It’s weird I have to be honest, I’m doing well. I still have this stupid job that sucks energy out of me, but I’ve made some big strides in life: paying off a shit ton of debt, possibly finding a love interest worth keeping, and sort of feeling like I’ve opened a new page in a book that I didn’t even know existed.
It’s a trip. So many changes are happening right now. I never thought I’d get to be this old. I turn 40 in October. And I know that sounds wrinkly and decrepit, but it’s also completely natural. It’s crazy to realize that everyone on earth goes through this. Getting older, looking back, seeing life from different stages and places. I feel OK. I’m glad I never died. Even if this world is just a hologram. I’m glad I never hurt my family.
I’m glad I never died. Because it would have hurt others beyond my comprehension. It would have been a long hurt that never ended, perhaps into infinity, with broken hearts of everyone I’d ever met all breaking together. I kind of feel like we all will have our time, when it really is time, to die. So why rush it? I almost got hit by a car last week and when I realized how close I’d gotten, I also realized “it’s not my time.”
So much of my life and daily life are monotonous and I don’t even care because I’m alive and I can find things to love, even if it’s just pasta and my cat sometimes, or crawling under the covers.
There’s a stability and a strength that I didn’t have even just a year ago. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s come from getting a lot of help from other people. I did this online class thingy called Calling in the One (for like 4th time in 7 years) and then I’ve been working with a coach once a month and it was all about relating to my pain instead of asking someone else to fix what’s wrong. DUDE, IT HELPED.
I created my own fairy godmother and a forest. I created a place inside my head where I can go and be safe. I created a place to comfort myself when I’m sad.
Then I started to date after a break, and I’m learning how to have emotions like just purely wanting to be with someone because I love them, not because I’m trying to manipulate them or because I feel guilty or am using them.
Total game changer as far as dating goes and that’s been a LONG ASS ROAD. Other things happening:
I got a sweet new kitty, named Leo. I also really, really, really love him. Even though he’s 12 years old and the shelter lied and told me he was 4 (and I believed them).
I freaking love football, and specifically Michigan and I have all these pjs and shirts and hoodies from the M Den in Ann Arbor. I went there and visited last week. It’s such a quirky, cool town.
I love that my roommate is kicking me out (actually I don’t love this) and I’m going to have to live with my mom and crazy step dad for two weeks. That will be fun and annoying as shit.
I love that I am THE outcast at work because of one asshole. Assholes go to this school where they learn to be dicks and target people because they are insecure and can’t face their feelings. I didn’t go to that school, but I am quite familiar with the Black Sheep School of Introverts and Creative Muther Fuckers Who Don’t Follow the Rules.
And… I should add some photos… but it’s getting late. Meow.