Weathering

The company that wrote the let-down email is interviewing me for a job! Tomorrow.

10794786815_6659447a05_bWish me luck, please.

Going to spend some time getting ready…

I love when something good happens completely out of nowhere and for no reason at all. I don’t know if I’ll get it, but it would be a lucky break.

11960701785_35ed444ca9_b

When we stop resisting and let the weather simply flow through us, we can live our lives completely. It’s up to us.

~Pema Chodron

Butterfly and Facebook Fan Page

OK I made a FB fan page (like 2 years ago) for this site…

And then in perfect fashion, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

I’m sorry. It might have helped me (and you) to have it up.

Now it’s published! Woo. Maybe you can Like it?

www.facebook.com/reasonstolivenow

12890912454_39c3d4cf58_b

Walk slowly with a steady pace,

care for nothing much,

watch what is at your feet,

project little into the future,

and suddenly you begin to live.

~Stuart Wilde

10,000 ways that don’t work

I’M RIGHT HERE IN CASE ANYONE WANTS TO FUCKING HIRE ME.

That’ll get me a job, right-eo?

The alternative?

Dearest company:

You can keep working with people who are mediocre. You can keep working with those who frustrate you, and having too much work, and needing to outsource… and wondering what in the world to do with that enormous budget…

You can keep writing your own marketing emails (or use that writer who describes details that no one cares about and is 700 times too wordy and which readers keep deleting before reaching the second line).

No one cares about your breakfast table! No one wants to hear fluffy-hey-isn’t-this-interesting!? descriptions! No one cares.

NO ONE CARES!

It’s ALL about me, me, me the reader. Yeah, remember me? I’m that person who buys your products.

I’m kind of important.

I live in quiet desperation and I’m seeking that (product, course, help) that’ll make it better…

And this is what I get?! Letdown email?

Yes, dearest company, you’ve ignored me (Lindsay) multiple times; every time I contact you. And I’m not going to spend 2+ hours following the instructions on your website to apply for a job that I applied for in 2012 that you ignored for me back then. And especially when the job has been listed for 4 months. Really?! You can’t find a writer in 4 months?

WHY AR YOU WASTING SO MANY PEOPLE’S TIME? It’s just mean.

I’d like for you to come begging to hire me and me to be too darn busy. Oh sorry… I was busy writing emails about what pieces of Captain Crunch look like when you regurgitate them. AND I’M SELLING THEM BECAUSE THE WRITING IS DECENT.

There is nothing worse than wanting to like an email — and have it be all good and juicy — and being let the fuck down.

I could have really used the serotonin shot and inspiration. Why else would I subscribe?

I don’t know if this company thinks their emails are awesome? And I’m not saying what I write would be. But it would D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y be better.

I guess I need to take this energy and send out more emails to prospects. I’m kind of sputtering right now. I’ve contacted 25 or so people, which I know, is nothing. And yet I’m whining. I’m whining because this — this right here — is what I want to write, rather than a boring form letter: “I do this and I’ve done that and blah, blah, pass the Cheetos, blah.”

I gotta give myself a break.

Love myself or beat myself up?

Love. Love.

I guess this is what being a freelance writer is and I haven’t really prospected before.

It’s being rejected on a daily basis. It’s sending out emails and not hearing back. It’s dealing with all kinds of people. And taking none of it personally….

The writers who I know who make 6 figures have likely been emotionally cut open and had their insides scraped out and replaced and re-replaced, and yet they fight.

Do I know how to fight?

….

… .s.s.ellleiennjjnnakdkdkd.

I don’t know how.

Things I am willing to do:

  • Fight with the legs and arms of stuffed animals.
  • That doesn’t make any sense. I just wanted to say stuffed animals because fight is such a harsh word.
  • Make fun of myself and have fun.
  • Decide I can do this even if it isn’t fun.
  • Email prospects even if I’m not “feeling it.”
  • Let go of this story that fighting is bad.
  • Decide that I won’t be the victim.
  • Send love to each prospect.

All this needing-work thing means is the door is wide open for something new and wonderful.

Plus, just because I feel bad doesn’t mean anything is actually wrong. It’s just a feeling; it’s not the truth.

Said company above has my resume. Personally delivered by a mutual friend. And I LOVE this company, but their emails, they could use some tweaking. They’ve been painful to read lately.

Like physically painful. Being let down by bad email is heart breaking. Especially by a company that has great products.

I don’t know…

I have not failed.
I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

― Thomas Edison

Yep…

13701744615_cf62f0accc_b

Blood moon

Things to do today:

    • Get dressed and look nice (just because).
    • Email people to find work (and write as if each contact is a new friend).
    • Approve of myself.
    • Pick a health insurance plan = DONE.
    • Email my resume to a hot lead.
    • Send short emails to at least 3 other leads.
    • Do some homework from the class I’m taking.
    • Look at moon photos (oh hell yes! I saw the blood moon last night; it was cool)
    • Eat and breathe.

13878946903_11de2dc28a_b

There is some good in this world,
and it’s worth fighting for.”

~J.R.R. Tolkien

Life is but a dream

https://www.flickr.com/photos/restlessglobetrotter/3325862580/in/photolist-64TV5h-vGBry-7Q8d7y-acLRYA-d9GzUf-4cb2c1-65nz87-7yHb6K-jj7Bd4-4aAQxP-7WjSn8-9x7vh4-8wyPhF-5GqASs-8wBWKU-eb6Bep-58RtUr-6GzZzN-6KdEzo-eRtavs-7jkEk-73q47a-BvatE-5EPWFe-68htKu-jxTNYG-9zPNTn-6CXJ3-e7yd3U-8yv5mW-eRgJHr-eRgT3D-gNPbQd-22zQuY-4dNEUL-284ST3-ewvc15-kYH23A-6HTDWe-dqhTcR-aJP8LH-6V95Si-8Ln8RR-cYKJAW-6ZB7fC-dWMfoN-5BNeyC-cT5RAY-6wVnkV-6zU3YQ

There is nothing in the universe that can harm us,
but our acceptance of the thoughts that we can be harmed.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/charlottemorrall/3900101834/in/photolist-6WD3p5-fDXf89-egGLso-9H9v3X-8LoQNS-5LBLv4-dUviHN-5Qe5Kn-bCMvve-8PdsjB-bBuy5Q-4RicKt-e1CLe2-9pjqa6-dX7YQo-pNha4-53Z8LX-fLXJBm-8Nm989-AJo8-34oepQ-8KTEBQ-64TV5h-vGBry-7Q8d7y-acLRYA-4cb2c1-65nz87-jj7Bd4-7WjSn8-9x7vh4-8wyPhF-5GqASs-8wBWKU-eb6Bep-6KdEzo-eRtavs-7jkEk-73q47a-BvatE-5EPWFe-jxTNYG-9zPNTn-6Wd4Gd-tjKAr-fstppP-d9GzUf-7yHb6K-4aAQxP-58RtUr

What make the difference in the power of a thought?
The amount of resolve,
determination,
or willpower
that you put behind the thought.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/snowpeak/12120742346/in/photolist-jt4Yqj-9Y8Dxf-aVhz5n-7yd4A4-fBy18e-bzHLe1-5bMSL4-38dbMT-kUChw-5X2D29-iVvY69-h919e3-hnp9qk-6WZSp3-8CPFwq-iqx6M3-8xWZxS-cU5V1Q-bjv574-dLK6q6-eRh2DX-buhbjP-5NBj93-9H6FrD-98wgNj-aQS5mv-cBsG65-dAAhhn-8wZwHe-bjKt1x-dMR9FC-2GPXJG-fNY1mm-dVogGn-bqybQM-dMvkyr-dLy3oC-dMnKkW-3tGa2s-5pvNG4-62Uf2C-dmq8M4-bQ2QMc-7V2KkD-j6gpDL-6ejAe6-kcvzBt-dNbbvH-9TMNa5-gpxVd7

