Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I did it! I published a new book on Kindle using my pen name. That was super hard and fun. I’ll put a link to it as soon as it is live.
That only took me like 7 years… haha.
Today let’s do those things we’ve been putting off for no good reason. I know everyone’s time is limited, but I think you can make time for what is really important.
YOU are really important.
So make time to improve yourself and do things that will help you become stronger.
-Give yourself lots of love and approval.
-If you don’t know how to love and approve of yourself, think of something you do love unconditionally.
-Think about how much you love that person or thing and feel it
-Just do that and you’ll be loving yourself more!
-Try doing one thing you’ve been putting off (mine was going to the bank and depositing a check I’ve been carrying around)
-Do one that that aims you in the direction you want (this can take a minute or two — maybe it’s just making a list)
It’s incredibly energizing to do the things we procrastinate –> and yes this advice is coming from a master procrastinator.Even though you might at first think THIS IS GOING TO SUCK and not be fun, getting stuff done is actually really freeing.
It frees up your mind and energy.
P.S., I just found out my BFF from college is pregnant. I am so excited! But in my own morbid way it makes me think of this movie scene from Space Balls.
You are good enough because:
1. There is more right than wrong with you.
2. You have the same capacity as every other human being.
3. Your worth is inside yourself.
4. Everything that is happening is perfect for you.
5. You have the strength to accept what is happening right now.
So I’m working on an ebook for this site. It’s almost done. Just a short one. I’ve got a good pen name and I’m pretty excited to put some more book material together.
I want to publish a bunch of books that I can link to on this site, so the pen name allows me to be as honest as I want. There is nothing that excites me more than writing books.
The craziest thing about this book is that I’m writing about how to use affirmations and going WAY BACK into some deep unconscious stuff.
I never realized before that I am afraid to be happy.
Like it doesn’t feel safe. Happiness feels like a sham. It feels like if I allow it to burst out of me that someone will steal it away.
There is is something scary and ugly behind this fear… like it’s a really sad, hopeless feeling related to how I feel about happiness.
-Like that it’s not possible for a sustained period, or that it’s unsafe.
-That it’s better to stay unhappy and have less to lose.
-It’s not OK to be happy with things as they are.
-You can be punished for being happy (wft?)
-You don’t deserve to be happy.
This is kind of a what-the-fuck moment (so f-words must be spoken here). And then the next thought:
It’s just automatic thoughts from the past. Things I decided when I was a kid and didn’t have the ability to think for myself.
Now I am older. I can decide how I want to feel. I can put this conflict to rest. I can choose what I want to carry around.
The choice is instantaneous, but the work takes time. It is true, though, that this stuff starts with awareness.
Stop shoving shit down your throat and thinking you can bury it. What you bury will come up to bother you until you can look it in the face.
THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. Just look shit in the face.
Be brave enough to feel it.
Say, “hey, yes, I see you.”
Hold it in your hand. It’s just a belief. It might feel like the dark night of the soul, but no bigger than a grain of sand.
Allow it to go. Allow it to leave your body, like you would a roaring laugh.
You can actually feel stuff come up and go if you let it.
One author here says this about fear of happiness:
The easiest thing to do is to create a series of inner and outer barriers. Stop happiness cold in it’s tracks before it can play it’s familiar game: Joy followed by pain.
So, over time, you close yourself off to opportunities which shrinks your world and your life down to a much more easily controlled series of predictable events.
Geez… if I really am living this way… it’s not acceptable.
I want to be the best version of myself I can be.
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start.
This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift.
All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds.
And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that.
You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― quote by Charles Bukowski
Last night I did the (almost) full moon lift ride at Sundance Resort. It was AMAZING! Prettiest ski resort I’ve ever seen with ambiance, a cute bar, rustic perfection. Plus glowing fairy dust…
Last night I had a dream about the concept of the world as a game.
It was a pretty profound dream because it reminded me that this world is kind of a joke (read a post about this). If we can see it that way we become more powerful.
Instead of believing everything we see and fear as a fact, this world is akin to a board game. It’s not huge and terrifying; it’s a illusion.
Like what if it really was a game and the goal of the game was to face your fears and realize they are NOTHING?
In the dream I had to find a group of four people to pair up with. It was really fun at first and there was a huge group of people. But at one point a girl was taken away from all of us — she was eliminated — and at that point I realized it was game.
It was announced that the winner of the game would be the last person eliminated. They would win a large amount of money.
We had to pair up again, but this time everyone was nervous. There were zombie-like people participating and it got creepy. This scary looking man approached me and I started screaming.
Then I remembered the prize… and that I was being judged and could be eliminated for showing fear… so I opened my eyes and stared at him. He walked up to me and I didn’t blink.
I concentrated on breathing and loving him and not showing an ounce of concern.
