Things are SO much better. I feel like I’ve come out of the dark stuff.
I know myself a little better. I know what matters. I’m not fighting so hard against life. I’ve done a lot more of the Release Technique and it has been the big thing that has made the difference.
I feel like I used to feel when I was younger — like I want to travel and explore and learn and experience the world a bit more.
The other day I was getting on the train to go to work and it hit me that I’d only had two hours of sleep and suddenly the anxiety hit. When I’m tired I get anxious and it is awful. My heart started to pound like I was going to have a panic attack. I grabbed my bag to get off the train and it started moving.
I was trapped. I quickly turned something helpful on to listen to. And I started having the thought that I can be tired without being anxious. Those don’t have to go hand in hand.
Not only that, I can be tired and have a wonderful day. Maybe I can even get two hours of sleep and not be tired. After all being tired is a just a story in my head. Every thought and feeling I have is just a product of my mind.
So I started letting myself feel tired without feeling anxious and unsafe. I let myself be tired without needing to change it. I realized I can be tired and really uncomfortable and yet perfectly OK. That is a breakthrough.
I can be exhausted and yet OK. I can get no sleep and be out in public and not die (or feel like I’m going to die).
I quickly was able to calm down on the train. I don’t think I’ve ever been that tired and not felt insanely anxious at the same time, wanting and needing to change it.
Suddenly I felt like I could get on an airplane and go anywhere. Do anything. I love being home, but I felt like my world was expanding. It has felt shrunken for a long time. It at times has felt like just a few rooms. Now it feels like the entire world and this is gorgeous.
That day I worked an entire day, including my lunch, and then went to yoga and then went to my boyfriend’s house and out to dinner. On two hours of sleep. Seriously historic. I was giddy at being able to do this. I never in a million years thought it was possible.
Sometimes incredible shifts can be made with the right knowledge.
“Stars are the scars of the universe.”
― Ricky Maye
I’m not sure what happened, but I feel happier and more content these days. Daily life is kinda fun. I’m hurrying less to get to the next moment. Even if I’m doing something stupid or if I’m waiting for something, I’m enjoying it. Everything feels sort of exhilarating and good.
I even have a job and I’m OK with it. I’m sort of excited about it. I might even have an actual career at some point if I’m not careful.
But I’ll always be a wanderer at heart. I’ll never let myself get buried for years in a job I hate. I’d rather live in my car and go camping.
Things get better if you let them. Life definitely doesn’t turn out the way you think it will, but maybe those surprises and keeping expectations low at times is what sweetens it up.