When you see your oneness, when you see your real self,
you see this entire universe
as a dream in your mind,
just as in a dream at night.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/34053291@N05/4482738948/in/photolist-7Q8d7y-acLRYA-d9GzUf-4cb2c1-65nz87-7yHb6K-jj7Bd4-4aAQxP-7WjSn8-9x7vh4-8wyPhF-5GqASs-8wBWKU-eb6Bep-58RtUr-6GzZzN-6KdEzo-eRtavs-7jkEk-73q47a-BvatE-5EPWFe-68htKu-jxTNYG-9zPNTn-6CXJ3-e7yd3U-8yv5mW-ejV2jD-eRgJHr-eRgT3D-inSps-7mpajS-gNPbQd-22zQuY-4dNEUL-284ST3-ewvc15-4EHpnA-kYH23A-dxCpcc-6HTDWe-dqhTcR-aJP8LH-6V95Si-8Ln8RR-cYKJAW-6ZB7fC-dWMfoN-5BNeyC

If you die with an intense desire to stay with something here,
you stay with it.

~Lester Levenson

Everyone has a secret world

This morning I woke up at 7 am writing something in my head…

This was before I was awake. I saw the first three lines. I remember the topic.

I almost got up and fired up my laptop, but ended up staying in bed and doing the usual things: making tea, reading the news, getting dressed, relaxing.

I know why I didn’t jump right in and start writing.

I don’t like this topic.

It’s not a fun one; It’s responsibility.

I’m not even sure if I fully believe it, but I’ve read many times and am learning:

  • a) you create everything (EVERYTHING) you are experiencing and
  • b) since you create everything you can take some responsibility and own it

I really do hate this concept… maybe hate is a strong word… It’s just that I’ve (and we’ve) created so many things we don’t like. I don’t actually want to be responsible and take credit for it. Unless I like it.

But the things we don’t like… and especially the things we really don’t like… they have an electric charge — they are pulled toward us like a magnet.

Think that’s not true? Let’s take the following things, which I very much dislike:

  • Not having money
  • Crying.
  • Being alone.
  • Being around people.
  • Being depressed or anxious
  • Not knowing what to do.
  • Not knowing how to change.
  • Being bothered.
  • Being frustrated.
  • Etc.

If you’re thinking in terms of responsibility and owning up to it, I’m responsible for it (and no one else…ugh):

My financial situation. I haven’t tried very hard to make it anything else, so I guess I have caused it. Bleh.

Crying. Thinking that crying helps any situation is actually kind of funny. The only thing crying does is makes us believe it’s something we need to do, but crying in and of itself is a waste of time. Indulging in crying is indulging in pain. Crying doesn’t actually release the feeling; letting go of the feeling  is a choice. Am I done yet? Yet? How about now? Yes. Oh that was a good cry…. my ass…

Being alone. It feels safer and I can relax, and then I get lonely and wish people were around and then they come around and bug the shit out of me. People or no people, it’s the same; peace and safety come from within. People can’t give you peace; you give it to you. Isolation on a mountain top can’t give you peace either. I’ve been around tons of people, like an noisy restaurants and have felt totally at peace. It’s a mindset.

Maybe getting depressed or anxious is something I’ve chosen? Maybe once upon a time, it was an expression of pain. I thought I didn’t have the energy or capability or genes to get out of it, but I — and we all — have 100% capacity to do and achieve anything. I mean LOOK AT THE WORLD. Someone invented electricity and airplanes and we have satellites that go beyond the planets and have found the possibility of water in space, yet I am so messed up I have to be depressed? Again… it’s kind of funny. I really don’t have to be that way. I can have moments, but they aren’t forever.

Not knowing what to do. My mind — everyone’s minds — don’t have ANY answers. They are empty file cabinets. Usually the answer comes in a flash, in a moment’s time. It comes from something higher.

Not knowing how to change. Again, my mind doesn’t know! I don’t know! But I can take responsibility by using my will to choose. I have a will. I willed myself out of bed today. I am willing myself to write (or read) these words. This is a choice. I can make choices in any way I want. No one ever knows what I am thinking so I can think whatever I want, no matter how positive or crazy.

Owning up to this…  it’s a little scary. And then I’m angry all over again.

The anger is so deep and strong. Again, it’s really energizing. Just being one with it, allowing it to be there. It’s a caffeine shot.

Here’s what I will own up to:

I dislike pain (wrote about that previously), which has brought me enormous pain. So I guess I’ve caused my pain… waved the pain wand.

I have disliked myself (working on this), which has caused me to disown myself and be fearful of expressing what I really think. Yes, I’m writing this in this blog, but NO ONE knows about this blog. I don’t tell my family, friends, no one really.

Maybe taking responsibility is being OK with these things. OK with disliking pain and being OK with disliking myself sometimes. Maybe it’s doing that and then applying love. Loving it up.

Maybe it’s like when you did something wrong in school and then you confessed. Yes, I ate the crayons. Yes, I stole the lunch money. Yes, I used swear words. I’m sorry. I forgive it. I forgive me.

You take responsibility and then it goes free…

I realize…

Depression has protected me and kept me from growing as a person, taking chances, and being all I can be, and I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF ANYWAY.

I’m scared to grow up and be responsible and look at my life without blaming others, and I love and approve of myself anyway.

Being anxious and nervous is not always pretty, but I can feel these things, be neurotic, and love and approve of myself anyway.

I dislike pain and yet have inflicted it upon myself, and I love and approve of myself anyway.

I don’t always like myself and have struggled with confidence, and I love and approve of myself anyway.

I am not outgoing and I am not always friendly and smiley, but I love and approve of myself anyway.

I’m terrified to really put myself out there, but I love and approve of myself anyway.

These feelings can be terrifying, but they do not define me.

It’s pretty silly to worry about what other people think, when I CAN NEVER KNOW.

Putting myself down isn’t helping, and I’m the one who is doing it.

I do not have to be defined by a past that never was….

A friend was saying this to me yesterday:

The past does not exist. You’ve defined yourself by these stories, but they don’t exist. All that exists is what you choose to do right now. You don’t have to return to these same stories; your mind is not in charge. You can live in situations that bring you pain or give it up and take back control.

Then she said:

Say yes to anything that is preventing you from feeling at peace. Say yes to the resistance; say yes to the fear and worries and the SHIT.

The more you say yes, the more you are free.

If you keep saying no — no more being sad, no more being anxious, no more being alone, NO MORE OF THIS SHIT — YOU’RE DRAWING MORE OF IT TO YOU. IT’S LIKE OPPOSITE DAY IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL…

You say no and you get a picture in your mind. No, I don’t want this. No, I don’t like that.

Your mind is just a computer. It records everything. It doesn’t discern. So, you say no, and your computer hears it and creates it.

No is anything you don’t like, can’t stand, wish was different, bothers you.

No more being sad; I want to get better = two opposing forces. There’s (no) more sad AND I am better, but these can’t exist side by side.