It was like passing a test. We then had to pair up again into a foursome, this time with some of the zombie people. I couldn’t find a group. No matter who I asked, everyone already had partners.
Finally, I went outside and found people alone who were trying to play the game on their own.
That didn’t seem like a good way to win either, so I went over to a very-scary run down house. I knocked on the door. I could see a skinny druggie-induced man inside. He was disgusting. I didn’t care. I asked if he needed another person on their team.
The man smiled and invited me in and I realized he was friendly even though he looked like death. I would be on a team of zombies and that this might be the way to win. I befriended the enemy. The judges would never eliminate someone who showed courage.
Then my alarm went off…
What if life really was like that?
Do you remember that scary movie The Ring? I somehow found a video store (!) a few weeks ago and rented The Ring 2. In that movie the mom character has to save her son from being possessed. Instead of protecting him she has to drown him.
Then she has to jump off a cliff… Can you imagine if jumping off a cliff was the answer to saving your life?
Can you imagine if doing terrifying things (but obviously not dangerous life-threatening things) could shift the game?
Could you imagine if doing things DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW could help?
Maybe just .005 times different on a scale of 1-100?
I don’t know….
I woke up from that dream with this extreme feeling of strength. It felt so good!
I felt like I could do anything (kind of).
Then I started to think about my mind — how it’s just messes me up sometimes. I have anxiety that comes out of nowhere — and it feels like it’s going to kill me or humiliate me.
I feel depressed sometimes and I can’t figure out why.
Next time I feel those things I guess I have to try and step away.
If I let them overcome me, I am told lies.
I am told I am nothing. I have no strength.
I am told things will never change... I will die this way… I might as well just die now… I fear oblivion… I fear facing people…. I will never amount to anything… this pain is forever…
Then I wake up one day and feel better and I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Some of the best stories in the world are about people overcoming things. When you hear about people managing really fucked up situations or coping with circumstances much worse than your own you feel things ease just a little.
Sometimes you just need a string. You need the littlest tiniest thing to reach out for.
Then sometimes when good things catch you, you get another thing, and another.I feel like I need to write down my fears, even though some (all) of them are stupid:
-Getting old and being alone.
-Never amounting to anything.
-Losing my mind.
-Starving to death
-Sitting in heavy traffic that doesn’t move for hours.
-Getting abducted by aliens (haha)
-Being locked in a room alone (like seriously, is this ever going to happen?! And better yet if it did, would I be OK? YES. I’d manage it like everything else)
-Realizing that I’m actually in a coma right now and not experiencing anything (haha… this is actually kind of funny too).
-Realizing I’ve been in a bad accident and don’t know who I am anymore and that I’m hallucinating everything I’m experiencing now (Yes, this is why I don’t do drugs — no fucking need here!)
-Having people make fun of me
-Being humiliated in public (wow, I never realized that before)
I don’t know why… but I think the key is NOT CARING EITHER WAY whether these things happen. Now THAT IS craaaazzzzyyyyyy.
-So I’m going to starve to death today? Who gives a shit. I’m already 100% OK so I don’t have to worry or fret. It’s just part of the game!
-So aliens abducted me and I don’t know where I am? It’s fine I’m OK. (actually I’m still scared of this one, haha — I need to release on it).
-So I’m losing my fucking mind?! Well, it never helped that much anyway. Go right ahead.
You know what it is? It’s not clinging so hard to fears, not needing them to be a certain way. And believing that at your deepest core you are always 100% OK.
You are OK NO MATTER WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU OR WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.
You can be burned, shot, assaulted, attacked by zombie people and at your core you are still OK. Because at your core you are unchangeable and forever and acceptable.
Let’s go ahead and say that is one of my reasons to live for today.
LET’S PLAY THIS GAME OUR WAY!
I hope everybody out there is doing all right. I’m been busy moving and settling in. I think about this blog often and I hope it helps people even if there isn’t a post every day.
I’ve been working on an ebook, but got stalled when thinking about publishing it under my own name. Because I’m searching for a job and I know I’ll be Googled (bleh!) I think I’m going to use a pen name. We’ll see if I get off my butt and do it.
Anyone got a great last name suggestion? Not joking.
Everything else is pretty good.
I always want to be honest here, but I’m not always sure the line where honestly is too personal and I should edit myself.
I’m not the greatest editor so SCREW SUGAR COATING AND NOT TELLING THE TRUTH. Let’s talk about what is working right now:
I made myself go back on an SSRI (antidepressant medication) and I swear I can tell the difference. It’s glorious because it’s one you can get from Walmart for $4. Seriously amazing for that price. You can get a 20mg prescription and cut the pills in half for a kiddie dose.
Or take the full 20mg on days you don’t feel right.
