A new page in a book

It’s weird I have to be honest, I’m doing well. I still have this stupid job that sucks energy out of me, but I’ve made some big strides in life: paying off a shit ton of debt, possibly finding a love interest worth keeping, and sort of feeling like I’ve opened a new page in a book that I didn’t even know existed.

It’s a trip. So many changes are happening right now. I never thought I’d get to be this old. I turn 40 in October. And I know that sounds wrinkly and decrepit, but it’s also completely natural. It’s crazy to realize that everyone on earth goes through this. Getting older, looking back, seeing life from different stages and places. I feel OK. I’m glad I never died. Even if this world is just a hologram. I’m glad I never hurt my family.

I’m glad I never died. Because it would have hurt others beyond my comprehension. It would have been a long hurt that never ended, perhaps into infinity, with broken hearts of everyone I’d ever met all breaking together. I kind of feel like we all will have our time, when it really is time, to die. So why rush it? I almost got hit by a car last week and when I realized how close I’d gotten, I also realized “it’s not my time.”

So much of my life and daily life are monotonous and I don’t even care because I’m alive and I can find things to love, even if it’s just pasta and my cat sometimes, or crawling under the covers.

There’s a stability and a strength that I didn’t have even just a year ago. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s come from getting a lot of help from other people. I did this online class thingy called Calling in the One (for like 4th time in 7 years) and then I’ve been working with a coach once a month and it was all about relating to my pain instead of asking someone else to fix what’s wrong. DUDE, IT HELPED.

I created my own fairy godmother and a forest. I created a place inside my head where I can go and be safe. I created a place to comfort myself when I’m sad.

Then I started to date after a break, and I’m learning how to have emotions like just purely wanting to be with someone because I love them, not because I’m trying to manipulate them or because I feel guilty or am using them.

Total game changer as far as dating goes and that’s been a LONG ASS ROAD. Other things happening:

I got a sweet new kitty, named Leo. I also really, really, really love him. Even though he’s 12 years old and the shelter lied and told me he was 4 (and I believed them).

I freaking love football, and specifically Michigan and I have all these pjs and shirts and hoodies from the M Den in Ann Arbor. I went there and visited last week. It’s such a quirky, cool town.

I love that my roommate is kicking me out (actually I don’t love this) and I’m going to have to live with my mom and crazy step dad for two weeks. That will be fun and annoying as shit.

I love that I am THE outcast at work because of one asshole. Assholes go to this school where they learn to be dicks and target people because they are insecure and can’t face their feelings. I didn’t go to that school, but I am quite familiar with the Black Sheep School of Introverts and Creative Muther Fuckers Who Don’t Follow the Rules.

And… I should add some photos… but it’s getting late. Meow.

I get it now


Forgiveness is not an easy chore to undertake, nor is it for the weak. I forgive you, God, for leaving me out here to figure out all of this on my own. Yet forgiveness is the daily minimum requirement for a healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful life.I forgive my mind for believing that what was is what always has to be.

~Iyanla Vanzant
{photo by kysondana}


Before you can live a part of you has to die.

~Iyanla Vanzant
{photo by kazuend}

In love with dark things

I haven’t written any of my own thoughts down in months. It’s such a strange feeling. I have this ache inside to write, but then I’m a little afraid of what will come out. I guess I don’t have to talk about everything. It’s good what I’ve ben through as far as working at a normal job and stuff, but it’s also exhausting and just sort of…. I don’t know.

I’ve been really interested in reading stories about middle earth and castles and dark things. I’ve never remotely been a fantasy/sci-fi reader, but I just feel this wanting to climb into another world and stay there for hours. I want the world to be dangerous and beautiful and filled with some kind of magic. I guess I’m longing for that here. I wish that magic really existed, like with all my heart the ways kids believe in such things.

I wish there were spells and creatures and magic. This part of me wants to believe in them so bad, like I just don’t want to let go of the wonder. And I won’t. Even if my daily life is very ordinary and routine. That’s what it feels like lately. It’s actually this comfort I haven’t experienced in years of working and getting up and being somewhere every day. It reminds me of elementary school for some reason.

Like you behave and you do your work and you question a little, but not too much. It sounds dreary, but it actually has been quite nice for a break. I think what is missing, though, is some kind of magic. I don’t really believe in things like I used to, like I don’t have big dreams so much these days the way I used to. It seems like before my big dreams were this guiding force in my life. This “someday” magic kind of thinking.