So how do you shut off a program on a computer? What do you have to do?

You Say YES.

Do you want to switch this off?

Oh hell yes. And you GO THERE.

You say yes. Yes! And then you love yourself through it. There’s no reason to hate a computer program; it’s really nothing.

You say yes to the grief, and yes to the sadness, and yes to the anger, and yes to the misery, and yes to failing and being hopeless.. You stop pushing it away and allow it to be there, and apply love… I love you.

Whatever thought you have:

I am pathetic. I love you.

I will always be sad. I love you.

I can’t get better. I love you.

I don’t have it in me. I love you.

This is never ending. I love you.

I should just end it all. I love you.

No one would miss me. I love you.

Every thought, every feeling, you just love the shit out if it, because it isn’t REAL. It’s stories in YOUR HEAD. After awhile it’s comical (in the right moment, honestly).

Then it’s sad, and it’s hard to let go, and then sometimes it’s easy.

Feelings, for me anyway, feel so big and overwhelming. It helps to have support. People who can help you, people you can talk to…

But the biggee is what you do in secret, behind closed doors.

Are you sneaking off to hurt yourself? Are you being loving? Remember you don’t have to KNOW HOW. You just have to be open and allow and give up the fight and resistance.

And no one, and I MEAN NO ONE, knows what you or I do behind closed doors…

Everyone has a secret world. It’s how they treat themselves.

Do you punish yourself in that world — torture, hanging, stabbing? You can do all of that. You ARE doing all of that. Or do you love yourself? Forgiving, letting go, giving it up, loving?

  • Which do you like better?
  • Which feels better?

You give yourself approval for being brave and strong.

And you give yourself approval just because. For shits and giggles.

You give yourself approval because you brushed your teeth this morning.

You give yourself approval because you have fingers and toes.

You give yourself approval because it’s night.

You give yourself approval because someone is eating pizza right now.

You do it (you love) just to do it. Because when you scrape off all the other stuff, love is all that remains. So it is the only thing that is real.

Then you love your wandering thoughts, your neurosis, you love the things that bother you. You love them with all the force of the universe. You love them will all your might, even if you FEEL NOTHING, do it anyway. Your mind is listening and recording this new, strange information.

Oh, so and so is being loving. That is interesting (actually the mind doesn’t judge or discern). Oh, look there’s some more love. Love, let’s do that again.

And then oh my god, there is some love. Something unexplainable happens.

And then when it goes bad again. It’s just the trash pile…. it’s always there! Your job, and your only  job, is to be OK even if it’s there. That will bring you peace.

I know I’m simplifying, but you bring it up and drop the unloving thoughts. They are the only things separating from peace. You drop the feeling/thought like you drop a pen.

“Oh that’s my ego again. Silly thing. It’s like a wandering puppy picking up trash (thoughts and feeling). I’m going to love myself through it.”

It’s just my ego?! It’s just a computer that lives inside of me, programed to do what it does.

Can you believe that people decide to kill themselves because of a thing as silly as their ego?! = a garbage-eating-dog. Dude…

That is such a fucking cop out. I’m sorry but that is a cop out for not taking responsibility. You’re more scared of taking responsibility than staying alive! You haven’t exercising your will for anything other than oh this sucks for so long you can’t remember what it’s like to pick and choose.

Time to go do something active — life up your arm, scratch your head, go buy a candy bar, do jumping jacks — and exercise your will, consciously.

Who is doing it? You are.

Would you blame someone else because you couldn’t go to the store and buy a candy bar.

Oh man, I want to buy that candy bar but I just can’t. I don’t have it in me. I mean, the bar, it just wouldn’t let me. It’s bigger than me. I can’t pick it up. I won’t. I have to stand outside and not have it. Never have it. I don’t even know if I really want it. I’m no good for it. I can win. I’ll stay outside.

Kinda ridiculous put that way.

Otherwise, would you rather be afraid and beat yourself up? and do the no-way-out routine?

When this entire time the universe has loved and supported you. It always loves and supports you. It plays no favorites. This is actually a fact that we all know deep down. It just gets covered up in stories.

You came from love and have always been loved.

The ego (hungry garbage puppy) is just trying to help and protect you, but it keeps you in the same cycle, day after day, year after year. It takes you down.

Yet that energy that takes you down is actually the catalyst that heals you. The ego is just trying to help. It’s your annoying grandma-aunt-mother-father-brother who keeps bugging the living shit out of you, but they means well.

Love the fear, love the frustration, love the want, love the lack.

Love the puppy and love that trash.

  • The parts of yourself you hate – can you let go of that hating? Just right now?
  • Can you be OK not knowing who you are?
  • Can you stop defining yourself by a past that never was?
  • Can you give up the entire story just for ONE SECOND?

I’m going to actually try this. Maybe for 1-5 seconds.

  • Can you give up the second story, the one about being ashamed about the first story?
  • Can you give up the fight, that you must be right?

Yes. Yes. yes. Yes.

  • Can you open up and love the resistance?
  • Can you love it with your whole might?
  • Can you love it even if you might explode?
  • Can you love it even if you die?
  • Can you allow yourself to die just using your mind, right now?

That does feel better…

The mind is a  joke. It tells you you’ll DIE if you don’t listen to it, but it’s lying.

So you stop listening and surrender and everything turns out better than you could have imagined. This is what I’m talking about.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/27483745@N03/6330129156/in/photolist-aDnyRS-7k8cuW-7BUCGG-5Kr6fx-e1uL49-iuLyn-aVHi4c-db6b8-CQFsj-8VKGLz-5x2KQd-aH7PZp-q6YLF-aqGM5k-47KJRm-4SGdRa-dwChrs-fFwsYV-9cGGgj-5qQ97G-7q1whR-ikRBMj-bQDcbZ-k65NhH-i1GQ5K-ibfy2s-cVMPmQ-8Zx98E-5J1kab-5TSUDc-4dzQFf-ixGby7-dy5T8q-dxZpJg-dwwLFR-6GH9rc-dCwK9o-7JaSy-9Xuijr-a7EsFt-9cGGRG-bdtvv6-bdtvcn-sRHzr-9YaaPk-e7tiqk-bdoheM-7SGV7Y-9A8jcf-8M7n5V

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody — no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds… Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.”

~Neil Gaiman

The Pity Party vs. The Victim Showdown

…And I’m going to force myself to be positive for a few minutes.

The last couple days I have been off… in a bad mood… irritated by everything… irritated by myself.

Of course there are always moments when things seem better. Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster. Up then down. Down then up.

I have a friend staying with me right now and today we were hanging out in the garage. It was actually kind of fun. He was sitting in a lawn chair and I was on a yoga mat and we were talking about things and doing the release technique work.

But with this mood — my ego which feels like ME — I couldn’t let of or being irritated.

I kept beating myself up… I’d pick a topic and put myself down.

And then I am reminded of 1) the pity party and 2) the victim showdown

The Pity Party

The pity party says:

  • Things will never get better;
  • Things got better once, but it didn’t last;
  • I can’t remember what better feels like;
  • I’ve tried every-fucking-thing and it still sucks;
  • I need to feel sorry for me to exist;
  • If I don’t feel sorry then I don’t know what to do.

If I don’t feel sorry…

  • I would have to take responsibility;
  • I would have to actually admit I like feeling sorry for myself;
  • I would have to admit I’m really ashamed of these feelings;
  • Like, really, desperately ashamed;
  • I have to face the mirror of being powerful;
  • I don’t honestly know what to do if I’m not being sorry.