I feel like more of a functional human being with it.
One of my good friends (actually, I suspect like 75% of my friends) also takes something and swears by it.
My friend and I were really funny together before I left San Diego.
We went to a film festival. A few other friends came and we went into a movie theatre and sat in a crowded middle row.
I started looking around and realized I felt claustrophobic and panicy. Like we’re talking, “oh shit, do I really have to sit here for the next 90 minutes? This is going to be PAINFUL.”
I didn’t want to say anything, but then I just blurted it out. “Can we sit in another row?”
My friend who is just like me started nodding her head in agreement. Her and I leaped up and we ended up going to the balcony where hardly anyone was sitting and took end seats.
Then we started laughing uncontrollably. It’s such a beautiful thing to relate to someone that way. She was cracking up and telling me, “I didn’t think I could sit there a minute longer. I’m so glad you said something.”
Then we made a joke we were in the “Safe Zone.”
This made us laugh even harder. We both know it’s all in our heads, but that anxiety feels scary and paralyzing.
Her and I really bonded the last few weeks. Sharing all this stuff with her and having that understanding with no judgment I just wanted to say, “I love you” to her.
I never realized I could love a fellow introvert with a similar personality to me SO MUCH.
Another friend helped me in a totally amazing way. This girl really has her shit together and she was telling me about a breathing exercise that helps when you’re anxious.
I’ve been doing it daily and IT HELPS.
I rarely have panic attacks, but my problem is an intense fear of them, so I’ve started paying attention to my breathing when I feel uncomfortable.
It’s so simple it’s silly!
So you do a 3,2,7 breathing thingy. Take this seriously…
You breathe in — focusing on breathing into your abdomen — for a count of 3. Literally count it in your head: 1…2…3.
Then hold the breath for two. 1…2.
Then breathe out for seven. 1….2…3…4…5…6…7
Repeat like 5x at least 3x a day, or whenever you want to relax.
I wasn’t expecting the advice. It’s amazing the gems people will give you if you’re open to them.
Hold on tight. Everything is going to be all right.
This is not my cat, but sleeping kitties are a reason to live. Yeah?!
Overheard conversation at coffeeshop:
Guy #1: “Hey! Anything going on today?”
Guy #2: “Minecraft got a big update.”
Let’s all try to contain our EXCITEMENT. omggggg. I obviously don’t know what Minecraft is… But if I did… you’d have to restrain me. I must stop talking about this now.
Ugh. The last few days. So hard.
I think it’s something in the air. But seriously, I know things will get better and change. I’m eagerly waiting TO FEEL BETTER. But it hasn’t happened yet.
It seems like everyone I know is going through something. So I can at least say to the Internet world that we are all in this together.
It’s the TRUTH.
I’m packing up my house. Saying goodbye. It’s weird.
Most likely I’ll come back and live here, but for now I need a change. I’ll be able to save A LOT of money and get my head back in the right place. I am so fortunate to be able to have choices.
I think it’s a good decision to live someone cheaper for awhile. Live in a place where I can do things I love, like hiking just a few blocks from my backyard. Live in a place where getting around is easy.
I am on the slow train to adulthood and I feel like I’m just now learning who I am and what I want my future to be. I feel like a lot of it is not in my control.
What I really want is to live in both places.
But until that option presents itself…
The other reasons I am moving:
I have to get a real job. I don’t want to commute down the 805. I don’t want to go back to visiting my family a few times a year. I want to have dinner with them on Sunday nights. I want to help them out.
I can live more cheaply in Salt Lake City. I can literally pay of every dollar I owe in ONE YEAR if I have a home base there and just come to San Diego for visits. It would make me supremely happy to have money again! Then I can do what I want . YES!
I am kinda depressed. OK, this is just something I go through sometimes and IT WILL PASS. But the last few months I basically lost all my income, did not find the work I wanted, and have lived off a credit card. This is not pretty. I know I am EXTREMELY FORTUNATE, but I NEED A BREAK.
I can’t deal with the amount of people and traffic in San Diego right now. I thought I could do it and I did for awhile, but they’re just everywhere. Without regular breaks and stability I go CRAZY. Everything is so heightened here — every sensory experience. You hear about a concert or a street festival and you know if you go you will be surrounded by hundreds of people. It’s tiring. I’d rather be able to see something fun to do and be able to go and do it, easily.
I’d love to live in San Diego from January to June.
And Utah from July to December. That would be awesome!
I’d love to have the best of BOTH WORLDS.
Mountains + ocean + fun + quiet & family.
A couple things I’ve been doing late at night (it has been hard to sleep lately):
I want to say, as silly as it sounds, that I think Salt Lake City could be an up and coming place. At least I want to believe this. I know they need some help with their air quality, among other things, but I could see it being a fun place to live.
