF even if you don’t have a Kindle. It’s a short easy read. Hopefully it might help some people too!

Does anyone know how new ebooks get so many reviews?!

The

Being Equal to Everyone Else

Being equal to everyone else… is hard.
It means putting no one down.
Not in your mind, heart, or soul.

Because that person you dislike is you…
You and that person are the same.

Being equal to everyone else means
You judge no one.
You do not put others or yourself down.

That homeless person is equal to you.
The millionaire is equal to you.
The asshole who cut you off is you….

You aren’t any better or worse or anyone.
You are neither inferior nor superior.

When you do this you let go of the heaviness
And burden of life.

One Thing to Prioritize in Your Life

No one has any time — we all know that. Yet, I believe you DO make time for what is important.

What if you could make time for one new thing that could make a huge difference in improving your life?

I realized the other day that I always make time for exercise. The reason I do it is because it feels physically painful in my body to sit around all the time. I get achy and start going stir crazy if I don’t move.

So I GO OUT OF MY WAY to work out. It often goes to #1 on my list of things I must do in a day. When something is #1, you do it. You don’t think about it, you JUST DO IT.  Nothing can stop you.

I started thinking I’d like to do more to prioritize my mental health. Because if I only work on myself occasionally, I feel bad.

I’m already starting most days spending 5 minutes reading affirmations from, 101 Affirmations for Confidence and Self-Love.

But it’s not enough… So, I’m adding just a few minutes here and there of doing the Release Technique practice. I’ll release my feelings (or some of them) on a goal until I have no doubts or resistance.

Since I am still stumbling around a job goal that feels OK, I’ve instead chosen goals that are more universal. Like this one:

I allow myself to 100% supremely love myself with ease.

I write it down and then write down any feelings/thoughts that come up. Such as:

I don’t know how
I have some doubt
Resistance
Can I really do that?

Then I take each of those thoughts to wanting approval, wanting control and wanting safety — and allow the want to come up and then let it go so I HAVE.

After a few minutes there is some clarity. A little more love. I’ve noticed this love can last throughout the day.

I’m doing this because:

You don’t get better by doing nothing. You have to DO things. You can make one change.

It can even be a 10 second change.

Each time you spend 10 seconds focused on something new or helpful you’re DO-ing better.

Pick one thing…. Keep it a secret if you must.

Cliff Jumping

Reason to live:

When someone says to you, “how’s your day going?” And you say, “Uh, not so good.”

They respond and remind you, “Yeah, that’s life sometimes. Ups and downs.” And then you remember you just can’t get away from it — the pain and the pleasure.

It’s crazy and ridiculous… You think, “oh I’ll just stay home  and I’ll feel better, but then you don’t”. So you leave and get hit with the crap.

Then you remember the crap is LIFE. It’s your ego’s response to the world. It doesn’t know any better how to respond.

Bad stuff happens… good stuff happens… you learn to be more OK with it by detaching from your ego. Your ego = all your thoughts and ramblings in your head. It’s choosing to identify with the real you more than those things.

You can get hit with thunder and fire and still be OK. You really can!

THEN YOU ARE FREE.

Then you have more empathy and more love to give EVERYONE.

We’re all stuck in the past — we’re all walking around in memories. When you get hurt it’s just a feeling from the past.

It’s tempting to want to escape and walk away from it all.

Then you remember that EVERYONE deals with the exact same thing. Those who feel most alive are the ones who don’t fear it. They seek out experiences that bring it up — pain, joy, fear, ecstasy. They aren’t walking around scared.

The other night I realized as I was driving (on a quiet, peaceful road) that I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe in this world.

And for the first time I saw this as a product of my ego. IT’S NOT REAL. It’s a choice I am making in a deep, unconscious way. I am choosing to want safety, rather than letting myself have it.

This unsafe feeling is just a feeling — a game, you might say, that my ego is playing. I drop it the moment I get home and crawl into bed.

Anytime I want (and with practice) I can let go of that unsafe feeling and decide I AM SAFE.  ALL THE TIME.

This concept is so weird and powerful, I’m having a hard time grasping it. I actually freaked out when I realized I constantly don’t feel safe for no reason. It’s a terrible uncomfortable feeling inside.

Imagine the times you don’t feel safe — when there is actual danger in your path — now imagine having that all the time. I really got hit with seeing that this is often how I operate. 