The Victim Showdown

This one goes like this:

  • My situation is never going to get better;
  • I have to live with it;
  • I have to be right;
  • You might be OK, but I’m not;
  • I don’t want to hear about your problem — in fact it makes me cringe;
  • Because when I hear about your situation mine isn’t that bad (or mine is worse and I get to win, but win what?! The I’m Fucked Award? Oh that sounds lovely);
  • It shows me this showdown is really a hoedown. It’s just a habit.

The showdown happens like once every 3-4 days. You could actually set a timer by it.

When it blows up there is:

  • crying for no reason;
  • wishing a rescuer would come;
  • wall staring;
  • and deep, thick, gritty anger at myself.

Which puts these two stories into working hand in hand. THEY ARE DEFINITELY NOT HELPING ANY. It’s just so hard to love myself consistently. Or at all sometimes. Or maybe I just think it’s hard and it’s actually really, stupidly EASY.

What I can do is just love whatever is coming up in this moment.

  • I can blow some love at the resistance.
  • Love a little of the fear.
  • Give a little approval at the deep anger.
  • Love a little of me. I can love one patch of skin.

The anger keeps coming up and then dissolving into sadness.

IT’S SO HARD TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP.

BUT IT’S NOT HELPING IN ME IN ANY WAY.

In fact I am 100% sure that beating myself up isn’t helping me at all.

The only thing it helps is my ego — which doesn’t want to be tamed and isn’t the real me.

I know the ego isn’t real. I won’t take it withe me when I die. It’s like a mask worn to stay safe and stuck; those things that are making the colors of the world less bright. I’m tired of living in black and white.

I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know how to be positive. I don’t know how to change. And if I ask my mind, it DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING!

So again, I’m just going to give these things up. I’m going to stop fighting. I’m going to just allow someone else to handle it. Give it up and surrender. Here ya go; have fun.

No one is going to kick me if I’m positive. No one is going to make fun of me if I’m positive. No one is going to shoot me if I surrender. And if all the mean thoughts in my head insist on doing those things I’m not going to just observe. Laugh at them, maybe.

Sometimes it’s hard to allow yourself to get better. You sort of want to prove to yourself and everyone you know that you REALLY are fucked up. SEE I HAVE PROOF!

Who does that help?!

Why do you want to have proof that you can never get better, that you’ll always fall and not stand up? I mean that isn’t helping you! It just hurts over and over and over and over…. it scrapes the insides out of you, and after awhile you cry and no one else is there. No one wants to listen anymore. No one comes over to make it better. It’s just you and silence and the mirror.

I’m really scared to be a happy person. Even a happier person just a little. Sure, days go by when things are good. But when something strikes inside, pulling myself out…

I’m learning how to work with this. It takes a few tries or a lifetime of tries.

It’s a willingness to stand up to the enemy: yourself.

I’m seeing more and more that me punishing me effects no one else but ME.

  • Me beating myself effects no one but me;
  • Me hating myself effects no one but me.

But me loving myself and me being kind to myself actually spills out…

It touches other people.

So I have to decide if that is OK. I always think it’s better to hide out. Being sad and putting up a 5 ton wall.

I know there is this mindset operating that is terrified to be happy — or even just at peace — consistently. I’m afraid if I’m happy…

  • ?

Actually I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid if I’m happy I’ll be stupid. Or fake. Or ? But that’s not true.

You’re either on the road and getting better, or you’re diverting toward the darkness. I think the darkness is pretty predictable at this point. We pretty much know what is going to happen if I follow the darkness.

Happiness and that road of allowing and goodness — it’s honestly unfamiliar — at least in the long-term.

Like I know it’s “out there somewhere” and I hear about people on it. It’s like hearing about people backpacking in Europe. Far out. I’ve been on it too, but resisting getting back on because I promised myself I wouldn’t get on it unless I had certain things.

Yeah I’ll be happy — just as soon as I have _____ and _____ and ______ and _______ (infinite).

I guess I really have to stop being so fucking smart and allow things to be other than I think they are.

And there is nothing wrong with slipping off that road now and then. There is nothing wrong with being sad. I just don’t want to indulge in it.

I would like to choose that other road, the one that carries good and allowing with it. I think it’s a choice, day by day, hour by hour.

I mean, if I keep choosing the other way the only thing that really happens is

I get to be right.

Is it really that important to me to be right?! Am I so afraid of being found out that I have to cover myself in darkness just to be right? IT’S JUST MY EGO THAT WANTS TO BE RIGHT; AND IT’S WRONG!

My ego can go and fuck itself. I can be on the allowing side and happy road… even if I don’t have _______ or if I haven’t achieved _____. The only prerequisite is choice.

That’s why lots of people are happy and experience contentment even if they are stupid. They’re actually a lot smarter than me. They’re just not proud.

I’m kind of proud of just how sad and down and out I can be. I’m so good at it. I don’t know if I’m as good at anything else. Maybe sympathizing with down and out people?

I didn’t realize before how much pride there can be in 1) insisting there is a problem, 2) insisting it can’t be fixed, 3) sticking to that story no matter what.

Because if “the problem” can be unhinged and fixed where does that leave me?

  • I was wrong;
  • Whoops (beating myself up)

Can you let go of…

  • beating yourself up;
  • being so proud of being sad;
  • have things out of reach;
  • hanging on;
  • wanted to be rescued;
  • eating away your insides;
  • being stubborn and right;
  • thinking happiness is weakness;
  • judging you.

Might as well do it. You’ve got nothing better to do.

Rejection + failure

2037657521_f431b34950_b

The only truly safe thing

you can do

is to try

over and over again.

To go for it, to get rejected, to repeat, to strive, to wish.

Without rejection there is no frontier, there is no passion,

and there is no magic

~James Altucher

…How much rejection can I get in work and in life? Let’s go for it. Let’s go all the way.

Let’s send out writing samples even if they are terrible.

Look for clients who are way outside possibility.

Do idiotic things.

Be one of those naive people who I make fun of deep in my mind…

And then later envy because that person has it ALL.

Look funny; say weird things; be awkward

Ohh the possibilities are endless.

Access code

I’ve had this backwards relationship with pain for so long:

Avoid pain at any cost.

Limit discomfort; stay comfortable

Run from any painful situation.

Ignore pain in the body.

If you ignore it, it will go away.

Pain = bad.

I don’t like pain or discomfort of ANY kind.

So the crazy part is I’ve spent YEARS being in pretty severe pain, both emotionally and even body pain.

And the even crazier part is I’ve inflicted pain to myself. I’ve self-harmed, which is REALLY PAINFUL.

So here I am not wanting any pain, and yet experiencing it to a higher degree than normal!

I’ve wanted to control the pain. I’ve hated it.

Now I’m realizing that people who have the most pain are the ones who push it away the most.

You’d think that by pushing away uncomfortable feelings, it’ll get better. Who doesn’t want to feel something that isn’t good?

This sort of works — but all you’re doing is suppressing what is naturally supposed to come out — suppress it long enough and you start to believe you are out of control with it. Nothing can stop it.

Pain and painful feelings are just energy… not good or bad.. it’s just energy that wants to leave.

They need no label, and really are not even real. They say the only thing real is love and I think this is true.

Because if you dive deep enough into pain, if you get to the very bottom of it, you know what’s there?

Nothing!

Muther fucking nothing!