Just gotta give it time, give it space, be open.
Let things grow.
I have resorted to looking up puppies cuddling with stuffed animals. Insanely cute.
I WANT A DOG!!!!!!
I’m getting ready to move out of San Diego and it’s really nerve wracking. There are so many unknowns and I pretty much feel like I’m going to die on a daily basis.
I know I’m not really going to die, but the amount of anxiety feels like my life and well-being are in danger. I think this is probably worse than actual death.
Because when you die in real life it only happens once, it’s probably pretty peaceful and fast.
Right now it feels like I’m anticipating dying and being obliterated against my will AT ANY MOMENT WITHOUT WARNING — and that I have no control. There is no enemy I’m running from, no one trying to get me and hurt me, yet it feels like I’m barely holding on and at any moment I might panic.
Phew… just writing this down is helping.
Today I ran an errand and found myself trying to figure out a way to comfort myself.
On the one hand I’ve got this huge bubble of anxiety and it feels like I’m trapped inside. I can focus on that bubble and make it more real, or I can step out of it.
I know there are different parts of me.
So I can stand in this bubble and reach for a part of myself that is stronger. I know it’s in there. It’s an older, wiser, all-knowing part.
I was doing this earlier — feeling the anxiety and then willing myself to connect to a different part of myself —so there is also voice of strength, even when I’m anxious.
It’s amazing, but there really is a part of me if I look hard enough that is strong and stable, like a rock, able, and willing to help.
I spend too much time (right now anyway) relating to that other part — the fearful one that make me feel like I’m going to die — and believing it is true.
It takes some willpower, but I think you can relate to two things at once. You can be fearful and comforting to yourself. You can be scared and loving.
It’s like a parent comforting a child. You’ve got a 4-year-old (your ego basically) and it’s freaking out. I know I’ve explained this before. I’m fully aware that it’s running my life right now.
Yet I can find the adult part and relate it to that scared part. So there is a little piece, or a voice, that interrupts the fear.
They can stand side by side.
It’s a kind, loving, compassionate voice. It feels dusty and out of practice, but that’s okay.
You know, I remember when I dealt with some bad depression and started to get out of it what happened.
I started treating myself differently when I was in the midst of it.
I started being nice to myself, in spite of the way I felt.
I was depressed, but also loving at the exact same time.
That was really the missing piece. I stopped berating myself. I stopped trying to push it away.
I let it be and opened a doorway.
When I was depressed this usually meant gentle kindness through the dark feelings.
But with anxiety, the gentle stuff feels not powerful enough. It’s like I need to express more power. It feels so out of control and scary, unlike depression, which feels dark and desolate.
I know what I need to do!
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but someone told me about the idea of creating a Holy Membership Council to help you in times of need and give you a force for finding reasons to live.
You have to use your imagination, but you can call in anyone you want to come and they will help.
And instead of saying, “god, please help me” and pleading for help, god is already there like a voice in your head, telling you what you need to know.
Even though you’re anxious, you ask for help, knowing you will get it. Instead of relating to that awful feeling, you’re relating to something bigger and all-knowing.
So a council can consist of people you can call upon who you admire who’ve passed away and can assist you any time you’re in need.
You could have Jesus, Buddha, or any Eastern gurus, scientists, writers, inventors, family, or anyone you feel connected to.
You can imagine them all sitting at a table and there to assist you anytime you need it. Yes!
They can give you advice, virtual hugs, support, life…
This is really just a game to tap into a stronger place in yourself, but you have an access point you can get to quickly (and heck, maybe these entities really can step in and help. I don’t see why not).
So my council members are going to be:
I’ll think of a few others. Then maybe I’ll print out their photos and make a collage as a reminder.
We are not alone. We have the support of centuries of human beings.
But I do think you have to ask. If you don’t ask AND expect an answer, nothing will change.
Wow. I feel a million times calmer just writing about this.
And it’s totally okay that I missed a meeting this morning and I’m a zombie from taking sleeping pills last night.
I can still love myself 100%. Every inch of me, including my entire brain and all it’s stories and all the fears.
I know, finally, that if I don’t do this, no one else is going to rescue me. There is no Price Charming. I’m finally willing to accept that. He or it doesn’t not exist.
There is no one that is going to show up on my doorstep and rescue me. I have to make the decision to help myself and then let things fall into place with grace.
I’m not a Christian, but I love some of the principles, like grace.
Grace = Kindness from God. There is nothing we have done, nor can ever do to earn this favor. It is a gift of divine assistance and strength.
I know. We still have like seven weeks of summer left. But I’m looking forward to fall because it’s my favorite time of the year. It’s also going to bring a whole SLEW of changes.