It seems like I made a lot of plans for the “someday,” that got twisted or turned or haven’t yet happened. But maybe instead of INSISTING on the plans for “someday,” I need to let go of it all. I know we all do this, the trying to control the world and our destiny, and it is so scary and simple to realize you can’t control much of anything.

Someone was saying the other night that as soon as you are born and the umbilical cord is cut, that’s it. You are at the mercy of this world. Yet it’s up to you to decide how much you want it to get to you because the one thing you can control is YOU. The ONLY thing you can control is you. I may have to wake up every day with obligations that require I can no longer live under a rock, but I can free myself by letting go of needing to change anything or needing anything to be different. This is so maddingly hard and yet simple.

It’s the big question: Can you let go of wanting to change anything or have things be different? I feel like if there is any magic, it’s in letting go of the picture I had for my life. That it was supposed to turn out a certain way. That you are supposed to be doing that thing you haven’t found yet. That anything other than what it is “supposed” to be is a failure.

If I can do that then maybe something else can grow, something I never expected in a thousand years. A grand surprise on a scale never been seen before, like leaping from a cliff because it might just carry you home.

All myself or any of us wants is love. There’s many forms of love: a sense of acceptance, a moment of joy, warmth, relief… and a sense that nothing needs to change. You can love even in the dark. You can love dark moments and dark words and dark thoughts. This is a part of you I’ve never known before. The love and darkness as one.

I’ve never ever been interested in dark, creepy things before. I’m purely curious. I just want to explore.


I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

~Pablo Neruda

A guy just walked into Starbucks in his pajamas.

It is 8:35 a.m., so I am not awake, but I really want to post something. I’m sitting at Starbucks, it’s raining. I don’t know how anyone manages to think any coherent thoughts in the morning. I see sheets of rain. The sky is gray. There are melting piles of snow. It’s freezing in here.

I miss having (or feeling) a connection to something bigger than myself. I don’t even care if that bigger thing is just in my imagination. I guess all that is required of me is to practice it. Practice feeling connected to nature and everything that is invisible.

I don’t want to sound like a weirdo, but I’ve been really happy lately. I love living a few miles from my parents. I love living next to the mountains. I love having money to pay my bills. I’ve been taking dancing lessons. I’m renting a house with a (very messy) roommate, but the house has a beautiful view. I’m slogging through each day, sometimes, but I’m so much more in the world than I was before.

When you’re not in the world, you shrink. Your comfort zone expands to the walls of your house. You forget what it’s like to be more engaged with other people. You forget how hard other people work and what that feels like. You forget (or never knew) what a fuller life feels like. It’s easier to connect with others when you’re already doing it on a daily basis anyway. I’m not saying I like it, and I dream of being alone all day, but it’s not as a bad as I thought it would be.

I don’t want to talk about this because I think suicide breeds more suicides, but someone in my small town committed suicide. I guess so far no one knows why. I can’t imagine the amount of pain that might have led to it. Having the courage to live means that you don’t just live for you, but you live for everyone, and you live because it’s your only option. You live because you’re not willing to represent suicide as the path you’ve been led on. You’re not willing to spread those germs. I don’t know how, but I wish more people could spread courage. The courage to live in spite of whatever obstacles hit you.

A guy just walked into Starbucks in his pajamas. That is all for now.


Finding light

I’m starting to feel fall sink in. Darker nights.

There’s this sadness. I’m trying to find what’s behind it.

All I can come up with is an insatiable desire to create that feels so much bigger than me. It feels like all I want to do is create and make something’s from nothing.

It’s so strong and it awakens me in the night. I want to create pretty art. I want to think and dream up new worlds. It’s a desire to create and find the beauty and love behind the sadness.

starry tree


“The sky grew darker, painted blue on blue, one stroke at a time, into deeper and deeper shades of night.”

― Haruki Murakami
Photos by Jennifer Coffey

Keep looking for reasons no matter how you feel… eventually it will pay off

Idea: If you want help to live, find someone who inspires you.

Even if you are not into football (or Michigan), I freaking love Michigan’s coach Jim Harbaugh because he’s so freaking weird. And because he has built this team of guys who feel like winners and respect themselves and each other.

He does things that are unusual but effective (and yes, he might have Aspergers — my dad’s theory), but he is one of my hero’s. He inspires me and makes me want to be better and more present in my life. I find him authentic, driven, and weird, which I love.