Then behind the nothing… is often this joyful feeling, this love. It bubbles up right past absolute despair.

And the more feelings you can bring up to leave, the more that want to come up, layer after layer.

The feelings are so ready to leave. They are just energy…

I had no idea… when I started self-harming as a teenager…. that it would hold me back emotionally. I didn’t realize that by not expressing the inner pain in a better way, that I was piling pain on top of pain, creating a pain sandwich.

Actually, more like an entire pain universe, where there is so much pain and grief and sadness that it seems to extend out forever… It feels so real. It promises to annihilate you, so not only is there no relief but only MORE pain.

It feels so real I can almost feel the edges of it…

Then there are very few choices left. Live life with pain. Decide to die. Hmm?

This is such utter bull shit.

It’s a joke.

I’m serious. It’s just the ego — the mind– playing reindeer games. It’s playing tricks on you! It’s not the real you or the real anyone. It’s not even real.

It’s just a story in your head. Literally planted there to bother you.

And you’re the one who planted it.

So what happens is you have two choices:

You can love yourself.

Or you can beat yourself up to smithereens.

You make a conscious choice made in each moment.

Do you know what a moment is?

A moment is  — Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

It’s the present. No problems exist in the present. In fact everything is perfect Now.

Pain is just a memory…

Emotions are simply memories. Any feeling you have right now is a memory from the past. It doesn’t matter what the feeling… Because in the here and now — right now — there isn’t anything but quiet and peace. In this moment everything is fine. If a problem feels like it is happening you’re either in the past or the future.

I’m seeing this in my life now, over and over.

And whenever I’m in the past or future or having feelings come up, I’m more about allowing them to come or go.

Not always. :) It’s a work in progress… but the more I allow up… it’s like a tissue box. You let one go, another comes up.

This DOES NOT mean indulging and crying. It actually means choosing to be the boss and the ruler of the world — YOUR WORLD — which is the only place you can control. It means surrendering and opening up and allowing them to leave.

It means surrendering to the grief, anger, whatever and being one with it. Allowing it.

It also means giving the feelings permission to stay. The main thins is sending them love — even the painful ones. Loving them like you you have never loved anything in your life.

And, as I am discovering, THANKING the feeling. It’s just a feeling and it wants to leave.

Imagine if you suppressed “good” feelings like spontaneous laughter.

You want to laugh, you stop it. You want to laugh, you catch yourself and shove it down.

You’d feel like shit, right?

Spontaneous laughter and depression are one in the same. They are both coming up to LEAVE. They’re both just energy. NOT GOOD OR BAD.

When you hang on to energy long enough, disease is created…

Allow the laugh to come out. Allow the sadness to come up. Behind it, I really know this, is this utter feeling of peace.

Another thing — giving yourself approval. If you constantly give yourself approval anything is possible. Just say yes to yourself — to approval — all day and even to the wanting of approval; you’ll start to experience love.

Give yourself approval ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT.

You wake up in the morning.

You ask: Can I give myself approval?

You answer: Yes or No. 

The word “yes” is really powerful; it’s no different from the word love. Start saying YES to everything — all feelings — and no longer label them “good or bad;” they’re just energy. All feelings come up to LEAVE.

You notice thoughts in your head — anytime you’re thinking about the past, the future, what you didn’t do, judging yourself, judging someone else, etc. — this is ALL BEATING YOURSELF UP.

Just ask, “Can I give myself approval?”

Say Yes. (or if the answer is no; can I give myself approval anyway?) Or can I let go of disapproving of myself? Or can I be the boss of my fucking life and say yes?!

I’ve literally gone to bed lately just doing this over and over and over. Asking the question and saying yes, over and over and over. I’ve never slept so good. I’m not getting up at night anymore.

This stuff is pretty interesting. It’s from the release technique place mentioned a few posts ago.

I think I may have mentioned this: behind every feeling is a want or a lacking feeling.

It’s either wanting approval, wanting control, or wanting safety.

When you let go of the want (lack) and allow yourself to HAVE you see it is all inside of you…

The other night I was heading for bed and started feeling bad — I felt all this grief. It’s such a familiar feeling, it’s like a paint color on the wall. You almost don’t notice it.

I sat there with it for a moment and then stepped back.

Grief. This is just something I’ve been towing around with me. I don’t even know why it’s there. Even if I did know, I don’t need to retell the story. That won’t change anything. This grief is just a story — it’s like something in a book or a movie and I’m watching it — and you know what, it’s not real AT ALL.

In that moment I chose to just love it. I sent love to the pain. I no longer have to hate it. Or be angry at it or anything.

I felt it move away. It was a conscious choice. I handed it over to god or whatever you want to call it. You don’t have to carry the load anymore.

It will come back, because feelings are part of the human experience, but you know what, I feel so empowered by the realization that it’s just a story in my head. It’s Cinderella or Rapunzel. it’s MADE UP and I’m making it mean something because I’ve carried it around instead of allowing it to go.

Every time someone self-harms or suppresses, the deep actual pain only gets worse.

Torturing yourself is a choice. It may feel out of your control, but it is in YOUR CONTROL.

To stop.

Why do it? Who are you trying to punish? Are they getting punished, or are YOU?

It is in your control to choose to love yourself or choose to beat yourself up.

Loving yourself — giving yourself approval — can feel extremely unfamiliar. Like you’re walking on Mars at first.

But the alternatives (living with pain, killing yourself, doing bad things to you) are no way to live your life.

So do the approval thing. Say yes. Don’t just try it, do it.

Say yes to pain (it’s just a feeling; it’s not real!!!!), give it some approval and practice giving yourself approval all the time.

Don’t do it for ANYONE ELSE> DO IT FOR YOU!

Or go on the way things are… telling stories, living in the past, limiting pain exposure to feel less pain and feeling it worse…. wtf?

When you carry your pain, you’re exhausted, you’re apathetic, you start to have weird pain in the body. You don’t want to do anything. Then you get some disease or you do things (drugs, alcohol, whatever) to suppress.

The heavy load is not yours to bear and has never been. Give it up to a higher power (call it what you want). Give it up and let your mind get really, really quiet. This is the place where all answers to all problems exist. Everyone has access.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/kimba/165664485/in/photolist-fD5he-4WcLhN-9GHLDU-6vbL7-48DwxW-6B6A5a-gNCgT-7FrMa7-5szojr-5PrLH2-8USnK9-deoP6f-6bnTjn-4YsmFv-y2og-FBkHu-745UAG-9shp1z-9QRJ3-7AZm5M-62ThR2-asYZh7-besswv-59gaKd-7Wwm5b-3LustE-2Vehj-cRT5Lh-7LBgpr-9Vg1bb-9BBtam-5kKubA-iihSdF-3rX8y-7nGTgQ-caQMJf-cbtDRS-bzfBKk-5o2vai-dmbakj-6xp5S5-5mc9MD-cQb7M1-6K1m2R-9Byyng-9ByxSi-9QAhcw-e34axb-9iwmoe-83P9EJ

Why “You Can Go Fuck Yourself” Is a Great Attitude to Take on Today

So, I’m serious…

If you start saying “you can go fuck yourself” to your problems, they will not take you down.

Just try it for today

Depression: you can go FUCK yourself.

Self-pity: you can do the same.

Total annihilation: have a fucking fun day off.

You-can’t-do-this: please fuck off too.

You suck: that’s nice.

Annoying people: here’s the door…

Having no fucking clue what to do: go take a joyride.