So my goals for end of summer:
Be sparkly more often. Sparkly means being in a good place where you have this glow. This means do things that make you SHINE. This energy is magnetic and energizing and money-attracting.
How will I do this?
I may be taking a detour (let’s just say I’m moving to a place that has four-seasons for a while) — but this doesn’t have to be the End of My Life. I hope it’s not. These are things I’d like to do!
I feel like there are a lot of cobwebs from my past still to clean up. I left my home town when I was 18 and have only returned in short bursts. What if I could be perfectly okay being there (or not being there)?
I hated everyone where I grew up. Haha.. there I said it. Like, really, really, really hated everyone. So it’s scary to go back.
When I was in the 4th grade I didn’t realize the word “bitch” was a swear word and I told one of the girls on the school bus that she “was a bitch.” That was pretty much how I felt about 95% of the people and I was only 10 years old!
Now I am going to run into them with their kids so you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to write their names down and release my feelings on each one and send them LOVE. What silly stuff to carry around. Because they certainly don’t care what I am doing. Never did. My reaction is all that matters.
I know some of my goals are not realistic. But it feels good to write it out. One of the things I loved most when I used to live in Utah was running and doing races. So I gotta sign up for a 10k this fall.
One thing I have learned from moving — you can’t recreate what you had “back then.” When I came back to San Diego I wanted to dance and get heavily involved in church and you know what? Neither of those things panned out.
My dance classes never quite felt right. I was usually in a class of 50+ year olds, or at a dance with younger people and kind of ignored by the good dancers. I never got my groove with it.
I had lofty goals for church too, but I didn’t connect with anyone the way I thought I would. Actually, I did meet a couple guys but it wasn’t how or in the way I expected.
I met my friend Dan at church, which led me to the release technique work, which I’m finding very powerful. I guess that’s god doing it’s thing. You can’t predict god or give it directions. It will always surprise you. This is a huge lesson.
Without sounding like a Jesus freak (of which I am not), sometimes god knows more than you. Let god be god. Get out of the way.
Our periods of darkness are our greatest teachers…
Wouldn’t it be great if someone used the following words to describe you (no matter how ridiculous this sounds right now)?
Let’s be all these things right now and forever because they are the truth of who we are. Don’t believe the lie that you are anything less.
I know how hard it is to look at your life and wonder if it will ever change.
Will you ever be happy? Have what you want? Be living and breathing in a way that feels good and abundant?
Two things come to mind:
1. Being okay with how things are NOW. Even if now is a gap point in time between here and there — between where you want to be and where you’ve been. Right now is a perfectly suitable time to be in the moment and flowing with life.
Even if you’re not jumping for joy you can be content for a few minutes, or the rest of your day. You can decide “I am okay and doing the best I can in this moment.” This is a beautiful thing.
2. Stop living in the past or future. Anytime you are in the past or future you are emotional and experiencing memories, expectations, regrets, pain, and feeling tortured inside.
The mind creates these “stories” about how things are or were and leads us to believe that they are true.
Then we talk about them and they get even truer.
We will never be able to love again or be as happy as we were then. Thinking the past will comfort us is a trick, because the past doesn’t exist — it’s just memories that change with time. Or we will never be happy until x,y,z happens, which could be anytime between now and the next 50 years. That’s a lot of time to wait and hold on to promise.
This is so hard to grasp, but the are STORIES in your mind. They are beliefs playing out in the playground of your thoughts. If you change a story (stop focusing on it and focus elsewhere), the story changes. It shrinks. It dissolves. You make different decisions and the world corresponds.
When I took my attention from what was wrong to reasons to live I felt lighter and more things felt more possible.
It felt like the world was opening up instead of closing.
This is because I was stepping into a new story, one that had hope and was right here, right now.
A friend was telling me about this older couple who move all the time. They always find something wrong with where they live. So they pack up and move, again and again.
Now they recently mentioned they have no friends (other than one person) and a bleak hope of ever having friends again. Is it really possible that you could be alive and have NO FRIENDS EVER AGAIN?
Even if you were in jail you could make a friend.
Any person you talk to can be your friend.
Most people are the market for new friends and there are many levels of friendship. Each one is valuable.
Even if you couldn’t talk, you could be your own friend.
This “not having friends (or it not being possible)” is a STORY. So when you believe you can’t have friends or anything else, you’ll do things that prove it is true.
So if you believe “I’ll never have friends” (or anything else) write it down and FACE IT. Put it on your wall (I’m serious). You can’t fix problems you aren’t willing to face.
Then write down all the things you do that PROVE IT. You can just take like 10 minutes or so, and it’s really eye opening.
It’s also painful, but the pain is temporary, I promise.
These might be:
Because I don’t believe I can’t have friends…
I move a lot so I never get close to anyone.
I stay in every night.
I talk about how I can’t make friends.