I’d never want to work with him in any way (cause he’s intense and crazy), but I love that I can be inspired by crazy. 




Drugs for depression/anxiety that I’ve heard about recently: Ketamine and Ecstasy (believe it or not)

I need to get to bed, but I wanted to post something else. Things are better at my job, as far as being freaked out by all the changes. I’m getting up, going to work, and it’s OK. Some days are better than others, but some days I’m really freaking happy.

And I have no idea why, but I’m watching football. I freaking love college football. I’ve never really gotten into it before and it’s like this whole world of entertainment. And I’m saying yes to more things that I would have NEVER said yes to (because I can take 1/2 of a Xanax if I need to — although I haven’t taken it since the CEO and friends tour).

This morning on the radio there was an interview on NPR about a drug called ketamine, which is too hard core for me. But it was a really interesting interview and it made me think of this blog and people who’ve emailed me in the past. So many of us need help and we don’t know where to turn. Sometimes it just feels good to have your feelings validated.

The guy in the NPR interview, Paul, is 36, and has had constant thoughts of suicide because of his extreme anxiety (puts my situation into perspective — AND he lives in San Diego). He has tried everything. Every drug. Every type of therapy. You get to hear his voice in the interview. He is real.

Then the interview talks about how he tried ketamine, even though it’s not yet FDA approved, because his psychiatrist decided patients like him NEEDED to try this stuff. I related a bit to what this guy Paul says in how it feels to find relief (I had that in my Xanax experience recently where I felt no anxiety).

He also talks about how depression is not only mentally painful, but also physically painful. I could TOTALLY relate to that too. It was comforting to hear.

This is a quote from NPR’s website.

For Paul, the benefits of ketamine became obvious soon after one of his early injections.

“I remember I was in my bathroom and I literally fell to my knees crying because I had no anxiety, I had no depression,” he says.

For the past year, Paul has been getting ketamine every four to six weeks. He feels an altered sense of reality for an hour or two after getting the drug. The effect on depression and anxiety, though, lasts more than a month.

Ketamine doesn’t always work that well, After treating more than 100 patients, [the doctor is] beginning to understand the drug’s limitations. You can read/listen if you want to know more.

Anyway, I just wanted to post that because I think that we can forgot — completely — what it feels like to be well. This drug is being considered something that could be life saving for major depression. I do think that antidepressants also work (the doctor in the interview feels they are more of a placebo) — I think they are working for me. But everyone is different.

There was also an article in Marie Claire this month and on NPR about the drug Ecstasy (called MDMA) being used in therapy settings for people with post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s cool to see mental health being covered in such innovative ways. I mean there are enough of us who could use the help and information (I mean, hello, like EVERYONE).

Here’s an excerpt from the NPR interview about using MDMA in depression:

And about six months into therapy, I take the medicine from my doctor, and within about an hour, I had a lot of imagery come up for me — some people do. And the first place I saw was this maze. It looked like a maze that I had been to as a kid, and I remember thinking very clearly, “All right, here we go” — and went in. And, yes, there was so much trauma. I had never remembered these terrible, terrible things.

And before MDMA, I really did think it was my fault. I mean, I felt it in my bones that something was so wrong with me, that I deserved those things. And being on the MDMA was the first time I’d ever felt compassion for myself, realizing that I was a child, I had no choice. I had no choice.

On what life is like for Brenda now

Brenda: It’s like I’ve been living life with the mute button on. You know, before the MDMA study, I could see what was happening in the world, and I could kind of make my own conclusions, based on the fact that I couldn’t really hear what was happening. And that was because the noise in my head was too loud.

But now, life is good. Spending 35-plus years suicidal was something I don’t wish on anyone, and after six months in that study, I am not suicidal. I want to live.’

I love this. I am putting this in here in case it helps someone.

The Xanax Post

After being terrified to go on a tour with the higher ups in my company (like the CEO), I made a discovery. I have anxiety. Like big, shitball anxiety. And I need professional help. I get claustrophobic, I want total control over situations.

I forgot that once upon a time, I did things like sat in a classroom ALL DAY, did field trips, rode a bus every day, spent hour around people, did things I didn’t want to do, and was OK.

Sometime after becoming an adult I slowly made my world smaller. I cocooned into more of what was comfortable, but I forgot all that I used to know how to do. I used to do LOTS of things.

I flew on an airplane alone when I was ten. I traveled around Europe with a girl I barely knew (who became my best friend) in college. Those things have felt virtually impossible the last couple years.