Watching everyone else succeed: go fuck yourself

That guy/girl who ignores you: go fuck yourself, and have glorious fun!

Doing something and getting nowhere: Not true.

Trying to get hired: go eat trash.

You’re wasting your time: have a nice day.

Wishing things would change: smack.

Running out of cash: suck it.

Never getting better: more trash for you.

Fighting with yourself: OK, I’m tired of that.

Go fuck yourself with some of that energy of ahhhhhharrgggahh. I’m doing the same.

13573208704_b285f578a5_b

Even though you may want to move forward in your life
you may have one foot on the brakes…
In order to be free, we must learn how to let go.
Release the hurt.
Release the fear.
Refuse to entertain your old pain.
The energy it takes to hang onto the past
is holding you back from a new life…

https://www.flickr.com/photos/melisatg/13565766595/

Courage… is doing something daring, no matter how afraid, insecure, intimidated, alone, unworthy, incapable, ridiculed or whatever other paralyzing emotion you might feel. Courage is taking action…..no matter what.  So you’re afraid?  Be afraid.  Be scared silly to the point you’re trembling and nauseous, but do it anyway.

~Richelle E. Goodrich

Anger is your friend

This morning I had a realization of where depression comes from.

It comes from a source I didn’t expect — Anger.

Turned inward.

I’ve heard this before, but it is true!

Depressed, which is a helpless feeling, actually comes from unexpressed anger — which is a POWERFUL feeling.

A long time ago you got very angry about something you couldn’t control — except you couldn’t express that anger and had to hold it inside.

If you allowed it out — even just a drop — you were scared you might die.

So you wrapped that anger around you like a life raft.

Since this huge mountain of anger has nowhere to go, you shove it into yourself.

You punch yourself in the gut with the anger you can’t express. Since you can’t get it out and must hide it and suppress, it explodes inside of you and looks for any vulnerable place to latch on to.

And then it leads to a deep resentment of YOU.

The more you resent yourself, the less fight you have. The less you can love yourself or anything else.

It’s like a swarm of killer bees coming into your heart and taking it down.

The anger has NO WHERE TO GO so it turns on YOU. You swallow it to survive.

There is no way out and eventually it dissolves into hopelessness. It dissolves into victim hood. It dissolves into “I can’t” and “I won’t” and “there is no use” and “I might as well just die.”

Every time you try to crawl out of it, it’s like you’re walking up a slide. You just fall back down. Hit yourself again.

At this point you’ve forgotten the anger. It’s gone. Buried at the bottom of the ocean.

Now you’re just clawing along… you’re sad. The sadness swallows you up and promises to comfort you.

“Anytime you need it,” the sadness says, “I will be your friend. I will love you even if no one else does.”

Sadness comes as a comforter, appearing to be more gentle and loving than anger.

But it paralyzes you. It sucks out every last piece of energy. Eventually, it is like walking around with a crippled limb.

You just accept it — being crippled — or you fight it a little — but it is engulfing like waves.

The thing about anger is it’s not going to hurt you.

If you allow anger to come up it’s actually an energizing feeling. Sadness sucks energy; anger energizes.

Right now, you can allow anger to come up and out of your heart. You don’t have to know why it’s there or tell the story or see is as proof that you’re a loser.

The anger just wants to be felt. That’s it.

You can bring it up without wanting or needing to do anything with it. It doesn’t mean you have to go punch someone.

The more you can bring it up and just sit with it and allow the less you are destroying yourself.

The  anger just wants some acknowledgment as an authentic emotion you experienced. Like joy, like laughter, anger just wants to come out.

Since you couldn’t express it a long time ago you can bring it up right now and just sit with it. Go have coffee with it.

MAKE A NEW FRIEND.

I can’t tell you how refreshing anger feels. It’s like dumping cold water on your head. It’s like feeling the wind blow through your hair.

It’s awakening. It’s a slow, cold, welcome back to this world feeling.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/48876614@N00/2109887749/in/photolist-4drJ7Z-7egQ2v-7pSNaM-8mUg12-6TTv9z-7YaENJ-bConmb-dbUVVZ-94zgpA-2L9vK5-46mG9K-5KMGvZ-77xum8-77BqvQ-77xueX-5S81fo-77xuqZ-7WL2SB-8w41xL-8SLXDr-beKmht-9nzug2-35b3kn-4yTmeX-fsyEfx-9cTiGD-aZe5Tk-aZe6vD-aazXJv-itZCTR-drqXJr-8YQ9ny-8kHEEP-8fztMG-yUQ2J-yUQQp-yUQNJ-7MUXWG-yUPXG-yUPZK-dM5Xo2-yUQdn-7DubA8-8146aY-9q8zka-5LeaUq-9bkJoJ-cZCAWd-8ae3eN-8aatjM-8adPGb/lightbox/?q=cold+water&l=4

 

If you search for approval outside yourself you’ll always be searching

This is what I’ve learned lately. That when I look to others to show me that I’m OK they let me down.

Hard.

Every time.

Every single time.

When I look to someone else to make it better, I lose.

No one has ever been able to step up to the plate and truly make it OK. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not any boyfriends or lovers.

This definitely doesn’t mean to isolate, but I can see now that I have to be the one who approves of me. I am the one who generates love. Then it pings to other people. They either ping it back or step to the side. Either way, it doesn’t matter what anyone else does. I CREATE THE PING.

I know that when I need someone else to love or approve of me they sense that neediness and they turn away.

Or they do it, but my appetite for love is insatiable. It’s an endless desert. A black hole. An empty pit of nothingness.

It’s a let down every time something changes. It makes it feel like I’ll never have it or I’ll be miserable forever.

I can see now that it’s in my control. I control how much love I give to myself.

This is not done in a closet either.

Seeking help from outside — from groups, from friends, from experts — they help you learn that love comes from within. They help you practice it. You are the one who generates it like a machine. The good news is your built for it!

It might feel like it comes from someone else, but YOU put it there. You say yes and accept it, or no, and you throw it away.

This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you are starving for it. It’s kind of a skill, like learning to use a fork.

It’s that love you’ve always dreamed about. Except it’s not dependent on someone else’s actions. In fact, I’m learning to let other people have their space. I don’t need each person I pass on the street to notice me or nod at me. I don’t even need the person sitting next to me to give an acknowledgment. Big change.

Quick side story:

My friend Dan trimmed down his Facebook list today from about 500 people to 150.

He just decided he doesn’t need all those people on his list that he has lost touch with.

One woman learned of his unfriendedness and wrote him a scathing email.

Dan explained his reasoning — that is wasn’t personal (it’s never personal!).

Now Dan hasn’t talked to this girl since 2o1o — 4 years — and they didn’t date or anything. They were in a mutual group together years ago.

She was STILL very upset.

Dan is kind of a baller so then he threw up a few choice words, and blocked her.

That woman will NEVER get an ounce of approval from anyone else, and especially not from Dan. She’s looking in the wrong places.

If she’s looking for it from FB, that addiction that can never be satisfied. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

Those likes and comments fill up a hole, but the hole is not one you dig into the ground and reach the bottom. It’s a black hole that never ever ends. You fill it with approval from outside and that approval goes in and dissolves and you’re empty again.

If you stop filling that hole you won’t die. That’s your ego lying to you. The mind and your ego are not your friend.