This is pretty personal, but I want to share it… it’s not as bad as I’m explaining here, but it’s worse than I want it to be….

This is why I feel most safe at home. I feel most safe lying in bed and every day I so look forward to putting on my pjs or sweat pants and getting under the covers…. where it’s “safe.”

But why would it be any safer under the covers?!

The only reason I can think of is because I feel in control.

When I walk outside into the day, I lose that control.

I don’t know why, but there is just this silly fear underneath it all. It’s something I decided long ago.

If I feel I can’t control my environment I worry I am going to freak.

This is why I choose people who make me feel safe. But you know, it’s just a choice I make. I’ve chosen people in the past who I thought were safe who were definitely not.

What all of this means is THAT HAVING SAFETY IS A DECISION. No one else can package up safety and give me a shot of it. It doesn’t come in a can or a bottle or in anything you can read or take. It’s a thought between your ears, only.

I can set a goal of feeling safe and comfortable when I’m out in the world. That means that difficult or uncomfortable things can happen, but they don’t personally affect how safe I feel inside.

That’s because no one else can decide how I feel inside.

I am still going to wake up and feel unsafe, but the more I can choose to let it go and feel loving instead, the more I am aligned with all that is good and true.

You don’t feel like your best self when you fall apart, but you have to fall apart to become your best self.

~Richie Norton

One Thing Is Certain

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, How you managed to survive.


You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over.


But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, You won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.

― Haruki Murakami

This gives me goosebumps.

The Evening Glow

Reasons to live:

Next week is my birthday. Considering that last year I spent it with a douchebag asshole (how do you really feel?) I doing whatever the fuck I want this year. I think I’m taking myself to a ski film festival.

I think I have a place to live…. for free… for the next 7 months. With a feral cat. By a river.

I’ve almost finished reading a 997-page book. The PIllars of the Earth. This is an excellent idea if you are looking for a job and want to put it off. If that books seems too long you can download my little ebook, 101 Affirmations for Confidence and Self-Love. Or go crazy with The Perfect Pull.

Another good friend of mine is having a baby and getting married, and I am so happy for her! These girls who want babies and don’t get them until their late 30s… it’s just all the more special. I kind of wish I wanted a baby. I just want a room full of cats. But then when I’m old, like 80, I want a kid to help take care of me. Oh decisions.

It’s candy corn season.

The Release Technique stuff continues to help. It’s like I’m feeling my feelings for the first time. It’s terrifying and soothing and crazy.

I still don’t like Facebook because of all the rah-rah stupid shit on there, but I’ve realized I haven’t gone on once in the last month, nor have I had the desire. I’m proud of myself. I used to be so addicted to it. It’s really a relief to have it be in the past. I want my conversations to mainly be in person, or on the phone. And I want those conversations to be meaningful and connected. I don’t get that connection–like-feeling from having my social life online (unless it’s Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter. j/k!)

Another post filled with f-word goodnees (in case I didn’t satisfy you in the first paragraph): Why “You Can Go Fuck Yourself” Is a Great Attitude to Take on Today.

Lastly, here are some magical beings of light:

On the edge of dreaming when the brain lets go,

when it stops its scheming, our blood runs slow…

Then the heart speaks clearly of the things it knows,

things it brought so dearly at the evening’s glow.

~Oksana Rus

A Little Magic Dust

Some of my favorite affirmations from 101 Affirmations for Confidence and Self-Love:

  • When I get challenged I see the opportunity for love and approval.
  • My happiness does not depend on anything or anyone for validation.
  • I can let go of needing the approval of others to value myself.
  • I am relaxed, confident, and believe in myself.
  • I am a strong, capable, and loving human being.
  • I am lovable and acceptable whether I succeed or fail.
  • I will not tolerate mistreating myself.
  • My sense of worth cannot change, no matter what the circumstance.
  • I am able to tolerate and let go of a wide range of emotions with ease.
  • I am acceptable and lovable exactly as I am right now.
  • Everyone is equal to me and I am equal to everyone else.
  • I am wanted and loved by all of life.
  • I believe in my capacity to grow and change in a positive direction.

You can read all of them by getting your copy here (Note: you can read Kindle books easily on any device — iPhone (with an app) or laptop — you don’t need a Kindle reader).