I don’t talk to anyone around me (such as being friendly with the grocery clerk or saying hello to someone on the street).
I never reach out to anyone.
I think about how useless I am.
Then after you face it, look at the possibility that this is all IN YOUR HEAD and what you might do differently (or someone in your shoes would do) if you believed you could ALWAYS have friends.
I would smile and talk to strangers more.
I would email someone I haven’t talked to in awhile.
I would send a thank you card to someone.
I would believe the world is a friendly place.
I would see strangers as friends.
I would believe that life is supporting me.
I would look for things I like about people.
I would make plans to get out of the house xx times a month.
I would seek out a volunteer opportunity.
I would forgive myself when my social life is slow.
I would be open to friends coming in any direction or form.
I would be relaxed about friendships, not forcing anything, but allowing things to evolve.
I would believe my tribe is seeking me.
I really thing you can take any problem and do this with it.
The hardest part is FACING IT. Actually writing down what you do and how it has hurt you — it takes courage. The pain at looking in the mirror is temporary. It will fester if you don’t get it out, so you’re safe and it’s OK to look it in the eye.
I did this with a bunch of my stories at 4 am — upon waking up in the middle of the night and just not being afraid anymore of them. It was scary. But it didn’t last long.
You can see it like gathering evidence about a criminal case. You see the problem and want to know the who, what, when, where, and why. It’s not personal. It’s just the tape recorder of what is playing in the background of your mind.
More on this later. And a downloadable ebook coming soon!
I can’t fall asleep so I’m looking up inspirational quotes.
Because nothing else online really fulfills me. All the social media in the world and yet none of it fills up the emptiness. Not the way I want it to.
There isn’t really anyone to talk to right now. It’s late. So I guess I’m talking to myself. Trying to fill up the emptiness.
Shoot. I don’t feel like I have ANY answers to anything.
I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to focus on God. Focus on believing and having faith in something bigger than myself and my mind. Asking for help.
I’m hungry. I’m trying to ignore that too. I can feel it in my head, like all this thinking and trying to solve and figure out what to do is taking up swarms of energy.
I know what I’m supposed to do — surrender and give it up — but on a daily basis, I feel like I still should be doing something, right? I’m referring to having work or a job.
Like do I just surrender and stop the search?
Is God that powerful that I can stop looking and still have money or work land in my lap?
The more I look, the more I feel like shit. The more I look, the less worthy I feel. It feels like… I don’t know.
I guess I feel like I’m supposed to have it figured out by now. So let’s play a game called:
It’s okay to be totally clueless.
At least I do know how to feel loving. I can love things.
If there was a job called “loving things,” I could do that.
I think that is what you’re supposed to do every day in your life, no matter what your circumstances.
Isn’t love supposed to be the solver? The force that overturns anything?
It’s so hard to love the things I hate. It’s hard to love the pain, but I guess that’s what it wants. If I have to come back to this and repeat this a million times I can love that, too.
What do I love?
I love the wind chimes on my neighbor’s front porch. I love hearing them in my window at night.
I love the luxury of having a quiet place to rest.
I love bread.
I love warm summer nights where the sky gets pink.
I love picturing the ocean crashing into the beach somewhere desolate.
I love being able to breathe.
I love that feeling when you know what you want and you go after it.
I guess I can love everything else too:
Heartbreak, confusion, restlessness, lost, empty, insecure, turbulent, weak, humbled, kind, generous, sensual, alive.
The guy who wrote it is pretty amazing. He was in a horrible car accident and died for six minutes and told he wouldn’t walk again; then a few years later he was $400,000 in debt with no way out.
Now he is a successful, young motivational speaker.
He uses all the positive personal development stuff you’ve probably read about in other books (if you read this kind of thing), but it’s a good refresher on how to wake up and do things that make the most of your day.
My friend has been doing this for the past few days and he is totally stoked.
A few gems he told me about, which caused me to buy the book:
When you wake up in the morning, create a routine of about 60 minutes that is empowering and sets the tone for your day.
Upon awakening, first thing go and brush your teeth. Then wash your face and put on some workout clothes or take a shower.
Then he recommends sitting and in 5-10-minute increments (or whatever you can do) working with affirmations, visualizing, reading, and journaling followed by 10 minutes of physical activity, like yoga, push ups, walking, or jumping jacks.
He also recommends reading 10 pages a day of an inspiring book. And I love this analogy: If you read 10 pages a day, you will have read 3,650 pages a year, which equals 18 personal development books.
That shit gets me excited.
I have been doing this kind of thing at night.
Most nights before bed I light a candle and write out my “gains” from the day, even if they are trivial. A gain is anything good that happened. I give myself a sticker (I love the stickers) if I don’t go on Facebook/Instagram or waste time on blogs that are stupid.