Instead of reaching into a hole, you allow the love that is already you permission to rise.
You get in touch with the person who is actually in charge (YOU, not your mind), you realize can go inside and access that love that was always there. It’s a practice. Like learning to use that fork. Or walking. You don’t just get up and walk without falling down a bunch. But after awhile you start to realize your leg muscles work. Your heart works the same way.If you haven’t used it in awhile it might be sore at first.It might be resistant.You job — your only job — is to practice loving it anyway. Even if you have no idea what you’re doing. Give up the story and allow…

I used to really have no fucking idea (gotta f-bomb this) how to love myself. Like, I might as well be speaking Russian.

It’s a doing, actionable thing that takes practice. Conscious practice. No one gets it 100% because we’re human, so we’re always slipping and then getting back on the slide and then slipping off again. That’s life: constant change.

Give yourself a break. Let go of disapproving of yourself and beating yourself up when you slip off the slide. You can’t stop the slipping, so go with it. You don’t have the answers — no one knows how to love; no one knows how to stop being sad — but you don’t have to own your sadness like it’s a Cadillac.

It’s just a feeling; it’s not you!

If you’ve already decided it defines you, CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Remember, (more bombs):

Fuck this shit; that’s not the real me. I’m not going to push it away because it needs to come out. So I’m going to just love it as it comes out — love the sadness, shame, pathetic, whatever. What great practice when there is eons of shit AND love waiting to come out that I’ve kept locked inside. I’ve been locking it out probably for lifetimes. I’m willing to be brave and let it spill.

I’m not going to fight it. I’m going to LOVE it. It can’t kill me. It really can’t. Sadness is just a feeling; joy is just a feeling. They are EXACTLY the same except we attribute one as good and one as bad. One as pain, one as pleasure. They are still the same. Just ENERGY, and all feelings want to leave.

When you stop tearing yourself down for your progress or lack of progress (and thinking so much), there is a door that opens and you can give it up to god or surrender it to whatever. Let that whatever take over. Daily.

It’s that quiet piece of you. It’s that stillness in your mind — accessible when you give up the fight.

If everything is OK — the good and bad, because there really is no good or bad — and you can let it be, this gives love an opportunity to say Hi!

This is total surrender.

You can love all kinds of things. I’ve been loving the pain in my body — burning sensations, stabbing, choking, crying, you name it. I’ve been diving in and making a DECISION to love it. I’m asking for help when I need it too. Loving the pain with the same love I’d feel for a baby for a little animal in my arms. It’s all the same. I can love it, give it approval, not need someone else to cancel it out for me.

There’s a shift. It feels less scary.

Set out an intention. That you can have the support. That you can open your heart. That you’re safe.

no rain in londontown

All behavior, every act in this world, is based on the desire for love. This desire causes us to seek approval, control, acceptance, attention, power, fame, and fortune. Unfortunately, however, love cannot be gotten this way, and we become frustrated and unhappy. Only by (being) loving can we find love and be happy. If you want to help the world, help yourself. Only then may you do so. You cannot show others unless you know yourself. That which we give out to the world we receive in return—it is the law of compensation.

~Lester Levenson

Untitled

DON’T LEAD A DOUBLE LIFE. Everything you do takes up space in your brain. If you live a double life (and you know what I mean if I’m talking to you), then that extra life takes up neurons and synapses working overtime. The brain can’t handle it. It starts to degrade instead of grow.

~James Altucher, Choose Yourself

applying love

yuletide at the north sea
If I’m going to continue posting on this blog there has to be a purpose for it.

There has to be an incentive, something bigger. I’m no longer in a place of waking up every morning needing to look for a reason to live. I’ve just found other things have come up to work on (believe me, there is always something).

You lift yourself out of depression and then it returns. Then you lift out of it and it comes back to play again. It’s sort of a sword fight with those Star Wars lightsabers. Except the enemy on the dark side appears to be you.

It’s not you, I can promise you that. It’s just your mind, your thoughts, and your ego.

None of those things are actually real or you.

You know who you really are in those moments when you feel infinite. Sometimes they are rare; sometimes you have them more often.

Also your mind and ego can’t kill you. Trust me. As you’re reading this, close your eyes and try to kill yourself just using your mind and thoughts. YOU CAN’T DO IT. So either something in your mind and ego is lying to you and pushing you in the wrong direction, or… maybe you’re something more than those things.

I think the truth is that you’re already perfect. It’s just that living here as a human being we’ve got masks on that prevent us from seeing the perfection. It’s for our growth. Otherwise, if you knew you were perfect and everything was fine nobody would do anything. No one would invent anything new. We’d all forget to eat. We wouldn’t exist in this form any more.

Kinda deep. I just got back from this retreat so that’s my excuse. Any helping stuff you can do for yourself do it 10-fold. No, do it 1,000,000,00,0000,000 fold. Get on a new track by getting around people who are also doing the same thing.

Set an intention: I have support; I have love; I am on the right path and the world is supporting me.

Decide this is how it’s going to be. You won’t take anything else!

No matter what.

Get dead serious.

And F everything else that tells you any different.

F it, F  it, and F it again!

Don’t do it for anyone else. Do it for YOU>

Or keep suffering…

Last night I was bawling my eyes out. And then I was remembering this intention that I set in January (among others) and that it’s true!

I didn’t stop crying. I cried because the feeling were coming up. I dove into them. I dove through the feeling to the other side and back.

I loved them the way I would love a baby or a pet.

I’ve been learning that feelings are just energy. They might feel bad, but they’re actually not good or bad. They just ARE. They are just energy wanting to leave. When you suppress feelings for months or years or lifetimes, it’s a lot you’re holding in.

So don’t be hard on yourself when it’s painful. Each piece of pain you let up, you’re actually letting it out FOREVER. It’s just that there’s a fucking lot of feelings and pain! I don’t know if you can ever get rid of them all, but you can love them. Each time you dive in and choose love, it’s like taking a tissue out of a box. There’s still a lot more tissues, but you’re letting a layer go.

This seriously, I think, might be one of the best ways I’ve found to cope.

Let yourself have the feeling, love it, and be OK if it goes or stays without beating yourself up or trying to figure it out. Doing this all from a conscious choice brings you back power.

And doing it over and over and over. This is what I’ve been learning lately from these people: http://www.releasetechnique.com/

It’s not for everyone, but man, this stuff has been good for me.

And hopefully it continues to be good… because I haven’t made a dime this month. Like $0 for the month.

After working on wanting love and not having it and wanting it more and disapproving of it and of me… and then approving of the wanting and loving the wanting…and me… now I need to work on money and financial stuff. My thoughts and feelings around money. Yuck. Haha… I guess it needs some work.

I went on a retreat with that place mentioned above. The first 5 days I worked on the concept that love and approval doesn’t come from other people. It comes from me only. I give it to myself. It took hours and hours or work to feel it is true, and there’s much more to go.

One night at the retreat I woke up feeling really unsafe around 3 am, like I might die.

It felt like I was being choked and stabbed at the same time.

I know consciously it’s just my ego and that it can’t kill me, but it was fucking scary.

I decided, instead of suppressing it, to just let it come up and dive into it. I sat with it as long as I could take it, sort of dove in and made it bigger and bigger, and then it stopped expanding and got smaller, if that makes any sense. It gave it approval to be there or not be there. I gave love to myself anyway.

It was still kinda there, but I was able to fall back asleep.

The next morning was our last day. I went into the main meeting area and noticed the feeling creeping up again. I felt so anxious I wanted to run and hide, but I also knew I had a long day ahead — a 3-hour shuttle ride, and airplane ride, and many things I can’t control.