Going on a tour with the CEO and friends also felt impossible. I was so worried about having a panic attack in front of them. It’s like some part of me wants to expose that I am actually a phony, that I am incompetent and not good enough. So I’m afraid I might panic when I’m put in situations that bring those feelings up.

I HAD to go on the tour, or basically consider quitting my job. I’ve also been told they might want me to travel and talk to more CEOs in other states. To which I thought “I guess I’ll wait and quit then.” All of this caused me so much anxiety I did something I haven’t done before.

I took half a Xanax. I’ve had it since 2011, but only took 1/2 a pill one time while in bed. This time IT WAS AMAZING. I can’t believe that stuff is legal.

I took it last night while at my boyfriend’s parents house first to see how I’d feel on it. I did it totally as an experiment. It was the most relaxed I’ve ever been around them. I made conversation, was loud and funny, and even said a social faux pas to my boyfriend’s step dad about a particular football player. This actually turned the night into a very silly event with some great conversations.

I WASN’T WORRYING about anything. Instead of stopping myself from doing or saying things, I let them out. It felt so freeing. I didn’t realize how much I worry. It is CRAZY! I didn’t care if I was late to get to bed. I was fine turning the car around to get something we forgot. I was just in the present moment. With NO anxiety.

I got into bed and fell asleep, still in this bliss. Then I woke up and it kind of felt like I’d been punched in the gut. The emotions in the pit of my stomach were back — kind of a dull ache. It was like coming down from a high or something. I didn’t realize how much that dull ache is my normal.

The reason I did the experiment was because today was the tour with the CEO and friends. So I loaded up my car to drive to the tour site and decided I should definitely take a Xanax for it. I was really glad I did. Otherwise, I would have been a wreck trying to hold myself together.

But it’s like I forgot. I forgot what it’s like to feel normal –– without feeling overwhelmed by the world. I forgot what it’s like to not be anxious all the time. I forgot what it’s like to just learn something, enjoy the day, and have lunch with people (what a concept). I felt NO overwhelm. It was astounding. I didn’t realize that this is probably how many people feel every day. I honestly can’t believe it. It was like spending the day in someone else’s body.

This stuff would have been a game changer on trips I’ve taken over the years, hesitation to go on airplane rides to visit family, and so much more… I just never wanted to take it. I never thought I needed something like it. Instead, it has opened my eyes. It has helped.

Taking a deep breath… it makes me realize why I’ve felt again like, “oh I should just kill myself” when I start feeling hopeless because this is a HEAVY emotional load. Lots of other people don’t have that or even understand it. They don’t live with that. They feel anxious, and let it go. When I feel anxious I blow it up. And it feeds on itself and gets bigger.  I wonder if maybe that is how I felt when I was a kid. Just able to cope with whatever was put in front of me. I didn’t have a choice back then. There wasn’t an exit strategy other than my bedroom.

You can get used to anything. I know this. If I had to go on a tour with the CEO and friends every day I would get used to it and comfortable with it. But right now everything is new and hard. I’m not able to spend my day at coffee shops or lying in bed.

As I drove away from the tour , about six hours had passed and the Xanax was soon to wear off. I was still feeling amazing and baffled that I had spent that much time around people and I could easily have done another tour. I had NO FEAR. No overwhelm. No exhaustion (by the way, this is just my personal experience — I’ve heard Xanax can make you tired AND it can be addictive).

As I drove I noticed my emotional center — my stomach — start to wake up again. I felt a little sad. Honestly, it was like coming off a major drug. I felt more sad and cried and then felt OK again. This stuff is hard core.

So here’s the thing with Xanax. Because it helped me so profoundly, I probably needed it. I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t tried it. The right thing to do with it is use it occasionally to learn how to cope with new situations. To gain confidence and get through difficult or scary situations.


I wrote this a few weeks ago. I haven’t had a Xanax since, but I used how it felt to help me feel more confident in social situations — and it has helped remembering how I felt on it. I’m also taking a slightly higher dose of another SSRI drug (the generic for Celexa, which is $4 at Walmart). I’m totally OK with doing this because I realize now that having extreme anxiety and feeling depressed isn’t normal or healthy.

I would encourage anyone to try things out and be open. You never know what can help. You never know what is out there. You never know…. don’t give up.

Hold the Stars

I’m so freaking worried, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m having a hard time sleeping, which means I am a zombie during the day. At my new job.