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Nobody can say anything about you.
Whatsoever people say is about themselves.

But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center.

That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people say about you.
And you are always following them, you are always trying to satisfy them.

You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal.
Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself.

-Osho

We’re all OK

Today is a good day because:

  • It is bright and sunny outside
  • I’ve been waking up every morning and saying the 101 affirmations in the book I wrote. It is helping. You can get a copy for 99 cents, or email me and I’ll send you a PDF for free in exchange for a review. 365reasonstolive@gamil.com.
  • I love the coffee shop where I’m hanging most days. Today I look pretty, wore cute clothes and no one is starring at me. Yay!
  • I was judging various people today (missionaries, meth-looking lady in the liquor store parking lot) and caught myself and said to myself:

    They are not better or worse than me. Can I decide to be an equal to EVERYONE?

    This is SO freeing.

  • My jetpack widget is no longer working on this website, so I can’t see my stats (and I don’t know how to fix it) and I’m just going to let go and not worry about it.
  • I took my homepage off Google news and put it on a blog that inspires me.
  • They are playing Michael Jackson’s greatest hits in here. Yes!
    Probably one of my all time favorite songs below.

And that is it. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Even when things aren’t working I’m loving myself instead of cutting myself down. It is astounding.

I feel like I’m starting to feel genuine self-love for the first time.

It is not dependent on anyone else. It is not dependent on where I live. It is not dependent on anything.

I am living at home. I am underemployed. I am almost 37 and I don’t know how to get what I want. And I am starting to genuinely love myself. Ha ha!

It’s starting not to matter. The pieces are falling away. I’m starting to feel real joy for NO FUCKING REASON.

Other than — my ego/mind is dropping off, slowly, with practice. Behind all the thoughts and all the crap and garbage is this genuine joy and zest for life. And not zest for life later, but now!

So I’m feeling better even though nothing has changed in my world and I have this horribly boring editing job to do today.

I owe this improvement to what I’ve learned in the Release Technique over the past 6 months, which I’ve been doing with my friend Dan and a few other people. It’s seriously the most helpful thing I have done in years. It makes sense, feels authentic, and has me thinking about myself in a whole new way.

I’m moving forward.

I’m hating my feelings less. I’m hating pain less. I’m less scared of feeling things. That has honestly been one of my biggest problems. Fear of feelings and pain = more and more pain.

It’s just dissolving…

I freaking Love this beat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And cause we’re thinking of Michael, this one is good too:

To the guys staring at me at the coffee shop today

You must have something better to do, right? I am not interested in talking to you, and frankly I am not interesting, period.

I hope you enjoyed watching me blow my nose profusely.

No, I did not shower this morning.

Have a great day.

P.S., Thinking I need some humor to lighten things up around here.  I AND MOST WOMEN do not like being stared at (unless you are Keith Urban (j/k), or have an exceptional personality, or we’re at a bar and it’s dark so I can’t really see you).

If we have something on our face, please let us know.

P.P.S., Well the staring has ended 30 minutes later. But I’m still getting a lot of friendly looks from people — although it is nicer, less creepy.  Creepy = continuing to stare at me after I make eye contact that clearly says go the fuck away.

YES, I SEE YOU.

Ready. Fire. Aim

Today let’s do those things we’ve been putting off for no good reason. I know everyone’s time is limited, but I think you can make time for what is really important.

YOU are really important.

So make time to improve yourself and do things that will help you become stronger.

-Give yourself lots of love and approval.
-If you don’t know how to love and approve of yourself, think of something you do love unconditionally.
-Think about how much you love that person or thing and feel it
-Just do that and you’ll be loving yourself more!
-Try doing one thing you’ve been putting off (mine was going to the bank and depositing a check I’ve been carrying around)
-Do one that that aims you in the direction you want (this can take a minute or two — maybe it’s just making a list)

It’s incredibly energizing to do the things we procrastinate –> and yes this advice is coming from a master procrastinator.Even though you might at first think THIS IS GOING TO SUCK and not be fun, getting stuff done is actually really freeing.

It frees up your mind and energy.

basketP.S., I just found out my BFF from college is pregnant. I am so excited! But in my own morbid way it makes me think of this movie scene from Space Balls.

 

Reasons to live… What is your reason?