So I decided in that moment to bring up the stabbing/choking feeling again — deliberately — and this time I decided to see how far I could go. I felt more safe in spite of the fact I was choking and I staged a little death with myself. I went into the bathroom and decided to just let myself cough and see what else was there. I was giving myself a lot of love and approval doing this.

*this is graphic and kinda gross* but I threw up a couple times. Except instead of feeling out of control and like I was dying in this terrible way, I choose to love the feelings. I felt as much love as I could as it came out — seriously. It was like going to the edge and seeing I’m always safe and loved. Even someday when I die I’ll still be safe and loved.

And now I can be safe even more while I live, hopefully. And I can love even more, even the terrible stuff and sensations that are part of being human. They’re really just stories made up in my mind/ego. They’re the trenches of every day life. You can be at peace even if everything around you is in chaos in this way.

I don’t know if this helps anyone, but it’s where I’m at. This is a JOURNEY.

No one gets better and lives happily ever after. You just learn to live differently, make differently choices, see things in new ways, allow more to come to you.

xoxoxo
A bit of winter

P.S., This book, Choose Yourself, is also very good. Totally worth the 99 cents. Buy it!

I’ve had a nagging feeling for awhile that I should do something more with this site.

My question to you is:

Would you read an ebook if I had one on here to download? Like a reasons to live book? Something that might compile the whole she-bang of posts into a readable book? I feel sometimes like I have a whole lot to say and give, but I’m not sure how to give it.

Yay or nay?

Yay?

Untitled

I detach myself from preconceived outcomes and trust that all is well. Being myself allows the wholeness of my unique magnificience to draw me in those directions most beneficial to me and to all others. This is really the only thing I have to do. And within that framework, everything that is truly mine comes into my life effortlessly, in the most magical and unexpected ways imaginable, demonstrating every day the power and love of who I truly am.

~Anita Moorjani, Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing

The mid-point

I have to vouch that I LOVED taking a teleseminar on the Release Technique a few weeks ago. There are two teachers of this method, Larry Crane (releasetechnique.com) and Hale Dwoskin (sedona method). It might look hooky from the onset, but this stuff WORKS. As soon as you start releasing negative emotions your mind is clearer and you realize EMOTIONS ARE NOT YOU. IT IS JUST ENERGY coming up to leave.

When you can let all the sh*t go, even just for a moment, it is wonderfully breathtaking to breathe in your real self. It has brought me hope. The courses are really simple and I have no affiliation (other than I can tell you that Dan is making like 10g’s a month thanks to using the technique). I’m not kidding.

I almost feel like these types of courses are better than college. Filling your life with tools (investing in yourself) is essential to thrive in this world. Because when you feel good about yourself and your life more opportunities come. You don’t even have to look for them!

I also really LOVE the book (or CD as I listened to it in the car), Dying to Be Me, about a woman’s near death experience. After listening to it, I felt no fear. It wasn’t that I wanted to run off and die either. I felt more alive and at peace RIGHT NOW. I think the greatest quote in that book is:

“Our feelings about ourselves are the most important barometer for determining the condition of our lives.”

So, it’s not trying to be happy and positive, but simply giving yourself some LOVE AND APPROVAL. I’m been trying to approval of everything I do lately. I’m approving of how I walk, stand, move, look, and trying to let go of any lack or want. The course has taught me you can’t want and have at the same time–they are two opposing energies.

The author talks about how many times she forced herself to seem positive and happy, while inside she felt like she was dying (and later she did almost die from cancer). When she decided to love and honor herself (and others), that was when things started to change.

She talks about the inter-connectivity of everyone, kind of like a giant quilt or tapestry that is constantly being built. You, as a living person, are a piece, or fabric. Every single person and thing you encounter (even eye contact with a stranger on the street) changes that quilt and the color and shape. It makes you realize you are important. You just have to stop, get out of your story (woe is me, life sucks, whatever) and be willing to admit YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SH*T (haha), and you’re open and willing to allow something different into your life.

I know this time of year is difficult for a lot of people, but you can get through it and learn something new. If you’re going to be alive — and hello, you are alive — do something to make life better. For you and anyone.

Image the reality (I believe) that life is not what you think it is. In fact, imagine that it would blow your mind if you knew the truth. I keep hearing it and I’m starting to feel it that there is something beyond what our eyes can see. Start to get to know this and feel this truth, and suddenly the madness starts to feel lighter.

I have to say that Dan, who is making his 10g’s a month is giving away 10% every month to charity (he has a whole system built around a Dan Kennedy program). He was telling me about giving a waitress a $75 tip for a $20 meal (how cool is that?!) and how he carries a wad of cash in a part of his wallet that is designated only to give to others.

How about that idea for the holidays? It’s cool to talk to him because he has no fear regarding money. He doesn’t even see it as money anymore! He sees it as an energy form. I really think that everything is just energy.

il_570xN.371120280_dta1

I saw that everything, all paths I had been following, all steps I had taken, were leading back to a single point — namely, to the mid-point. It became increasingly plain to me that the mandala is the center. It is the exponent of all paths. It is the path to the center, to individuation. I knew that in finding the mandala as an expression of the self I had attained what was for me the ultimate.

– C. G. Jung

Winter Time

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.

-Iyanla_Vanzant

Doing this course is helpful. Highly recommended. It’s what we’re all looking for.

I’ve started to try and heal something that is very scary for me: my feelings related to my dad.

I sat down with him and had a conversation. A lot of my feelings related to depression are related to him. I decided to tell him how it felt growing up and not feeling wanted, and how worthless that has made me feel. I did not regard his feelings at all — a first for me. I just told him how it has been for me. I got tough and I upset him.

But it’s good.

A friend texted me and said, “Most of the things that had the biggest effect on my long-term growth were miserable at the time.”

I’ve also been off Facebook (no access to my account) for two weeks, and no plans to go back.
I’ve stopped reading any blogs that cause me feelings of self-loathing. Cold turkey.

I don’t have a lot to give right now.

And then I got out of the house

And out of my head. Surprisingly found two career-focused friends at a coffee shop who’ve happily let me sit with them and work. This is what I want to be doing; not nursing a relationship with a guy who is so different from me that to support him I realize what I should have done now:

  • Encourage him to buy a plane ticket NOW for his overseas adventures. He is scared, on some level, of jumping and doing it, and yet it’s what is in his heart and soul.
  • He wants a partner to challenge him, and that would be my challenge. Don’t stay here a moment longer.

He and I both know why I don’t want to travel: because my life feels like a vacation, I have nothing to escape from. I like my life. I don’t want to run. I make my own hours, I barely work half the time, and yet as free spirited as I am I crave structure and security. Why would I want to leave what is working for me?

There is no other lifestyle I’d rather have. The feeling of freedom from working for myself is absolutely the best thing ever. For me it’s better than traveling for a few months and then coming home. If I wasn’t a writer and wasn’t sure about my career, I’d totally be on board to go anywhere and do anything.

I don’t understand people who get stuck and don’t do things they dream about. I mean it’s one thing if you have responsibilities (like kids who need you at home), but another if it’s finances holding you back. There is money out there. You can put a trip on a credit card and bank it in the experience of your life.  People go to college and spend 30 years paying back debt for that experience. A trip around the world is WAY LESS than college and when you’re done and satisfied it won’t tug at your heart anymore.