I know worrying doesn’t help anything, but my mind won’t shut up. I’m having doubts that I can do the job. It’s hard. I wish I didn’t have to work. I don’t know why anyone in their right mind would choose to work. Like I know there are people out there who work even though they don’t have to. WHY?

I am perfectly capable of creating tons of shit to do to stay busy. But I would be staying busy at the homeless shelter. Ugh. I need to stop thinking about the fucking homeless shelter. That’s another worry — that I’m going to end up there because I’m not going to be able to hold a job.

Can you see how ridiculous this is? I don’t mean to post something negative. I just have to get back into caring for myself better. Like, I need to be reading something inspiring, or listen to inspiring things every week. I need to be able to give myself a chance to accomplish things.

-Right now is the only time we have.
-I can’t control anything outside of myself (so stop trying!)
-I am OK just the way I am.
-These thoughts will pass. They don’t mean anything is wrong.

I’ve heard that the ultimate fear is death, and if you can let go of that one, you are free.


Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face.

– Nelson DeMille

This is a Test to See How I Do in Real Life

I started a new job this week. I feel excited, nervous, lucky… Part of me is doubting myself and wondering, “Can I really do this?” Another part of me just wants to fast forward NOW to four months from now when I’ll be more comfortable. Because I HATE being uncomfortable. I am so uncomfortable and out of my zone. Even though I’m qualified and a natural match, I’m still so freaking freaked out. This is how much I don’t like change.

I have really struggled financially for years. If I can do a good job with this, I won’t have to struggle anymore. If you’ve ever not had money, how it works is you start weeding away the things you want to do or buy because you can’t do them. This includes hobbies, fun things, good food, and just having choices in general. Money doesn’t necessarily buy happiness, but it does buy choices.

Money + being settled in one place = two things that have alluded me.

Can I be settled for awhile? I move every few years… usually when I get sad or bored I pick up and move… and then I get distracted by starting over. I want so much to be okay living in one place (hey, maybe with a 2nd house on a lake someday?!). The constant going and going just creates this disconnect. You make friends, you get close to people, you get comfortable, you leave.

I kind of know what I’m running from. It’s loneliness and desperation to find what I want in life and not knowing how. I feel like I just have to calm down, love what I have in life… and be positive or something. I REALLY DON’T KNOW. I’m not sure how to get out of the loneliness loop. The unraveling might not look how I expect.

Here is what I hope:
I can write more in this blog.
I can learn something new every day.
I can sit with the discomfort and be okay.

Travel is good, but I also love to be home.20815846776_84ced4ee1c_b

I want a place to call home and a home and people I love.

Sometimes life seems uncomfortable, and that’s actually when life starts.

~M.H. Rakib

Photo by Alex Darkside

No Ending


“The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die.

But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives.

That’s the only lasting thing you can create.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
Photo by Tom (and blog title)

You’re OK No Matter What Happens (or Doesn’t Happen)

These are my personal reasons for today:

    • I have a job interview next week (what is this my 20th interview?)
    • My family, while they may not be perfect, we are made up of the same DNA that really makes up everyone. We are ALL family.
    • My headphones that shut out the world when I need it.
    • Wearing flip flops.
    • Sun flowers in the summer.
    • A warm latte or tea.
    • Being under the covers listening to crickets or a thunderstorm.
    • Cool weather in the middle of summer.
    • Remembering what it was like to be a kid and look up at the blue sky.
    • Marshmallows and bonfires.
    • Finding unlikely heroes in history, like this guy who pretty much prevented the end of the world.
    • A quiet day where nothing extraordinary happens, but everything is fine.
    • Realizing that things can and do turn around even in the most difficult circumstances.
    • Even when things are messed up you can still find the beauty and humor.
    • Knowing that things don’t need to be perfect or even peaceful for me to be OK.
    • Knowing that meaning and purpose can be found anywhere, even in prison where I read about a woman who is getting out of prison and became married to her pen pal while she was inside. 


“And it’s funny how when somebody saves you, the first thing you want to do is save other people. All other people. Everybody.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
Photo by Tom

Everything Has a Season


“When you can look a thing dead in the eye, acknowledge that it exists, call it exactly what it is, and decide what role it will take in your life then, my Beloved, you have taken the first step toward your freedom.”


“Release and detach from every person, every circumstance, every condition, and every situation that no longer serves a divine purpose in your life. All things have a season, and all seasons must come to an end. Choose a new season, filled with purposeful thoughts and activities.”