I write down if I took my vitamins or not, if I didn’t bite my nails (this has helped me to nearly stop biting my nails), and if I used the essential oils I bought.
I also write down if I meditated and sometimes I’ll sit and meditate if I’m not too tired. I definitely need a morning routine that is similar and doable.
Then I put the piece of paper with all this written onto a bulletin board, so I can see it and feel it. For me the action of touching something as an action is powerful (thus, getting a sticker and tacking a piece of paper to something).
I’m a zombie in the morning, so I’m willing to try something new. I’m you want to do this with me I’m starting it tomorrow.
After feeling like I’m shooting myself in the foot looking for jobs and having the ENTIRE Internet be overwhelming, I’ve just hit what feels like the jackpot.
You know how you go on craigslist or Indeed.com or whatever to find a job, (or pitch yourself as a writer as I’m doing) and then two things happen:
1. You apply for a job with 15-100 other people. Awesome.
2. You pitch yourself to company that has plenty of writers already or who delete the email you spend 1.5 hours on.
So, after reading up on some stuff, I starting googling about this idea of targeting companies that are new, but have recent funding from angel investors (I know that this has nothing to do with reasons to live, but I haven’t actually been excited about this process, and now I AM EXCITED).
Because there are thousands of companies getting millions of dollars in seed money who need to hire people.
They have jobs that aren’t being advertised, or barely advertised.
So I subscribed to a venture capital newsfeed and found a website that shows companies that are going public and mostly looking for businessy people. So if I target those companies I might be the ONLY writer.
I also did this glorious exercise last night that I want to share.
1. Think of what you want or a goal –but feel like you already have it 100% and rev up the feeling. You pretend that want you want has already happened, and is even months or years in the past! Focus on how this makes you feel.
2. When you’re feeling peaceful and in that “having what you want state” go to the dark place (I’m serious) in your mind. Imagine for a few moments the worst case scenario. Mine was that I am 65 years old and I am STILL LOOKING for a job. Which is hilarious because that means I just spent 30 years hunting without a catch!
3. Then let go of that worst case picture — be the boss of your mind and drop it. Go back to that peaceful place of RIGHT NOW having what you want no questions asked, 100%, it is real.
4. Now that you’re in a high place, go back and rev. up that same worst case scenario again — see it, feel it, experience the ickyness. Repeat this over and over about six times. Imagine your worst case scenario on a movie screen. Then go back to that peaceful feeling.
Then eventually your mind does this crazy thing. It FORGETS the worst case scenario when you try and find it. Or you notice it has less of an affect. You’ve let go of so much of the fear that you can’t remember what was bothering you.
This exercise brought me to tears and made me laugh.
And now I feel hopeful that someone might actually hire me even though I have no evidence for it right now…
Before when I was looking for jobs or whatever, my stomach would sink and I wouldn’t really look. Or I’d get really bothered when I’d see a job I applied for and am wholly qualified get reposted again. Serioulsy?!
Then I’d tell friends and family I’m looking, but really I’m on the couch watching Orange is the New Black and My Cat From Hell on Netflix.
Sort of. That was just one Friday afternoon.
I guess this just feels better than doing the same old thing and applying for stuff that everyone else is applying for…
Look at this pretty little affirmation:
I used to hate the word “bitch” because it has a negative connotation, but I’m such a softy that it’s like a compliment.
Today some random guy gave me his card at the grocery store. He seemed really nice and I WAS APPROACHABLE enough that a stranger started a conversation with me about kale.
Then this company scared the shit out of me by asking me to come in Monday for a meeting to be their copywriter for a big website project (and that if I couldn’t come in Monday they’d reschedule the meeting FOR ME) and it is is so out of the blue that I really have to take it and swallow the anxiety.
And I just watched the episode of Breaking Bad where Walt blows the drug lords windows out and walks away with like $50,000 (season 1, episode 6). YESSSSSS.
There really should be badass affirmation cards… Hmm….Oh my god I need to invent this idea.
Reasons for this week:
I started meditating again, at least 20 minutes a day. I love it.
We’ve had cool nights where you can sleep under the covers and have the perfect temperature.
I made a whole chicken in the crockpot in a Martha Stewart moment.
I found out mercury really is in retrograde. Weird.
At the library I came immediately upon the book I quoted the other day about surrender. It found me. Picked that one and a fun summer fiction book. Got back to my parking meter with one minute to spare.
Then just as my luck was turning mercury must be in retrograde (that means bad news) because I got rejected by two jobs in 10 minutes. That’s a record, my friends!
So I guess this is a really fun test of just how much I can take. I really seriously don’ t know (again) how I’m going to pay for ___________ (fill in the blank) and this is really uncomfortable. It’s a storm brewing, but I haven’t cried.
