When someone says to you, “how’s your day going?” And you say, “Uh, not so good.”
They respond and remind you, “Yeah, that’s life sometimes. Ups and downs.” And then you remember you just can’t get away from it — the pain and the pleasure.
It’s crazy and ridiculous… You think, “oh I’ll just stay home and I’ll feel better, but then you don’t”. So you leave and get hit with the crap.
Then you remember the crap is LIFE. It’s your ego’s response to the world. It doesn’t know any better how to respond.
Bad stuff happens… good stuff happens… you learn to be more OK with it by detaching from your ego. Your ego = all your thoughts and ramblings in your head. It’s choosing to identify with the real you more than those things.
You can get hit with thunder and fire and still be OK. You really can!
THEN YOU ARE FREE.
Then you have more empathy and more love to give EVERYONE.
We’re all stuck in the past — we’re all walking around in memories. When you get hurt it’s just a feeling from the past.
It’s tempting to want to escape and walk away from it all.
Then you remember that EVERYONE deals with the exact same thing. Those who feel most alive are the ones who don’t fear it. They seek out experiences that bring it up — pain, joy, fear, ecstasy. They aren’t walking around scared.
The other night I realized as I was driving (on a quiet, peaceful road) that I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe in this world.
And for the first time I saw this as a product of my ego. IT’S NOT REAL. It’s a choice I am making in a deep, unconscious way. I am choosing to want safety, rather than letting myself have it.
This unsafe feeling is just a feeling — a game, you might say, that my ego is playing. I drop it the moment I get home and crawl into bed.
Anytime I want (and with practice) I can let go of that unsafe feeling and decide I AM SAFE. ALL THE TIME.
This concept is so weird and powerful, I’m having a hard time grasping it. I actually freaked out when I realized I constantly don’t feel safe for no reason. It’s a terrible uncomfortable feeling inside.
Imagine the times you don’t feel safe — when there is actual danger in your path — now imagine having that all the time. I really got hit with seeing that this is often how I operate.
This is pretty personal, but I want to share it… it’s not as bad as I’m explaining here, but it’s worse than I want it to be….
This is why I feel most safe at home. I feel most safe lying in bed and every day I so look forward to putting on my pjs or sweat pants and getting under the covers…. where it’s “safe.”
But why would it be any safer under the covers?!
The only reason I can think of is because I feel in control.
When I walk outside into the day, I lose that control.
I don’t know why, but there is just this silly fear underneath it all. It’s something I decided long ago.
If I feel I can’t control my environment I worry I am going to freak.
This is why I choose people who make me feel safe. But you know, it’s just a choice I make. I’ve chosen people in the past who I thought were safe who were definitely not.
What all of this means is THAT HAVING SAFETY IS A DECISION. No one else can package up safety and give me a shot of it. It doesn’t come in a can or a bottle or in anything you can read or take. It’s a thought between your ears, only.
I can set a goal of feeling safe and comfortable when I’m out in the world. That means that difficult or uncomfortable things can happen, but they don’t personally affect how safe I feel inside.
That’s because no one else can decide how I feel inside.
I am still going to wake up and feel unsafe, but the more I can choose to let it go and feel loving instead, the more I am aligned with all that is good and true.
You don’t feel like your best self when you fall apart, but you have to fall apart to become your best self.