“Even though there is a part of me holding on to the belief that I am now, have always been, and will always be unworthy, I am still willing to love and accept myself.”


“I now know that nothing in my life will change until I change the way I see my life and myself.”

~ All quotes by Iyanla Vanzant (I think she may be my all time favorite self-help author)
Photos by Tom

Forgive yourself

I just got back from a really great trip to Michigan to visit family. It’s good, but kind of hard to come home. It’s nice when you can escape reality for a while. We ate a shitload of food, drank wine every night, went to an art fair, lakes, and watched slides my aunt dug up from the 1960s.

I’m not sure how much longer my grandparents will be in their house so it was good to see them. It’s the one house that has been constant in my life — I’ve been going there since I was a kid.

I was very worried about the plane rides, as I haven’t flown much in the past few years and get claustrophobic and anxious. But I did OK. I can’t tell you how much I WISH I didn’t have anxiety, but I do. I tell myself that I’m not alone, but sometimes it feels like I would like myself better if I wasn’t anxious.

I guess you can like yourself no matter what “stuff” you have, because everyone has their stuff. This has been such a battle for me. Maybe that is the purpose of my life, just to learn how to love the pieces and parts I carry.

On the trip I mentioned above I started doing something where whenever I felt anxious I would think and picture the things I love instead to try and refocus. And really feel the love as if it’s right here with me now. It was so calming and nice to visualize peaceful, loving images.

Like my cat… any fuzzy baby animal… places where I’ve lived…. a huge swimming pool with turquoise water… flower pots… an old cottage…. neighborhoods where I’ve gone running…. my favorite time of day (dusk)… people who just naturally make me feel comfortable and loved… writing dialogue and how good it feels to put a scene together…. dancing in a room of people… painting a piece of furniture…

Do you remember that scene at the end of Neverending Story? It’s the last scene of the movie where the empress tells Bastian that the only thing left in the entire world is one grain of sand. The only way for the world to be rebuilt is for him to make wishes. With each wish he makes the world will be reborn.

Maybe that’s how we can think of love.

Each time we choose to think of love instead of hate we are rebuilding our world inside ourselves.

I found it is actually fun to think of these things. I haven’t deliberately thought of tried to vision anything in ages. It’s like closing your eyes and just picturing a place or image or person. You can actually see stuff in your mind. And then you see another and another thing you love. It’s surprising.


Be willing to hear the unpleasant. Be willing to face the uncomfortable. Surrender the belief that you cannot deal with confrontation, rejection, or abandonment by forgiving yourself.

~Iyanla Vanzant

Photo by Jan Michniak

Push and Pull

I haven’t posted too much because I’m taking a break from thinking too much (Ha.. yep). Things are good. They’re not spectacular but they’re solid good. Or solid up and down. Or solid miserable. It just depends when you ask.

I would say solid good 45-55% of the time, up and down 45% and solid miserable 8%. I have not idea what that adds up to.

I still have a sort-of-job. It’s part-time, so it isn’t really meeting any of my goals, but it’s something for the resume.

I don’t really miss California, other than my friends who are irreplaceable. And occasionally the lifestyle/cool shit there.

When I go to bed at night and it’s quiet and I can wake up and hike in the mountains I’m happy I’m here. When I drive I’m happy I’m here (WAY easier and less people). When my dad wants to do dinner with me or go golfing I’m happy I’m here. When my mom and I connect and get along I’m happy I’m here.

I recognize the weirdness of getting older and the people around me getting older and that I can’t get out of it. This didn’t hit me until recently–that you have to get older.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel 12 years old inside and I can relate and talk to little kids and feel like one of them, but it’s like I’ve had all this time now being a 12 year old.

It makes me think it would be nice if we could get older and older, but not die so quickly. You would learn and know so much if you had the chance to be 400 years old. If parts of your mind and body could still function in this world (deep thoughts man).

I think right now I’m just super confused about what I’m doing with my life and my time. I’m sort of just floating around, not here or there. I still don’t know if I want kids. I don’t know when or who I’m going to marry. The thing is I feel like I’m supposed to know this by now.

And I truly do not know.

And I have to believe it’ll be OK no matter what. If I get to be 45 and don’t have kids and then decide I want one, there are millions of children in this world who need to be loved. At some point I will know if this is what I want or not.

