I’m getting ready to move out of San Diego and it’s really nerve wracking. There are so many unknowns and I pretty much feel like I’m going to die on a daily basis.
I know I’m not really going to die, but the amount of anxiety feels like my life and well-being are in danger. I think this is probably worse than actual death.
Because when you die in real life it only happens once, it’s probably pretty peaceful and fast.
Right now it feels like I’m anticipating dying and being obliterated against my will AT ANY MOMENT WITHOUT WARNING — and that I have no control. There is no enemy I’m running from, no one trying to get me and hurt me, yet it feels like I’m barely holding on and at any moment I might panic.
Phew… just writing this down is helping.
Today I ran an errand and found myself trying to figure out a way to comfort myself.
On the one hand I’ve got this huge bubble of anxiety and it feels like I’m trapped inside. I can focus on that bubble and make it more real, or I can step out of it.
I know there are different parts of me.
So I can stand in this bubble and reach for a part of myself that is stronger. I know it’s in there. It’s an older, wiser, all-knowing part.
I was doing this earlier — feeling the anxiety and then willing myself to connect to a different part of myself —so there is also voice of strength, even when I’m anxious.
It’s amazing, but there really is a part of me if I look hard enough that is strong and stable, like a rock, able, and willing to help.
I spend too much time (right now anyway) relating to that other part — the fearful one that make me feel like I’m going to die — and believing it is true.
It takes some willpower, but I think you can relate to two things at once. You can be fearful and comforting to yourself. You can be scared and loving.
It’s like a parent comforting a child. You’ve got a 4-year-old (your ego basically) and it’s freaking out. I know I’ve explained this before. I’m fully aware that it’s running my life right now.
Yet I can find the adult part and relate it to that scared part. So there is a little piece, or a voice, that interrupts the fear.
They can stand side by side.
It’s a kind, loving, compassionate voice. It feels dusty and out of practice, but that’s okay.
You know, I remember when I dealt with some bad depression and started to get out of it what happened.
I started treating myself differently when I was in the midst of it.
I started being nice to myself, in spite of the way I felt.
I was depressed, but also loving at the exact same time.
That was really the missing piece. I stopped berating myself. I stopped trying to push it away.
I let it be and opened a doorway.
When I was depressed this usually meant gentle kindness through the dark feelings.
But with anxiety, the gentle stuff feels not powerful enough. It’s like I need to express more power. It feels so out of control and scary, unlike depression, which feels dark and desolate.
I know what I need to do!
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but someone told me about the idea of creating a Holy Membership Council to help you in times of need and give you a force for finding reasons to live.
You have to use your imagination, but you can call in anyone you want to come and they will help.
And instead of saying, “god, please help me” and pleading for help, god is already there like a voice in your head, telling you what you need to know.
Even though you’re anxious, you ask for help, knowing you will get it. Instead of relating to that awful feeling, you’re relating to something bigger and all-knowing.
So a council can consist of people you can call upon who you admire who’ve passed away and can assist you any time you’re in need.
You could have Jesus, Buddha, or any Eastern gurus, scientists, writers, inventors, family, or anyone you feel connected to.
You can imagine them all sitting at a table and there to assist you anytime you need it. Yes!
They can give you advice, virtual hugs, support, life…
This is really just a game to tap into a stronger place in yourself, but you have an access point you can get to quickly (and heck, maybe these entities really can step in and help. I don’t see why not).
So my council members are going to be:
- Steve Jobs
- Paramahansa Yogananda, the author of Autobiography of a Yogi.
- Lester Levenson, who created the Release Technique, which is so helpful for learning to tolerate and let go of a wide range of feelings. If you are interested in trying it, email me and I can tell you more.
- My grandma who passed away a few years ago, Marjorie.
- Colonel Sanders, who invented Kentucky Fried Chicken because I think it’s incredible that he failed not only like 1,000 times, but didn’t hit his stride until age 65.
- Lady Godiva, who is in my ancestry, who rode naked through the streets in protest in like the 13th century.
- Robert the Bruce, who is the first kind of Scotland and another ancestor.
I’ll think of a few others. Then maybe I’ll print out their photos and make a collage as a reminder.
We are not alone. We have the support of centuries of human beings.
But I do think you have to ask. If you don’t ask AND expect an answer, nothing will change.
Wow. I feel a million times calmer just writing about this.
And it’s totally okay that I missed a meeting this morning and I’m a zombie from taking sleeping pills last night.
I can still love myself 100%. Every inch of me, including my entire brain and all it’s stories and all the fears.
I know, finally, that if I don’t do this, no one else is going to rescue me. There is no Price Charming. I’m finally willing to accept that. He or it doesn’t not exist.
There is no one that is going to show up on my doorstep and rescue me. I have to make the decision to help myself and then let things fall into place with grace.
I’m not a Christian, but I love some of the principles, like grace.
Grace = Kindness from God. There is nothing we have done, nor can ever do to earn this favor. It is a gift of divine assistance and strength.