My friend thinks it’s a sign. I don’t know what the fuck it is.
She thinks I should keep freelancing and look for content writing jobs, like blogging for other businesses, so if anyone know of any leads let me know.
Things have been really weird lately.
We’ve got job opportunities that start with a bang and fizzle (multiple ones) and a general weirdness in the air. In the past when I’ve needed a job, it’s like I snap my fingers and get it.
But things are also good. I can’t forget that.
I’ve been going on a lot of runs and long walks. It’s not that hard to run/walk 5 miles. You can plug headphones in and listen to stuff while you walk. I feel sometimes like I could walk forever…
I’m a little bored. I’m serious. When was the last time you were bored? Like when you were 11? I’ll take some bored over too busy any day. Amen. I’m going to start sending myself emails so I feel more important. And I’m going to the library muther fuckers!
I wish I could marry someone rich. I’m 100% serious. I’d never actually date with this goal in mind, but I wish that could happen. And I’d only marry someone rich who didn’t seem rich. He wouldn’t drive a nice car, he wouldn’t own extravagant things, but he would have money for travel and food and fun and comforts.
I’d love to be the housewife of 5 cats, 2 dogs, a Chia pet, some sea monkeys, and a giant hungry garden. I’d love to live in a Craftsman style house (I can totally picture it) and make dinner with a hot pink BBQ grill. I’d love to be eccentric and fall in love a person and with life over mutual weirdness.
I wish I felt a little tiny bit more settled. I always want that freedom to come and go and do what I want, but a little stability (or I guess letting go of wanting control) would be super. Right now I’m going to focus on gravity. I’m thankful we have that and air too.
I know a change is coming… I’ve known this for MONTHS. Maybe that’s the weirdess. I’m OK if it’s a little change or a big one. I’m OK if it’s losing my place to live and going back to Utah. I’m OK if it’s a job. I’m OK if it’s not a job.
I’m OK if it’s meeting aliens. I’m OK if it’s learning I am an alien.
I NEED TO START A JOB NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the story goes that we all have these programs or stories that run our lives. These are the unconscious thoughts and feelings that drive us and make us do what we do.
For example, I have a program that says “I am a victim.” I don’t know where it comes from or why it’s there (that part doesn’t matter).
When the roots of my life (like the roots of the tree) are grown with a belief in victimhood, I don’t help myself. Or I help myself and blame other people or circumstances. I pity myself. Things go my way and I’m happy, but when they don’t….
I beat myself up. And think I can’t change and will never change.
Then I get sad and it never seems to stop.
This is because the thoughts of I am a victim that are rolling along under the surface sound like this:
Loop, loop, loop, loop….
In Release Technique (which I love) they talk about other programs people might have that run their lives under the surface. And that these usually are held on to due to a fear of death:
Under each of these is a stream of thoughts that support this belief.
What I love about releasing is that you take each thought, bring it to wanting approval, wanting control, or wanting safety — and then decide to let the want go.
The hardest part is…
DECIDING to let it go. Especially when your ego is screaming at you. It says: but you won’t be safe, you’ll die.
Having to decide over and over is the second hardest thing (it’s frustrating when you think you’ve already let it go — but letting things go is like taking tissues out of a box. You take another and another and another).
When you get all the tissues out of the box, you find another box and another set of thing to let go. We store up lifetimes of emotional stuff and carry them with us. They are our desires, our sufferings, our pain.
When you start reading all the self-help books and examining all the great thought leaders they all start saying the SAME THING.
That changing your life and anything you don’t like — which includes the most awful emotional states you can imagine — is a DECISION.
Anything that says you can’t because…..a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m…….is a lie. Any thought that says “I can’t” or “I won’t” is your flawed, hungry-for-problems human mind, not your essence.
Your essence is love.
What if you could be the hero of your life? Wouldn’t that be weird? And good.
Hero’s don’t always succeed. They fail awesomely. But they try and try again. They don’t always look like heros or they might be in a losing battle, but it’s their attitude that makes them heroic above all else.
I admire people who are the hero’s of their lives. I want to be one of them.
Reasons for today:
In Ireland I lived in a hotel in Dublin, which I kind of hated, but it was a study abroad program (yeah we “studied” a lot in a hotel with a pub).
In South America I visited Colombia and sat on beaches near monkeys. And rode buses and walked city streets with my boyfriend.
In Mexico I went to both sides of the ocean. Snorkeling and surfing.
I am lucky to have been able to do those things. I am lucky to be able to know how to swim. Lucky to have the money to travel. Lucky to have the support of family and friends to experience different parts of the world.
You know it’s funny I haven’t dreamed in a while — by dreaming I mean dreaming up things I want to see and do. I haven’t added anything to my bucket list in awhile, but maybe it’s time to do that again.