I feel like I’ve had a long period of time where I’ve experienced the richness (for lack of better words) of life. I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of colors and sounds and pieces. It’s probably a lot less than many people, but for some reason having that behind me is comforting.

I feel less of a pull to get out in the world and want to conquer it. I felt that way in my 20s and early 30s and after college. Like there was this canvass I wanted to jump into and see what happened.

Now I feel more like burrowing into a nest and weathering the storms in a safe place. I feel like I have less to “prove,” if that makes any sense. Before it was like I wanted to prove I was awesome.

Now I guess I can see that you can be awesome anywhere and in any circumstance. You don’t have to show anything for it to be awesome. I admire more the ability to be at peace that I do have a lot to show for it. I admire more restraint (staying away from the things you are addicted to — FB, Internet, alcohol, etc.) than I do tallying up experience after experience that means nothing in the end.

I admire people who do things differently. Who play their own game.

People are icebergs, with loads you can see and loads you can’t.

~David Mitchell, The Bone Clocks
~Photo via Alex Cornell

What to Do About The Pain

For a short time, my ebook, 101 Affirmations for Confidence and Self Love is on sale. If you need help and want to know what has worked for me, this is a compilation of some good ideas.

Saying that, I need to go back and reread it too because I’ve been a little depressed lately. I mean, I’m OK, but sometimes I just don’t understand where The Pain comes from. Just have this pain inside sometimes that lasts for days. Ugh!

And then suddenly it’s gone. Like it was never there. Poof!

I’ll get back to that in a moment but first:

1) I decided to quit the job where I’ve been working because I like to do gansta things like quit a job before I have another one because the place is fucking weird and expects you to come in at the last minute and have no set schedule. Wtf.

2) I’ve been looking into other careers. I’d like to invent the career of a Cat Domesticator. Or be a Unicorn Hunter. OMG, that would be so cool to have a website with weird careers that looks like a real career website, only it’s not. Haha…

3) I’m having one of those days where everyone looks like someone else. It’s starting to trip me out.

Things to tell yourself when you feel The Pain (that awful, gut-wrenching feeling in your body where you feel like you are going to die or should die because you hurt so much inside):

  • This will not last forever.
  • This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me.
  • The pain can stay as long as it wants, but I’m going to do other things.
  • Isn’t it interesting? I can sit with this pain and NOT die.
  • I know I’ll feel at peace again and I’ll wait as long as it takes.
  • I’m willing to face what I need to face. <– like this one


Splash. It’s ON bitches.

Photo by Shellie

What Feels Better? Loving Others or Judging Them?

Lately I’ve been noticing a greater ability to let go of judging others. This has been SO hard in the past. I’ve judged everyone for everything: Why is he being such an asshole? How could she have married him? Can’t she see how stupid she is being?

They say when you judge someone you are actually judging yourself. Those negative thoughts come back and haunt you, not the other person. So when I pull back on judgment and instead just love that person, you know what happens?

I relax. I love myself and others more.

I realize I can’t control anyone else. And everything has their reasons for doing what they do. I can’t go into anyone else’s head and see their reasons. I can’t go into anyone’s head and change them. Things might not always look or seem the way I expect and yet they are perfect.

A friend who I lost touch with recently got married. I remember when she got engaged she seemed upset about it (but I got the impression she didn’t voice this to a lot of people). She wanted to travel and not be held down. I got the feeling at the time that she just wasn’t ready to be married. But she went ahead with it.

Soon after we stopped communicating and the friendship sort of pittered out.

Now that she is married and my first reaction is to judge her. What is she thinking? She’ll be divorced by 35. Doesn’t she realize there are other options?

But what do I know?! I’m not in her head and her heart. How does it help her (or me) to judge so harshly?

Why can’t I decide (since we’ve lost touch anyway) that maybe she got married because she wanted to, because it was the best decision for her, and that she is with the perfect guy and they are  happy together.

That feels so much better than those negative thoughts. It makes me feel real love for her. It makes me forgive the situation of our friendship coming to an end. I also realize that I REALLY WANT to love her. It feels so much better than hating her for no reason.

I can recognize relationships are constantly evolving. Sometimes they’re evolving toward harmony and sometimes toward destruction. You can’t know everything. That is god’s job, not ours.

I just can’t believe how much better it feels to just love and believe she is happy. That makes ME happy. :)

wax flower
I’m so sorry for judging you.
I’m sorry for judging me.
All is well and we are one.

Photo by Howard Mitchell